Gotta Blast

Passover: They enslaved us, God freed us. Remember this via a big ceremony/feast and then don’t eat bread for a week. This is a big one; you’re going to have to clean your house and host all your relatives.

Tu B'Shevat: It’s Earth Day, let’s eat some fruit.

Simchas Torah: We read the entire Torah every year, and we got to the end! Let’s have a dance party and then start all over again!

Tisha B'Av: They destroyed our temples. That sucked.

Rosh HaShanah: Happy New Year! It’s time to ask (and grant) forgiveness for the wrongs done in the past year, pledge to do better, and wish for a sweet new year. And go to synagogue for HOURS.

Yom Kippur: Rosh HaShanah’s somber counterpart. God decides on this day your fate for the next year. Repent your sins, hope for forgiveness, and fast. (And go to synagogue for HOURS.)

Yom HaShoah: Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Sukkot: Harvest festival! Sleep in a hut under the stars.

Shemini Atzeret: Man, I don’t even know?

Shavuot: God gave us the Torah! That was pretty nice of him.

Another reason for giving gifts on Hanukkah is that it’s traditional to do some light gambling then. So giving groups of small things (chocolate coins, m&ms, pennies, that sort of thing) is popular.

This quest would initially make you think it’s meant to be tense and delicate due to the accusations of heresy Alphinaud and Tataru are facing, from one of the Archbishop’s personal knights, no less, but it’s actually funny as hell because Haurchefant is so excited about seeing you kick ass in the trial by combat he and the Lord Commander managed to legally influence that he treats it as a whole ass main event to Wrestlemania XXIV Ishgard edition, including instructing you in how to make the single most dramatic entry possible.

“Who will stand for this woman?”

*DOOR SWINGS OPEN AS THE HEAVY FOOTSTEPS OF HER WOULD-BE CHAMPION ECHO THROUGHOUT THE TRIBUNAL*

“TIS I THAT SHALL PROVIDE THEE SUCCOR, MY VERTICALLY CHALLENGED FRIEND.”

Then, obviously, the judge presses the Ishgard Legal System Button under his tribunal podium and erects the Legal System Cage, used for Legal System Deathmatches.

And Haurchefant?

Gays: "Omg what the fuck how do I tell what that is"

The literal back of the fucking car:

Jews: you can read the torah and Tanakh in a normal book if you want. But if you want a torah you can use as a congregation? *cracks knuckles* you must prepare paper made from the skin of a kosher animal and special ink and a quill made from a turkey feather and you must use no metal in the preparation process because metal is used in the creation of weapons for war and before you even think about actually started to write you must take The Holy Bath to purify yourself and ritually blot out the name of Amalek, the sworn enemy of the Jewish people and every time you write the name of god on the scroll you must say it out loud and recite a special prayer and if you mess up one letter you have to start over and when the scroll is finished you must wrap it in tapestries and pretty cloth and shit and then put little crowns on the end and then put it in a Super Special Box in the synagogue so every time it’s time to read it you can open the Super Special Box and everyone can gawk at the Ultra Big Boy Important Text and the words of god within the scroll. this entire process takes about a year to complete and is done by special sofer’s that devote their lives to making Torah’s specifically and when you read from the torah you must use a little tiny pointer in the shape of a hand so your hands don’t mess up the paper. Oh, you think I kid? You think I jest?

Think again.