Halβs funeral was a haze to Barry. But so was listening to Kyle and John try to break the news to him, so was cleaning out his locker at Ferris Air after Carol texted him, and so were several Justice League meetings after he found out. It was like his motherβs death all over again. How his emotions just seemed to shut down in a way for coping. Youβd think that for a man who preachesΒ βkeep moving forwardβ heβd be able to accept his best friendβs death better and move on.Β
And for everyone around him it seemed just like that. The speech he gave at the funeral showed just how much of a friend Hal was too Barry, and how much of a hero he wasβ even if some otherβs might not of agreed with him ( considering the damage he did as parallax. ) He didnβt hesitate either when Carol reached out to him to come by Coast City to help clear out his locker and his apartmentβ Β something in her voice over the phone said she didnβt want to do it aloneΒ βAnd your his best friendβ I called Ollie but he didnβt seem to pick up and I donβt want tooβ
He pulled off a smile that didnβt reach his eyes ( because he knows all too well that people can hear a smile in someoneβs voice over the phone ) and saidΒ βIβll be right over.β And he was, before Carol even put the cell phone down he was knocking on her office door. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were a bit puffy but he managed to greet her with a smile. They went through Halβs things, reminisced about the ridiculous things he got himself into, talked over old photos he had tapped to the inside of his lockerβ and be the end of the night, Carol handed Barry his bomber jacket.Β
She couldnβt look at it anymore, she said. βBesides it wonβt do me any good. Itβs too big and it never gets cold enough to wear a jacket like that.β So she pushed it on Barry.Β
And after finally getting home and closing the door and holding that bomber jacket in his hands did Barry finally let himself mourn. He realized that heβs not coming back, that heβs not going to be sitting on his couch when he gets home eating all his chips and drinking the beer ( he bought for Hal in the first place. ) He wonβt be there to make him laugh during League meetings or there to catch him if heβs flailing through the sky because heβs one of two league members who canβt fly. His heart seemed to break, an empty void filling in his chest as his stomach felt sickβ a week after the funeral Barry finally cried and then he shut down again.Β
He didnβt much sleep any of the nights after that.Β
Nor did he get much sleep the following year after his death.Β
Barry had the problem of losing himself in his work when he shut his emotions down. He overworked himself, Wally kept calling him out on it and eventually so did the other leaguers a few months in. He brushed them off, give them a smile and say everything was fine. His work didnβt fill that empty whole in his chest, running didnβt ease the sickness in his stomach, and no matter what at least once a day he always thoughtΒ βDid Hal suffer?β He shouldnβt be so hung up on it, he should move on he told himself. Move forward.Β
It wasnβt until ten months after the funeral did Barry realize why he couldnβt. December was chilly in Central City, and a frozen hell in January and February. And itβs during the first winter snow storm that he realized his old jacket from last year was just a bit too tight in the arms and ended up having to wear Halβs jacket. Everyday after that he could be seen wearing Halβs old memento and at first it only raised curious eyebrows but never drew questions. Besides wearing it seemed to calm him down, the empty part of his chest feeling just a bit less cold let alone it was a damn warm jacket against the cold Central City winds.Β
He managed to avoidΒ three weeks of no questions before the annual League Christmas Party happened. Barry huddled in a corner with the jacket on the back of his chair, sipping on spice eggnog as Ollie, Dinah, and Diana were having some sort of drinking contest with said eggnog across the table. Ollie lost, and the two women in front of him chatted idly before they eyed in on him and seemed to drown him in questions and advice.Β βSo why do you have his jacket barry?β βAre you doing okay, I know youβre eating and all but..β βHave you been getting out? We told Wally that you two should go see that new movie that just came out, seemed like your thing.β βBarry this isnβt healthy even if you loved himββΒ The last one seemed to freeze him in place, his heart pulling in his chest as all of a sudden he couldnβt seem to stay sitting anymore.Β
Before he could reply to anyone of them he gave them a quick apology and left, jacket in hand as he ran off towards the teleporters back towards Earth. It took one agonizingly long week of thinking and overthinking that yeahβ that was it. He couldnβt move on easy because he never got to tell Hal the truth.Β
A YEAR later and it was easier, just a bit. Or maybe it wasnβt and he had just come to terms with that void in his chest. Fingers tapping away on his phone as he walked up the stairs to his apartment, two full bags of groceries squished between his chest and his arm as his fingers fiddled for his door key. He wasnβt exactly paying attention as he walked up those stairs and nor was he exactly expecting company that night. But bright blue eyes landed on a familiar head of messy brown hair and then warm brown eyes and all at once Barry was slamming to a HALT. Keys and groceries dropping to the ground as he stared wide-eyed at a GHOST in front of him.Β β HALβ but I thought you wereβΒ βΒ
He didnβt really finish where his sentence was going, it didnβt help his mind was running thirty miles a minute right now and instead panicked eyes shot between his friend and the ruined groceries on the floor before mumbling.Β β I think I just broke all the eggsβ¦.Β βΒ