Cursed Soul

I love you so much it hurts me like nothing ever did. I'm a skeptical person so I don't have any courage for dreaming about you in my future but goddammit, I want you. I want you. I don't believe in a happy ending but I want you. I want you. I always want to have some me-time with myself but I always afraid to be alone that's why I keep holding your hand way too tight.

( Please do tell me if it hurt, I'll let you go. )

I always say that my dream just stretched into next week and I never have any long-term goals but imagination about me and you together in our own world haunted my dream.

( This is hurting me. I like it but it hurting me. )

I'm being way too careful with promises and sweet talks and if you noticed I avoiding the use of forever in my poems about us it's not because I don't love you. I'm afraid, darling I'm afraid. Life is a blurry road, a movie with an unexpected twist, a journey with an unknown destination, a trip without a map.

They said well, you have each other, let each one of you guiding the other and I keep asking myself is this the right way?

( I want to see you fly.)

I am a logical person and I don't take feelings as emotion, I take it as a long-ass thesis or some math equation to be learned and I expecting myself to understand every bit of it but love? How can we understand love? Do you know how much I doubted myself and asking the petals do they love me, do they love me not a thousand times each time I think you avoiding me?

( The petals lied. They said you love me. Do you? Please do. )

I'm gonna go to hell. Honey, I'm gonna go to hell. I love you so much I think God wouldn't like it. Gold dripping from my body tastes like yours, angels would be burning with jealousy.

(And they became satan when they fall. Angels shouldn't feel jealous. God loves them. I'm the one who supposed to be jealous.)

Do you remember the incorrect text we read together? The one where this person said to their significant other tell the whole world that I'm yours and the other whispering to them you're mine because they're their world. I want you that much. You to be my world. Me to be your world. I want us to be proud of the excessive amount of love we had but I'm afraid the whole world would be exploded because it's too fucking much. God would hate it.

( Why God hate us? They have everything. )

But a big question. Do you love me? Do you love me as much as I love you?

( I feel like I never deserve to be loved but I want you to love me. Please love me. )

My daisy petals bury me five feet below the ground and the ground is my doubtful heart but rain comes and the flood that wipes the whole thing is you kissing me goodnight.

( Stop the time. Fuck, stop the time. )

I want you in my next week, and my next week after, and my next week after, and more, and more. I wish God let me dream. I can hear both angels and devils laugh at me.

( Why we kept saying angel first before devils? )

I had a severe panic attack last night. I thought I lost you. But your last chat still as cheerful as you always been and now I wanna die. I don't wanna die. I've sinned way too much I think Lucifer themself would take me as Hell's ambassador on earth. My body craving for you. Hands in my cheek and tongue in my lips. I want you to tear me open like a pandora box. The plague is all mine. I would take it.

Do you ever dream about it? Your hands tracing my back? Or your lips whispering sweet nothing to my ears? If you do, I'm gonna die right now.

( Butterflies in my belly told me not to.)

I wrote this in one hour after looking at you for like five hours and listening to your voice for two hours. And it still feels like not enough. I'm craving for you. Petals, do they want me now? The roses are blue, violet isn't red. I want to fucking kiss you, but do you want me to bleed? My blood is rose and daisies swimming in glass dust. No flood this time. I just love you and my body couldn't contain the emotion.

I'm not dead.

You killed me first.

I love you.

I love you so much it hurts me like nothing ever did. I'm a skeptical person so I don't have any courage for dreaming about you in my future but goddammit, I want you. I want you. I don't believe in a happy ending but I want you. I want you. I always want to have some me-time with myself but I always afraid to be alone that's why I keep holding your hand way too tight.

( Please do tell me if it hurt, I'll let you go. )

P.S: I'm drunk when I write this.

P.S.S: I'm sleeping in your clothes. I want your hug. The stuffed animals puked on my face. They hate me.

To became everything I

Couldn’t properly hold

I stole your reason to die

I did not regret

But please pardon all this mess

Scattered inside

-I'm not talking about that door

Once this one particular person told me I was a crooked one and since then I cannot stop looking at the mirror and searching for my broken piece.

Once I was excluded from a girl-only game because I’m not girly enough and since then I’ve questioned the accuracy of my own pronoun.

Once I was told that I’m not like any other kid and since then I’m searching for the thorn in my head or tail in my backbone, just wondering.

Once my parents say I’m a big mistake and a huge failure and since then I started to seeing everyone in numbers, with myself as the lowest point.

Once the boys began to call me a witch and since then I’ve been looking at the moon, wondering am I a real witch just because I like to collect flowers and crushed them in a stone table.

Once I was told that my breath smells like dead body and since then I brushed my teeth until I choke on my own blood.

Once I was trying to behave like my assigned gender, but people staring at me and says you do not seem like you or that doesn’t match your image and since then I put neutral clothes to my online cart.

I’m too influenced by people’s opinions and I don’t even realize it. I became a people pleaser until the point I can’t decide anything because I’m afraid my opinion may hurt one or two.

my doctor give me painkillers and says take this when it hurt

I didn’t ask when the teeth hurt or my other part?

She said evaluate yourself and stop when it’s fine

I didn’t say if there's a way to feel fine?

Because I enjoy this pain to forget my other pain

I didn’t tell you the anesthesia just affects me slightly and I can feel your finger pulling my bones

I let you crack my skull open for taking one stupid wisdom tooth so I can forget the numbness that swallowing my whole body

You said I had such a strange shape of a tooth (it has three roots) I chuckled.

Everything is strange here

You said I should come back for the lower tooth too, it'll hurt you sooner or later

You just sat there and the black wave suddenly swallows you whole.

Sometimes you don't even feel it.

It was dark you almost see nothing but a fading flicker miles away.

The last bit of your sanity tells you to stay, to hang on a little bit more.

It just a small bumpy road, it said.

Go on, it'll be aurora you'll see at the other end.

A big fat lie.

I'm sorry if you asked for a coffee for breakfast but I served you with a panic attack story from last night.

I'm sorry if you wanted a slow night with kisses but I ended up ripping my brain open and drowning you in useless random fact.

I'm sorry if you wanted me to focus on you but my mind swarmed here and there

Life sucks.

I hate myself.

They do look good together

I did not say it

And I will not let one said

It’s an ugly mark