off/menu

E: Mock the Week’s Dara O Briain. J: More like mock the food! E: Is that good? Is that a good pun? J: ... Yeah, I think so. E: Don’t look at Benito, he doesn’t know. J: I, [stammering] it’s got double vowels in it? E: Yeah, but it doesn’t, I don’t think it w— Mock the Food doesn’t work. J: Consonant, vowel vowel consonant. E: [laughing] J: That’s how it works. And then that’s a good pun. E: [laughing] I don’t think it’s based on that. J: Eat the food. E: ... Eat the food— J: Eat the food. E: —is a pun on Mock the Week? J: Yes. E: Yeah. Okay, I’ll take it. Dara O Briain from Mock the Week, more like: J: [laughing] Eat the Food, more like!

J: Aw, good to hear your voice again, Ed. Everyone’s missed it. E: Ohh, it’s been nice to have a little break, hasn’t it, but lovely to come back and see you, James. J: Yeah, exactly, you know, we can’t not eat forever. I—I don’t eat in between series. E: Oh that’s, that’s not healthy. J: Well! I’ve decided that’s what I’m gonna do. Keeps me—keeps me wanting. E: I eat, um, I eat only the meals from the podcast, from series one. J: Oh, right. How’s that been? E: Oh, I’m very very fat now. J: You must be. E: Because I’ve just been eating three course meals every day. J: Drinking twenty-seven cans of Stella a night. E: Yeah, [laughing] Kerridge really fucked me over. J: Ker-ridge! E: I’ve drinken so many Stellas. [realizing what he’s said] I’m drinken so many Stellas, did you hear that? J: Yeah, ’cause you’re hammered! E: I’m absolutely blasted! J: You can’t be expected to know how to speak.

J: Benito? Did you ever—have you ever eaten soap? E: [wheezing] J: Me and Benito, E, R: [laughter] J: —me and the great Benito, we have never had soap in our mouths and you two have. This is where the— E: Well there you go, there’s the divide. R: Sort of. Maybe you’re a supertaster too. Maybe that’s the soap. E: [realization] Oh, maybe! J: [shocked inhale] Yeah, Ed, you don’t know! You could be, you have two superpowers. E: What—uh, wha, R: What’s your other one? J: Diabetes. E: [laughter] I’ve told you James, type 1 diabetes is not a superpower. [lower, to R] James thinks type 1 diabetes is a— J: He fell in the Thames. He fell in the Thames and he got diabetes. E: That’s—the two events are not connected. R: The two events were not connected, the soap didn’t cause. E: The soap didn’t cause the type 1 diabetes, neither did falling in the Thames. Neither of them— R: Did you fall in the Thames? E, J: Yeah. E: Yeah, I w— J: [simultaneously] That’s how he got diabetes. E: —I used to row on the Thames, and we capsized and went in the Thames, and James swears blind that that’s how I got type 1 diabetes. R: This is, is the Thames dirty? E: Awful. Yeah. J: [small] Full of sugar. E: Do not go for a little swim in the Thames while you’re here.

J: [about washing out mouth with soap] And was that the brand—was it to, uh, stop you from swearing? R: Mm-hmm. J: You wash out with soap—because that’s proper like, I’ve heard that— E: I’ve had that. J: You had that! E: My friend’s mum did it to me. R: Oh my god! J: [higher-pitched] Your friend’s mum! E: Yeah, like—really, really staunch Catholic woman, and we were literally running around the house swearing, ’cause we were like, it’s great, right? Me and my friend, and she came and washed our mouths out with soap. J: Both of you! E: Both of us. R: Did you tell your mother? E: Yes, I told my mother. R: Was she mad? E: Yeah, I think she was pretty mad—she didn’t show me that necessarily, but I think, yeah, I think she was pretty mad at the time. We don’t see those people anymore. J: No! E: No. R: Mm-mm. E: But that’s—yeah, that’s full on, right? J: That’s crossing a major line, that’s, that’s not your kid. R: That’s kind of—a light form of child abuse, I would say. J: Yeah. E: Yeah—yeah, I would say. Yeah. R: Like, neighbor abuse. E: Yeah, [laughing]

J: Right, so you won’t appreciate that this—this genie, uh, for your episode, I smelled like chocolate. R: I’m sorry. J: I thought I’d smell like chocolate this episode, hot chocolate. E: [small, resigned] Yeah. Chocolate genie. R: Hot chocolate’s nice, I like the way it tastes. J: Yeah. I always smell different—that’s what people don’t know about the genie in this thing, I always smell different for each episode. E: Chocolate today, isn’t it? J: For the guest. Yeah, I always put a, a different fragrance. E, R: Yeah. J: Smelled like hot chocolate today with marshmallows.

