Nutmegnomegano's Psychobabble

It's nights like tonight when moral is low and my heart hurts that I'm glad I never let anyone convince me I needed a gun... Or some other dangerous method. I'll wake up tomorrow and this ache will be gone.

The memory is strange.... Most times I can't remember our last conversation and yet there's never a time that I forget the first time you smiled at me.

Waking up with the taste of you on my lips... Was it a dream or just a strong memory?

You broke my heart, and yet when the hopes and dreams are washed away it is you who still possesses it. When my subconscious tells me where my world resides, it's your eyes that fill my memory. It's your scent that invades my mind. When my thoughts finally align to concisely convey my feelings, the words are wrapped around you. All thoughts lead back to you and then I spend the day wishing I was somewhere I'm not and living in a memory I was was the present. How can I ever move forward?

I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this gloom. I can tuck it behind a shifting curtain in the presence of people, but it never stays hidden for long. I look at my battle and how I try to fight it and wonder if my bio dad is remembered by everyone as "so funny" because it made it easier to hide his demons. Was his sorrow purposefully hidden behind the pleasure derived from everyone else's mirth? Was it easier to keep them laughing than it was to show his true face? ... Of course it was. I've found that to be the case myself. How many times did he claim exhaustion to conceal his own pain? How many times did he play a prank or crack a joke in order to keep everyone distracted to the darkness growing within him? It only takes one moment of fed up resolve to change everyone's lives around me and I hate that. I hate that more and more the worse my thoughts become. Fighting day after day is tiresome. Watching those closest to you meet the darkness to try and bring you back from it is worse. I keep trying in order to avoid letting those that love me down. I keep trying.

I woke up with a darkness I'm afraid I can't shake. A depression that is so heavy trying sounds like an impossibility. I sit here in turmoil and all I can do is list the people I want to apologize to for thinking that giving up is easier than pushing forward. My brain is slow and distracted. My heart hurts so much. And my soul forgot what sunshine feels like.