I can't tell why I place such a value on romantic relationships. Perhaps its because I always understood things my peers did in school. I got good grades, the teachers thought me to be able to achieve something, in chemistry, or biology classes I always had an easy time.
Where i struggled was human connection. I never got it. I had one friend until the middle of high-school. Maybe at some point I started seeing a life partner as the ultimate culmination of human connection. Someone who chooses to be with you, despite your flaws, or maybe even because of them.
Maybe having a partner, in a way is my younger self trying to prove to himself that they can have love, someone who doesn't mind their insecurities, or their brain, or body.
Maybe its a part of me, thats still grappling with my fat body trying to prove that even though we look like this, we deserve to feel the warmth of someone.
Ive had a lover once before, despite being 23. Only one person when I was like 16. I learned a little bit about myself in the 8 months we were together. Mainly that it wasn't sex I wanted, but connection. The tender feeling of enjoying someones company, someone still sleeping beside you as you wake up, someone choosing you over and over again to be around.
I dont know why im unable to feel okay without having something like that, but yknow, ill figure it out