J: That’s a very—what an image that is, it’s like you’re flying—like Superman. R: No, it’s more of like a power fist. E: Like the Rage Against the Machine logo. R: Kinda. J: Oh yes, thank you. [pause, laughing] Ed knowing how to translate something for me there. E, R: [laughing] R: Remember your teens. J: The bands that I like.

R: Now that I know that I have a wide open bread range, E, J: Yeah. R: Now I can just imagine, instead of cows on a range, I just see bread everywhere. E: [laughter] J: Do you see them like, yeah. R: Walking around. J: In the field. E: Yeah. All the different types of bread, all in the same field. R: All in the same—free range bread. J: How are they behaving, how’s the sourdough, what’s the sourdough loaf up to? R: Crusty, and sour, and in a bad mood all the time. J: [laughing] Just walking about in a bad mood. R: Just walking with a pinched expression on their face. E: [strained with laughter] Yeah, of course. J: Aw, but look over on the hill, there’s some brioche. Uh— R: Well hello, brioche. E: [wheezing] J: How, how’s that behaving? R: It’s just laying there, taking in the sun. J: Yeah, yeah. E: Of course it is, of course it is. R: Getting nice and golden. E: Yeah— [laughing] absolutely. J: Aw yes—of course it would. Oh, but uh—you look over there, [laughing] you got some, you got some, uh, [to E] what kind of bread do you have, Ed? R: Rye bread? E: Well the naan, the naan’s gotta come in at some point. J: What’s the naan bread doing, yeah? R: The naan bread is just, puffy and happy and running all over the land, I think. J: It would be a bit more—yeah, running around. E: And you’re gonna have to go and wrangle it in. Yeah— [laughing] R: I’m gonna wrangle with my lasso. I’m gonna—it’s gonna be like the Wild West, except for with bread. J: Yeah, [laughing] R: I’m gonna use a pasta noodle as a lasso. [throwing rope noise] J: [laughing] Perfect. E: [laughter] Ideal. This is the first time I’ve ever thought we could do a whole podcast about bread. J: Yeah. This feels like there’s a whole world, a whole universe now we’ve invented— R: A whole universe we have! E: Yeah. R: Another show for us. This one’s for the Cartoon Network.

J: Hello Ed Gamble. E: Welcome. [short pause] J: [shaking with suppressed laughter] My name is James Acaster, this is the Off Menu podcast. E: [laughter] Sorry, I should have explained—we’re sort of towards the end of the day now, and uh, me and James have had one and a half cans of beer. J: We’re celebratin’, we’ve—we’ve done three podcasts in one day, they’ve all been fantastic, you’ll be able to hear them all very soon, and now—we’re doing these. E: Well, this is one of them, isn’t it? J: [laughing] Yeah, yeah. E: This is one of them. J: To be fair. E: Yeah.

J: First time I had champagne, was um, Millennium Eve, 1999. G: Mm-hmm. E: Wow. What a night. J: I was fourteen, and uh—I was like, “great, everyone’s having champagne, can’t wait,” and, really disappointed, didn’t taste like champagne crisps did. E, G: [bursting into laughter] J: Really bad. E: Marks & Spencer do Prosecco crisps now. J: Do they! E: Yeah! J: Get out of town, Marks—Mark and Spencer, actually. E, G: [laughter] J: Both of them.

E: I do enjoy that there’s a VIP area in your mouth, as well. And Snoop’s in there. G: [laughter] J: Yeah. Whereabouts in your mouth— E: Is t— [bursting into laughter] J: —would you put the VIP section of the party? Whereabouts do you think the—I’ve got a space where my wisdom tooth was taken out, E: Right. J: So I could, I could section that. E: I—I had a crown put in, so that feels like a pretty, boujee bit of my mouth. J: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. G: [laughing] Oh yeah. E: So I think it’d be around—Snoop would want to sit on the crown, wouldn’t he. J: Yeah, [laughing] of course he would, yeah. [pause] Gemma? E: [away from mic, bursting into laughter] G: Uh— [laughing] where would I like to sit in your mouth? E: Your own mouth, where would the VIP— J: Where’s the VIP section? E: —section would be. J: [small] Very important person. [laughing at himself, smaller] If you don’t know at home. G: Uh, this is so weird, E: [laughter] G: —but seeing as I’m a tongue scraper, E, J: Yeah. E: Oh, of course! G: [laughing] Probably somewhere on my tongue. E: [fascinated] Yeah! Because you, you look after your tongue, it’s like the red carpet of your mouth! G: Yeah. [laughter] J: Yeah, [dissolving into laughter] it is. It is. That’s where the VIP section is.

