the world ender

“you really think you could do that?” brynn asked. it was something she genuinely wondered. she knew that cassian had been fighting since he was a child; she had no personal knowledge of what that kind of life could do to a person, but she couldn’t assume that it would be anything good. “what? she’s not what?” brynn sighed and crossed her arms adamantly. if cassian wouldn’t open up, she’d make him, even behind the glass wall. “one of these days, you’re going to appreciate me and my ‘vanity’, cassian andor. we’ve been fighting on the same side so long i think i’ve earned that respect.” then, hearing about the status of the cure team made her drop her arms and swallow in fear. “you better find something, or else when i die, i’ll come back to life to kill you myself.” the sarcasm: her preferred defense mechanism. “i’ll do my best. you… you hang in there too.”

no matter how hard she tried, her thoughts always began to wander back to the people that she cared about in quarantine. she could see their faces in her mind. fighters with sunken eyes and raspy voices. it made her heart hurt. it was hard to avoid the daydreaming when she was searching for something that could have been right in front of her eyes but she would never know because she didn’t know what the hell they were even searching for to begin with. a goddamn cure. it was far too vague. they didn’t have any leads, any information, they were going in blind. despite basically failing cassian’s training, she knew that life-or-death missions had more leads than this. 

“yeah…” orion couldn’t help but let out a sigh. just when she thought there was some small break through, it just wasn’t enough. “it could be,” she spoke, a hopeful tone in her voice. she hadn’t heard herself say something with that much inflection in days. it felt foreign. “or maybe, if there are any known cures for these poisons…” orion spoke out loud as she examined the vials once more. these were common poisons. if i pilot like her knew what they were, others probably knew more. “maybe their cures can help us?” she suggested, looking at cassian with wide eyes.

cassian was well suited to cope with conflict. his earliest trainers had taught him to put his own personal motivations and emotions aside when on a mission, and to focus only on what he had to do in order to succeed. in truth, detachment had always come fairly easily to him. as a child who’d lost his father early on, who’d joined the war well before the age of ten, cassian had learned to remove himself from difficult situations in order to survive. this mission, however, was entirely different. as desperately as cassian wanted to remove himself, to act objectively, he was unable to do so. 

jyn had demanded that he leave, but he was still hellbent on finding a cure for her. perhaps if he found one, maybe, just maybe... 

theed was more maze-like than what jyn remembered, though that might be because she could barely remain standing without using the wall for assistance. where was she, exactly? the outskirts of the city, maybe, though she wasn’t sure––the streets were shifting and winding underneath her gaze, and she was stumbling through a part of town she didn’t recognize. she sagged against the wall, tugging her scarf up higher over her mouth to hide the way her breath rattled in her lungs. the face mask she had stolen from the medics was already soaked in her blood, and even though she could barely work up the strength to keep pulling up her disguise, she knew that if anyone figured out that she was infected, they’d lock her back up in quarantine quicker than she could process their realization. she had to get out of town before that happened, and with that thought in mind, she pushed herself up and stumbled forward, trying to act drunk instead of dying.

she needed to get out of here––there was nothing left on this damn rock for her now that cassian left her. she was going to die, but she was going to do it on her own terms. if she was going to go down, she was going to go down fighting––and there were plenty of first order operatives in naboo right now. the medics had taken her weapons away from her when she had first entered quarantine, but she didn’t need her blaster to wring someone’s neck.

homesick. the word had reverberated through cassian’s consciousness for the better part of the day and clouded any rational, logical thought. his fingers flitted skillfully through file after file, but his mind remained fixed on the strange word. in the darkness of the laboratory, it had taken on a shape, a meaning of its own, until it taunted him. cassian knew that he couldn’t possibly be homesick for fest. he scarcely remembered the little ice ball, and he certainly didn’t remember it fondly. he’d spent longer on yavin four than he had on any other planet, but it was no more a home to him than coruscant or even scarif. cassian had never had a home to miss. and then it struck him, perhaps the homesickness he felt was not for a place, but a person. 

this, he thought, this was what sleep deprivation did to a man. he’d become nonsensical. 

cassian focused his attention downward, studying the ugly brown patterns on his boots left behind by the mud, and he scowled at them. another day in the laboratory and they’d accomplished nothing. cassian wasn’t sure how many hours he’d spent in the bunker beneath naboo’s swamps, but it had taken a toll on his wellbeing. it was worth it if only they could find a cure for the blue shadow virus. perhaps jyn didn’t want him around anymore, but he’d be damned if he didn’t ensure that she would live to fight another day.

