an age when visiting the new bar is as enticing as visiting the park when looking at kpop stars is as riveting as birds that skip the trails figuring out how to act with in-laws though creating a family is a few years away late twenties is transitional complex yet effervescent i feel like i’m floating when he and i strike the same chord i am compelled to go to concerts still though i choose the balcony versus the pit drinks are interesting and experimental not something to binge for personality when you know who you are sober is the when you’re the most you parents are chill friends even a change i had long wanted yet finally had the maturity to create

career’s always been a priority but love now that’s a different story to dare to evolve what love means to you is harder than climbing the ladder

revisiting healing evolving defining again love is the grassroots effort to hope and hope is the bloodline to a life worth living what’s the point if it can’t get better than this?

don’t look too deep or you’ll end up like those physicists the point is to look with squinted eyes broad strokes is enough let joy fill in the details

love and creation go hand in hand without a loving foundation creation is misled and non resonant non connective mute

it’s both fascinating and strange how the world works one moment it feels too much on the verge of losing hope you surrender to the powers that be and realize how limited your humanity is then the world opens throws a ball towards you while you stare at how curved it is how unexpected it is

wow i feel like i’m in limbo. it feels like life is really coming together. vaccinated. employed. reconnecting with family and friends. new freelance clients. big ups. i learned how to negotiate and vouch for myself. i learned how to see my value and connect it to opportunities. people are impressed. i’m impressed by my growth. i’m very proud of my and my inner kid for the perseverance throughout the emotional and mental rollercoaster. i want to give time to dream and imagine the possibilities of how the next few years of life will play out. 

light years since i’ve rambled here. i’ve matured and carry myself different these days. i’m looking at the now, staying in my moments, and into the future - what kind of woman i want to evolve to next?

i see lush long hair, knit sets, flowy classy dresses, moto jackets, gold earrings and rings, looking well-rested, strong, and moisturized. i’m slim now, i want to build strength and put on some light muscle. high speed technical work. highly effective communication, scoping, pushing the needle. side projects in full production. less time online. more time doing and manifesting. more control of time off, purchases, hosting, events.

after beginning daring greatly by brene brown, it has become clear that shame is deeply entrenched with my relationships with my brothers and parents. the criticism, the rage, the shutting down are all responses to shame. the lack of trust the comes from the shame. the need to have the last word and act like you know better. it makes you feel better about your own life to feel like you are above someone else. 

to combat shame, we must be vulnerable and empathize with others, check in and ask how they are doing, how they are feeling, what they are hoping. i didn’t know how to talk with my parents this past week. i had felt like i had said it all yet there was very little depth in our conversations. i didn’t know how to navigate it so i ended up avoiding my parents, doing solo activities and hanging out. that made me feel guilty but it was scared to talk with them even deeper. i had developed a disrespect after the last couple blunders of constantly needing to explain myself, of the almost drunken drive, of my parents’ fighting, of their pushing of me out of that conversation. that was the best move to be honest though it hurt a lot. i felt angry at them. did they not see that i cared about them individually and them as a unit? i didn’t realize it then, but that is how i handle shame. oh and when i criticize fei for every little thing? that’s part ego, but also part shame in my situation - projecting this need for dominance in something. wei gets all my empathy bc i can and actively am vulnerable with him. it comes from a sense of trust we have where he doesn’t share my secrets and vice versa. it is his ability to have empathy for me when i am raging at the wind.

i felt very guilty leaving home. i even felt that the house would be better without me there. it felt that i was so entrenched in my own ego, my own brain that i couldn’t connect to others. i came home without a solid emotional standing. i had not trained my mind or body to sustain my impulses and impatience. i cannot have it together all the time. i’m happy i recognize this before the damage is catastrophic. also, my strong ties with disrespect are associated with the need to shame. it is a rage that blocks my ability to empathize. remember when you raged at the car getting dirty, you’re still hung up on that bc you feel guilty for not being able to empathize. your rage blinds you.

best case scenarios

Quo offer with a compelling salary

lasik

move into the city

build my furniture

build designer and developer skills

get deeper into my books - designer, cooking, furniture

begin side projects

get in touch the design community

travel

cook

get really good at my own cultural cuisine

learn Viet

learn Canto

learn cultural traditions

running as my physical challenge

take advantage of the trails and East Bay greenery before moving

stocks

learn about investing

road to a million baby

fermentation

30 books hit

basic understanding of movies

coffee improvement

plant improvement

circular economy of my things

environmental impact

seminars and conferences

knowledge of different design tools