J: That’s what’s fun about the special rice, I never know what it’s gonna be! E: I’d find that too distracting, having all those things in it. J: You’d be distracted? E: Yeah. J: They’re not dancin’ around and doing stuff. G: [laughing] E: [laughing] —No, but I want to concentrate on the curry, the rice should be there as a, as a very much as a side dish to soak up the extra sauce, maybe, and you know, you don’t wanna be bunging in all the, all those things. J: I could. E: Like a box of Lucky Charms! G: [wheeze] E: You know, looking at everything coming at you in different shapes— J: Well. I mean, look at who you’re talking to, Ed. I mean, you know if they offered Lucky Charms as a side with curry I’d have it. E, G: [laughter] E: You absolutely would. “And what side would you like with that curry, sir?” “Uh, Cookie Crisp, please.” J: Yup. Cookie Crisp. Delicious.

J: [about ordering rice with curry] I go special. G: [laughing] E: You go, what? J: I go special rice. E: Special rice? G: Special rice. J: Yeah, yeah. E: Is that—they say, “this is your special rice for you.” J: Yeah! Yeah, they say that. They tell me I’m a—because I’m a brave boy. E: “It’s all the leftovers of all the other rice all mixed up.” J: It’s nice, isn’t it? E: Yeah, [laughter] J: Yeah. Well, you know, peas. E: Yeah— [unintelligible] G: It is quite clever though, isn’t it? J: Maybe mushrooms in there, sometimes. G: A dish special. Because like, look how happy like— E: [laughing] G: —I just say that people listening know, James’s face lit up with joy at the idea that it’s special. J: [high-pitched] Special rice! E: It’s special rice for a special boy! G: Rather than anything that’s in it, it’s more about that it is called special. E: Are there always peas in special rice? J: Always peas. E, G: [laughing] J: I think uh—I think sometimes has mushrooms. Sometimes, I only ever had one special rice once even had little prawns in it. G: Oh that’s quite nice. E: Oh, that’s so special. J: [proud] That was very special, yeah. E, G: [laughter]

J: [about actual prawn cocktails] I thought it would taste like prawn cocktail crisps but actually it did not taste like a prawn cocktail crisp— E: No, but that’s not the way around—the, it’s gone wrong. They’ve got it wrong with the crisp flavour. They’ve not built prawn cocktail off the back of the crisp and gone, “well we’ve not really nailed the flavour there,” it’s the crisp that’s messed up. J: Yeah, absolutely. But I wasn’t gonna eat the prawn cocktails and get angry at the crisps, was I? E: You should, you should have done. J: And not—I, I have to just admit that prawn cocktail crisps are just, basically, tomato-sauce flavoured crisps. E: Yeah. [laughing] G: [laughing] J: And that’s why I love ’em. Uh—and, uh, prawn cocktail is, really not that. E: Where do you stand on cheese and onion? Because cheese and onion together doesn’t taste anything like a cheese and onion crisp. J: [real quiet] Here’s the thing. Opposite. So— E: [laughter] J: I used to really not like cheese and onion crisps, at all. G: Yeah. J: So then I would avoid cheese and onion sandwiches. E: Right. J: And then once, probably when I was in my twenties by now, probably late twenties, I was forced to have a cheese and onion sandwich because there was a—I was working on something, and all the sandwiches were out, and the only ones that were left are cheese and onion, and I was so hungry I thought, well I guess I gotta eat this disgusting sandwich. G: [laughing] J: And, it was delicious. I absolutely loved it. E: [incredulous] What world are you living in where you eat crisps before you eat the actual foods? J: Well— E: Did you only eat crisps from the ages of zero to twenty? J: I never tried salt and vinegar on its own until— E, G: [laughter]

G: I like fizzy drinks cold—and fizzy. It’s like a party in your mouth, isn’t it. J: It’s like a party in your mouth? G: Yeah. E: Yeah. So, that’s sparkling water, you’re basically getting the party started mouth-wise before you’ve had any food. G: [laughing] Yes. J: So that’s the thing, I don’t really like parties. E, G: [laughter] J: So that,—that makes sense, why I don’t like fizzy drinks. Oh, it’s like a party in my mouth, it’s so—I’m gonna go stand in the corner and avoid everyone. E: Oh, god, it’s like I’ve gone clubbing in my own head. J: Yeah. Why’s it so noisy? Can’t we just sit down and have a chat!? I hate this party.