for a moment, brynn wondered if she had struck a nerve. she’d only barely met jyn, and that short meeting hadn’t given her all the information. but it was in her nature to take something and run with it, and that was no different with cassian. she always tried to push him, both for her own amusement and because she cared. she knew that one of these days, she might push him too far. but if it meant chipping away at some of his walls in the process? it was worth it. thus, it was a relief when he didn’t close up when she mentioned jyn. “someone here has to. who knows what you’d do without me?” she smirked. “i prefer self-assured,” she countered. she’d mellowed out slightly after the injury and the initial gloom that followed, but her obsession with how she appeared, both physically and as a person, stayed. “i know. and i believe in you.” he’d always had her back before. this time should be no different.

at least the two of them had something in common. jyn couldn’t sleep either, no matter how much she tried or how tired she felt. she hadn’t realized how much she depended on cassian for sleep until he’d been taken away from her––not to mention that she wouldn’t be able to let her guard down in a room full of enemies. still, she needed cassian to take care of himself because she wouldn’t let the disease take both of them. “i don’t want…to leave you,” she wheezed, leaning her forehead up against the glass and closing her eyes. the cool glass felt good against her fevered skin. “but you have to…prepare for what would happen…if you can’t find a cure.” if they couldn’t find a cure in time, then there would be no hope for any of them. in a day or two, she’d be coughing up blood and then it was pretty much all over by then. there was little to no hope for her survival, but he wasn’t sick yet––however, if he didn’t sleep or eat, and spent all of his time looking for the cure and worrying about her, then that only increased his chances of getting sick. “i’ll be fine, cass,” she said hoarsely, reaching a hand up to grip her kyber crystal. if she could convince him that she would be okay, even though all evidence was pointing to the contrary, then maybe he’d go back to their room and start taking care of himself. “what happens…if you get sick too?” she clenched her jaw, letting her head slide down the glass before picking it up with a groan. if she cut him off, push him away and get him to leave, then maybe he would forget about her for a little while and start taking care of himself. he would come back, though. he wouldn’t leave her forever, wouldn’t abandon her. she could apologize and explain her motivations the next time he came to visit. 

she barely registered his next words, her stomach churning both from the anxiety of her decision and the nausea that came with the illness. “what’s the point,” she snapped, her voice sounding weaker than what she would have liked, but her anger still shone through her words. “i don’t have…t’do anythin’.” the medics couldn’t do anything except make her even more miserable, and if she was being forced to spend her last hours in quarantine, then she was going to damn well do it how she pleased. knowing that her next words were going to take all of her strength, she straightened, trying to make herself look more imposing––as if that was going to help what was going to come. “i want you to––to leave,” she ground out, closing her eyes because she couldn’t look him in the face. she wanted him to leave and get some rest, but she knew she couldn’t say that because he would only deny he needed it. if she made it about herself instead of him, then maybe he would listen to her. his ‘i love you’ brought tears to her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them fall, couldn’t show weakness if she wanted him to listen to her. kriff, she loved him too, so much––which is why he needed to leave. “go, cassian. leave. i––” she coughed, her breath hacking in her lungs and she doubled over with the force of trying to keep in her chest. something metallic and coppery filled her mouth and coated the back of her throat. stars, she knew what that taste was, but if he knew the truth, then he would never leave. “you said, you would––” she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, trying to hide the evidence of her worsening condition, “that you would…leave, if i told you to, and i…” kriff, this hurt so fucking bad, “i want you to go. leave.”

cassian’s expression shifted at once. he had scarcely managed to maintain his emotional control over the last few moments, but he could do so no more. at last, his expression gave way and morphed into something akin to confusion and panic. i don’t want to leave you. this was precisely the reality that cassian had tried to avoid. ever since the medical staff had taken jyn away from him, he’d tried to remain positive. they would find a cure, they had to find a cure. he wouldn’t allow himself to imagine a future in which she was not by his side, but here, at last, was the time to face reality. there was more than a dozen people working on a cure for the blue shadow virus, and they’d worked tirelessly, but they were no closer to finding an answer than they’d been at the start. with each passing hour, jyn grew closer to death. "please...” he started. it was all that cassian could do not to beg jyn to stay with him, so instead he forced his gaze downward to the floor and tightened his jaw. please don’t leave me. though he’d only managed to utter the first word, he had a feeling that she would understand what he meant. “... i’m sorry.” he muttered, shaking his head. cassian wanted desperately to stay strong for jyn, to keep himself from breaking down before her for fear that she would lose hope, but it became harder with each passing day. exhaustion threatened to overwhelm him, his control was frayed, and he felt ready to crumble. cassian clenched his jaw tightly, digging his blunt nails into his palms, and forced himself to be strong for her. “we are going to find a cure,” he replied plainly. “you’re not going anywhere.” at least, she wasn’t going to leave him as a result of sickness, not if he had any say in the matter. 

“sick?” he shook his head. the blue shadow virus had been trapped in the quarantined area. so far, there had been no further infections on the outside, so it seemed rather unlikely that he would catch what she had. “worst i’ll get is a cold. it’s nothing to worry about.” he’d survived worse, they both had. 

fuck: jyn leia 

marry: jyn