nowhere2chlo

And yet I have enough to feed myself and to make music when i'm not working and to buy drinks without worry and to go see movies without checking a bank account.

I don't know what will be enough.

Another worry of mine is whether the growth of my technical ability is the same as being able to produce works of substance. Today, I am much more capable of making a song that is enjoyable to listen to that I was last november, but am I making songs that represent myself and my perception of the world?

Maybe the issue is that I'm making EDM and my expectations are not adjusted to the mission of dance music. The goal is more primal. It's to make you nod your head and move your feet. The song being cerebral or the lyrics being poetic or insightful are secondary to the fact of movement.

Within me is the desire to make something songs that create movement but ultimately transcend pure physicality. This feels important to recognize i. myself.

at the same time, there was a point in my transition where 'woman' was aspirational and i told myself that i was a woman but didn't feel it all the time. but by applying that to myself i molded myself into becoming a woman and im not sure i would be where i am today without it

often derided with the same sneering remark. your rent is going up, gentrification mecca, etc. can't you see how misguided you are?

i personally cannot imagine a more beautiful full-of-life place than this corner of bushwick. all the residents of this beautiful neighborhood existing in the same park, enjoying the same fireflies as dusk sets over the trees. each of us coming and going; grilling, frying, hawking around volleyball; skaters weaving in between passerby's; smokers on the benches and on the grass.

my evening was spent walking past the busted fire hydrants, dripping paletas, tank top recently cut, with zeke as usual. we sat under the haze of june on the one patch of grass in the park. i like watching the soccer players and how they kept kicking the ball against the broken chain fence. zeke tells me i say profundities under my breath only to not understand myself when interrogated for meaning. i want nothing more than to be able to capture this evening forever. i hope you can see it.

currently struggling to understand where to take my life. i have found immense satisfaction in becoming a woman that i had always dreamed of being. this has been my single minded project for the past almost two years. and it has brought me to a whole new world. to feeling at home for the first time. to new york. but this project is just the beginning of my journey, the crossing of the threshold. now what and where to...

seemingly the most miraculous part of myself is my heart. i have found that i am able to see love and beauty and treat others with warmth in any situation sometimes against all odds. i think of all of my attributes this is my super power. a rarity in our world that is often so cruel.

but the people i admire have a single minded passion. to become something. to create. to inspire. to design. to have an output. but mine seems always lacking or maybe lagging. always half-baked, behind, and my passions seem flitting. i have long lived loves that live on computers: websites, music, and games. things that have existed in the real world: skateboarding mainly, though that love seems like it has passed me by as i have grown from my early twenties to my decidedly middle twenties. frustratingly, my dedication to each individual area of study comes and goes with the seasons and the moon.

glixen in my ears. drone and noise the color of the sky on a rainy day. the pounding of drums and crashing cymbals

The lack of space is what irked me. I am trans, transgender, transsexual. Yes. But equally also I am a woman.

I am different from many women this is true, but am called her by the smiling man behind the deli counter who graces my hand a little too gleefully when handing me my change and the pharmacist questions very quietly, so as to not compromise my promiscuity, if I am pregnant when picking up my prescriptions.

Trans to me is an adjective, describing the kind of woman I am. Transsexual describes what I have done to my body.