what a weird place to be

thank you so much for these kind words some weeks back

i’m definitely still alive, and i’ve been making very defiant attempts at at least bettering myself, even if the attempts are short and in some lights a bit escapist. i’ve taken up some childhood hobbies again (particularly bracelet-making), am considering getting back into embroidery eventually to do up a jacket of mine, am trying to read again (currently slowly making my way through the hellbound heart by clive barker after, yes, going through 8 of the hellraiser movies as is what i would call a guilty pleasure if i actually felt guilty about it). i’ve also been cooking again, more and more with new recipes and finally tackling things i’ve been scared to cook for a long time (seafood, mostly.) although i think, most importantly, i finally was able to pull together enough support and money to hire a japanese language tutor; a language i’ve already spent six years of my life learning and am very, very eager to get back into with the hopes of someday passing high levels of the proficiency test.

there are a lot of things that still suck. in the interest of earnestness i have had to contact a suicide hotline in these past weeks, yes–with the full intent of knowing i’d like to be better. none of what i’m doing takes that away, and i do remember this blog and feel bad about its sparseness at the moment. but the first half of the year sucked, the second half may still suck, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna take it lying down.