...

I've been in an evil mood for hours and I just discovered there was a piece of glitter stuck in my contact lens so I'm going to assume it was that the whole time and now the curse has been lifted.

yeah it was the eye glitter. I'm fine now.

What in the fuck did you possibly do to get hit with the modern day “shard of magical ice in eye that freezes your soul and makes you unable to recognize joy” curse? Like come back here that is literally how the fairytale goes, WHAT happened to you

Cast in a rock opera about vampires that is set in the 80s. There's a lot of glitter.

due to increasing demands and excessive unsustainable hunting of worms, the Early Bird gets nothing now, reports say.

BREAKING: Early Bird and life-long partner found dead at their luxurious Beverly Hills nest; one stone suspected as murder weapon.

in other news: local mother hen counted all her chickens before they hatched and put all her eggs in one basket; you wont believe what happened next! more at 11.

"ingredients you can pronounce" i can pronounce anything

I’ve tried a few porn games, but all they have such bad user design. so like one of the games was a platformer, I thought okay, I used to play mario, this’ll be no problem. WRONG. I couldn’t even get through the first level. two straight hours of missing the same jumps and near sobbing about it. at what point am I supposed to get horny? I can’t even reach the naked demon lady because I CANNOT! MAKE! THE JUMPS! so I try another game about seducing milfs. you need to clean the milf’s house to make her like you. okay, I have limited energy per in-game day, so I vacuum her house, I tidy her magazines, I clean her dishes, I go to sleep. this repeats for days. the milf still doesn’t like me. why?? I’ve spent real hours of my life vacuuming her digital floor. why won’t the milf fall in love with me? what am I doing? what am I doing?

Squinting grumpily at the latest "system-neutral fantasy sourcebook" trying to puzzle out which specific version of Dungeons & Dragons the author is picturing when they imagine a perfectly generic RPG.

you stole dog blood

the place I work at remodeled these split gendered restrooms into “inclusive restrooms” and never told us what they meant while construction was ongoing. I need you to know every atom of potential criticism or whining that could’ve happened disappeared when people found out this meant we got 10 fully separate private bathrooms with sinks inside. I’ve not heard a single person crack a joke about the inclusive signage. this is the world TERFs are trying to steal from you

the nsfw ban on Tumblr is temporarily lifted every time you scroll your for you tab at work

Gonna remember "buddy that's not the character that's your OC committing identity fraud."

You ever think about many peices of media have zero women and thats just perfectly normal but if a peice of media has an all female cast people get... like that? Women should be allowed to kill over this btw

same but it's black people

That's right

Ok. What you're gonna want to do is chop up a cucumber and put it in a bowl. Then you're gonna sprinkle a generous portion of salt on top. Then you're gonna drizzle them with a balsamic vinaigrette and gently shake to combine, leaving you with a cool and refreshing summer snack. In 15 seconds dangerous and burly men are going to drag me away to an unknown second location. Remember everything I've taught you. I love you