Actually, this is not exactly the topic of my blog, but there are a lot of people in the a-spectrum in hazbin's fandom and I would like to speculate on the topic of my aromanticism.
It's just that I'm still learning about that part of me. I haven't understood for a long time and in fact still don't fully understand the line of a positive/neutral/negative attitude towards romance or romantic relationships? In terms of the fact that I have a positive attitude towards peyring, it does not cause me any discomfort to see open displays of affection in the romantic relationships of my friends, I love to ship characters, I am not particularly annoyed by romance in the media, and sometimes I like to discuss someone's romantic relationship, for example, if my friends want my advice in their romantic relationships.
Do I also like a certain aesthetic of romance? Romantic gestures like flowers/candlelit dates, I like aesthetics.
And it's not like I'm against people having romantic feelings for me? If no reciprocation is required or expected of me - it's okay
But I have an incredibly STRONG aversion to being in a romantic relationship myself. I have a very strong aversion to the fact that a person who is in love with me will expect reciprocity from me.
I don't mind being loved romantically if I don't have to reciprocate, If the other person doesn't expect me to have romantic feelings for each other. And if the other person does not have to ANY hidden expectations about romance.
But the truth is, one of the most traumatic things in my life in recent years has been a relationship with a girl I was friends with and with whom I wanted to continue to be friends, she was my good friend, I didn't want to lose her.
She knew that I was aroace, but she confessed her feelings to me, and I, not wanting to lose her as a friend, agreed to a romantic relationship IF she was satisfied with the lack of reciprocity.
She agreed, but in hindsight, I understand that she was not satisfied with the lack of reciprocity, she wanted constant confirmation of love, including romantic love. Her wanted romance, in a completely traditional sense. And I couldn't and didn't want to give it to her, but I was just under pressure from my own decisions and fears - so I just forced myself to lie to her about it, and adjust to her expectations, even though she knew I was an aromantic and it was never hidden, and sometimes I even reminded her of it, thinking it was something will fix it.
And now I understand what I meant by giving my consent - QPR and the aro/allo dynamic. But I didn't have enough information and awareness to explain my boundaries to another person. I didn't fully understand myself. I just didn't know about the existence of QPR.
And God, it turned out to be an incredibly bad experience for me, just terrible to be honest. I have almost never experienced such strong disgust, feelings of guilt, and by the end, just forced apathy and fatigue in my life. It was terrible and I felt bad even 3-4 months after I broke off this relationship., and not in the sense that I couldn't forget the person, I did it very quickly. But I've been recovering my mental health for a very long time.I didn't feel better until about 5 months after the breakup.
But now, a year has passed, and I understand my limits and desires much more… But I still honestly don't understand which part of the spectrum I'm in. Positive/neutral/negative? It's difficult because I also have clearly positive feelings about romance, which doesn't concern me, shipping, or some romantic gestures as aesthetics. And i don't think I'm averse to being loved by someone? It's really okay if there aren't obvious expectations and pressure on me. But I definitely have a very strong aversion and negativity to romantic relationships in my personal life. I will never join them again. I am disgusted even by the idea that reciprocity is expected of me, this is the worst thing in general in romance - the expectation of reciprocity…
And in the end, where is my place in the aro spectrum? I do not know hahaha
I just wanted to pour out my thoughts, my experience and maybe get some advice or just discuss the experience with other aromatic/aroace)
I am still continuing the process of exploring myself and my orientation :3