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today is roadtrip (long one) because we're going to niagara falls for 3 days and toronto for 2 days

why can't anyone love me as much as i love them ever

i thought it wouldve been fun because i love spending time with you

but now i realise it's not what you wanted and you're getting annoyed of seeing me every hour of every day

i just wanted to spend a summer with you and you keep acting tired of me everytime i get excited for something

you're silent and you don't seem to like being around me as much as i hope you would

I just wanna be healthy

I wanna be healthy and not be in pain

I'm scared to do the surgery

after every useless angry argument i start i wonder if the next one will be his last straw

but also after every single argument, i know i shouldn't, im so painfully self aware but i have no idea what to do to fix it

my problem is mainly anger, every little small thing triggers me and i explode and say things i don't mean at all

he's so patient and perfect to me and he's an amazing boyfriend and doesn't deserve this treatment at all, he objectively never triggers me on purpose and when he in fact does something wrong, he is so responsible about it

im just so scared ill push him away with my explosive reactions and intense emotions

our relationship 4 years ago was so superficial and based on sex only. it had nothing raw in it, nothing real and i was caught up in online relationships and we were just both so immature still, i mean i was 14 at the beginning and he was 18, but now it's like we're both two different people and i just knew at the first second that i saw him again for the first time that he was going to be the one.

yk it doesn't feel real at all

also the unemployed anxiety hits harder at night when you realise in 4 weeks you can't pay your rent no more if no one hires you