Tyler

Left alone feeling afraid and shattered like glass. No hope or light left in my eyes. I lost my sense of worth growing up. As far as I knew I was unwanted in this world and just burdened everyone around me. The only purpose I served was to be an item at others' disposal in one way or another. Parents used me as a pawn against each other while others stole innocence that was not theirs to take. My very being destroyed further with each day. Then came the day I could finally escape and breathe a breath of freedom. Beginning to rip wounds open as they were not healed before only glued together. As much as my past holds pain and fear, it is the very thing that fuels my future. Even if I only manage to give one person hope or a safe place to heal, it makes everything worth it. I struggled for so long with feeling unwanted and unloved, hell I still do at times. But my past is the very thing that makes me...me. It has given me the ability to empathize and truly work at understanding others. While I wish to not have had to endure the battles I did, I wouldn't change a thing. For the resilience I have came from those very experiences.

You begin to have heavy eyes and feel pain from head to toe again. Losing sense of self and care for yourself. Wanting to just disappear away from reality. Is it selfish to wish no one cared so you could just go? You are exhausted to a point you do not believe you can sink much further into the void. It is as if your body is in quicksand so difficult to move or speak. Your light has grown so dim you can only find but a speck. Working so hard at not letting that speck leave your grasp because you can not let those few people down. The storm seems so big, leaving you wondering if you will survive till the end. The path out has become so blurry, yet you try to remain on course. The fear that you try to conceal to not let overpower your thought process. You are grasping at straws for any bit of hope to help you keep pushing forward. You try so hard to continue on your own due to not wanting to let others see how bad your storm is and allow them to worry. Maybe you are just too stubborn, but to you, it is a means of protecting others from the abyss. After all, if you struggle that much in a place you have seen many times, how can you expect others to be able to maneuver through it? You just do not want anyone to drown with you.

Hay is packed together every piece coordinating with one another except for one needle that does not quite fit in. It is a little different in color and not as normal as the other hay. The needle gets separated from the hay as it is not seen the same. Some may recognize the similarities and believe it belongs with the hay while others will argue the differences and keep it separate. What if this is not about hay? The needle does not wish to be the same just not to be seen as less than.

Being trapped under water, getting hit wave after wave. You struggle to come up even for a single breath of air. Wondering if you can survive just enough until it calms for you to finally breathe. It begins to feel unending as you fight and fight to pull through. Would it be easier to just give up and let the ocean take you away? Though you do not wish to just let it win and hurt those cheering for you to keep pushing up. Their hands are right there; you see them even though they are distorted.

The urge to paint a story on your canvas in hopes to make the internal pain stop, even if just for a moment. The chill of the steel paintbrush in your hand as you imagine the beautiful color you have known to flow from the utensil you used to hold in your hand. It is an art you don't wish to share with the world for fear it would upset and scare those you care about. Your art has been there time and time again as a release to help you get through the hell called life.

Grief is such a difficult and scary emotion to go through. There are many different forms of grief. There is the grief you feel when you mourn the person you used to be or a place that had a deep meaning to you. You can also have this feeling of grief for people you have lost in life, not by death but by the ending of a connection. Then, there is the grief that happens when you lose someone to death. This is the grief most have been through, yet it is never easier the next time. It can be hard to say goodbye to someone for the last time, and sometimes, you don't get that chance. Death can be such a hard thing to come to terms with, and some never do. There can be so much anger, sadness, and guilt in the steps through grief. The want for more time rather to do things you never had the chance to do with them or have a conversation you wish you had. This type of grief feels as though you lose a part of yourself that you can never get back.

The feeling of being trapped in a costume you can never escape. The feeling that comes in waves, some hitting harder than others. The feeling of never being seen for who you truly are. The feeling of having someone call you by a name that is not your's no matter how much you correct them. The feeling of wanting to rip your skin off because it does not feel like it belongs to you.

To be surrounded by people yet feel so alone. To feel out of place everywhere you are even though you are not. Lack of connection you feel because you keep everyone at arm's length. Wondering how to let them in with not understanding how because it is all you know. You have even shut yourself out as a means of protection. The process has begun to heal from the traumas that have shaped you.

Experiencing harshness from others is one thing, but a worse enemy lies within. One that knows no remorse for you, known as your mind. Criticizing your every action, word, and choice you make. Not taking time to fully observe before making judgments. You recognize not every thought to be true but the battle is deeper when it is you who thinks negatively. Only destroying your view of self more than any other could. Stuck in a cycle that only ever causes more pain and suffering. You could continue on the dark path but would forever cage your true self within. Your true purpose can only flourish once you take control back of your consciousness. Allowing for recognition of your own talents and abilities. Pulling the curtain to finally see your full potential and a you that has been hidden for so long.