LOST / QUEEN !

you can always hit me up on disco.rd 

Feeling other people in her own head is very different. Mostly because for most of her life, she’s been pretty much alone. The constant flow of emotions and support and general feeling of family and belonging definitely has an effect. Even when in reality she’s sitting in her store, far from beaches and sand, the feeling is real. 

“I can understand that. It’s— Steady. Without being unnecessarily solid,” which probably doesn’t make a ton of sense, but she rolls her shoulders, tucking her feet under her for long moments. “It’s always felt a little claustrophobic to me? Being underwater. It’s always felt really overwhelming, and so big but also constantly closing in on you,” hands wave a little to expand and close in with a sigh as she does. “I know that probably doesn’t make much sense, but still. I’ve always had issues with small, dark spaces. That feeling, where problems go away, I always get that running. Miles, and miles until my muscles burn and my lungs ache.”

Up until the headaches started Astra had been the closest person to her.  Being twins meant growing up together with the same people in the same grade and, generally, with the same circle of friends.  It was only recently that life pulled them in different directions.  Her sister was modeling and acting.  Luna went the complete opposite end of the spectrum by enrolling in the military.

Brows furrow together because there’s a little hint of something unfamiliar that flows through her emotions as Harry starts to describe these small spaces.  The fear is palpable.  Her tongue dries and there are intense sensations of pushing outward, like someone shoved her down into a tiny tiny box.  A flare of anger rises only to get pushed back down.  Whatever happened wasn’t Luna’s business but she hoped the other knew that they weren’t alone anymore.  Space might separate them but Luna would do whatever she could to protect her family.  “You can always tell me to walk back inside.  I hope you know that I don’t mind.”  She looks down, concentrating on the texture of the sand.  “What if I’m that dark space?”

   it almost sounds too good to be true, and yet he still finds himself believing her every word.  finn knows there’s a darkness inside of him that took over when he last held a weapon.  the fear and complete lack of control over the thing that had to accept as his life on the ground – the nightmarish, plaguing thoughts that clarke had been killed and what they must have done to get that watch off her hand – it had broken his mind.  brought it out.  finn wants to keep it locked away inside, never to see daylight again. 

  children?  how many had she taken in?  finn has never had much experience with kids.  being born on the ark meant having no siblings - well, unless you were bellamy blake.  but he had never helped his parents take care of a baby brother or sister, nor even played with the kids that were on the ark.  even the ones in mecha station.  then again, finn had spent most of his life from boyhood to lockup with raven, and few others.  for eleven years she had been his entire world.  and he’d thrown it all away.

   but he finds himself thinking it might be nice to go with her.  to see some sort of hope for the future.  to be reminded how to be happy and carefree again.  a purpose.  the few times he had played with some of the mecha kids, he’d enjoyed it.   he’s open to the idea.  people who don’t know him from the next.  he can start over.  face his demons in his own time.

   “i think so,”  finn responds.  he takes a moment to explain population control on the ark.  it’s the first time he’s really talked about life in space with someone born on the ground.  how vastly different their worlds are.  finn can’t even conceive of a family bigger than one or two parents and a single child, let alone someone willingly providing for children who were not biologically theirs.  no one had wanted him and raven.  “but it’s okay.”  maybe he can be useful after all.    will they like him?   will they speak english – can he learn grounder?

   there’s a brief, contemplative silence as finn’s earth-brown eyes settle on luna’s outstretched hand.  it may be his last chance at redemption and salvation - his last chance at surviving.  and nothing about her tells him that she’s lying.  finn has no home to go to anymore, no people.  he misses raven.  clarke.  monty and jasper.  even bellamy and murphy.  fox and harper.  all of them.  but he can’t reach them anymore.  

   finn can reach luna, though.  so he takes her hand and pulls himself up.  still tall, though not overly so, and his body is weak from prolonged thirst and hunger.  but he has strength enough for this.   “i – i want to find it.” 

It pained her, to some degree, that everyone came to her with a purpose.  Floukru was somewhere the current of life took you.  Few were born in, at least not yet.  As their numbers grew Luna knew that would change but, for the moment, every person she surrounded with was a choice.  Broken, bruised, even desperate yet all so full of life and determination to carry on.  War took something from all of them.  Every. Single. One.  It’s what bonded them.  It’s what shaped their every day life.  

The few who did choose to continue on with the circle of blood and blade did so by choice.  Luna never forced anyone into her army.  Unfortunately, it was a necessity she currently had no idea how to get away with.  In order to remain within the same circle of Kongeda certain sacrifices had to be made.  If Heda called them to arms then Luna needed to answer.  But, that’s all the warriors were used for.  Defense.  Violence was always the very, very last resort.

Finn was a reminder of why Luna did what she did.  Her own misfortune may have sparked the original idea - the original desire - but his weakened, crumpled state was the fuel with which she continued.  Something bad enough happened for Lexa to banish him from his friends and family.  Different accounts came from different lips and each was more fantastic than the last.  The truth was somewhere in the middle but Luna didn’t care because all she needed to know was standing right in front of her.  Remorse etched across his features like the tattoos seen all across the clans.

When he took her hand Luna gave a gentle squeeze in return.  Hopefully her smile was reassuring.  Then, once he was steady, she bent at the waist to pick up the canteen.  The container slipped back into her pouch.  Toes wiggle in the sand. Going home after a little time on shore always sent excited electricity up her spine.  “I think you’ll like Adria,” she bumped his shoulder with her own.  “And don’t let Derrick’s frown fool you.  As soon as the children come around he blooms like a rose in the sun.”