Managed Chaos

I needed you there too wipe my first tear,

When I scraped my knee riding a bike for the first time.

I needed you there, too celebrate the day you brought me into the world, and granted me life.

I needed you there, to point out my mistakes, and teach me wrong from right.

I needed you there, the nights I would cry and wonder why I wasn’t enough, for you too stay by my side.

I needed you there, through my first heartbreak, when I couldn’t eat or sleep, to wipe the tears from my eyes.

I needed you there, when I got my period, too embarrass me and tell me I was going too be alright.

I needed you there, too tuck me in, and sing a sweet song or a short lullaby.

I needed you there, too send me off to school with a kiss, an I love you & goodbye

I needed you there, too remind me of the beauty I hold, cause somewhere in life I forgot .

I needed you there, when I sang for the first time, at my elementary talent show, I got nervous & stumbled a lot.

I needed you there, to hold me and play with my hair as we gossip about boy drama.

I needed you mom, more then ever, but you started a new life,

& left us with mama.

I needed you then, but I don’t need you now.

I’m 19 and a high school drop out.

Kicked out and left on the streets, stripping was my way of income.

When I lost it all, I asked for a home, you ignored me and again went ghost.

You told my sister too take care of me, and I always wondered why, why you didn’t love me enough while I loved you the most.

Why you would look at me, like you despised me everyday.

Why you took care of me for 2 years before sending me away.

Why I couldn’t get an I love you, not even once a week.

Why would you leave us , and start a new family.

Why weren’t you there when I got mobbed the first time,

No hugs no worries, “they wouldn’t have mobbed you if you didn’t do anything first” was her reply.

When I was losing myself, in depression and anxiety, why weren’t you there too remind me of my worth.

Am I not your daughter, your blood, the woman that you birthed.

Or am I a reminder of your past self, because I sure did go down the same road.

But I wouldn’t be who I am today, if you were there and if you would have known.

A washed up, deadbeat daughter is all you’ll ever see.