Noves Writes

This month would be my fifth month of freelancing full-time, and despite how scary the thought had been before I had made the plunge, I think it's the only way I know how to live now: fully living in the moment instead of holding my breath until the weekend arrives. Back when I was employed full-time, the feeling of relief would only come circa 7.30pm on Friday (when I arrived home from work) and would depart around Sunday afternoon.

Weekdays were filled with constant misery -- except on payday, when I would be reminded why I should consider sticking around longer -- but on the rest of the month, I would be stressing out and holding out for the next weekend or public holiday. Throughout everything, one thing that felt certain was God's providence. Whenever I shared that I had quit my job yet again, I would often get a raised-eyebrow response at how 'brave' (or reckless) I've been living my professional life. And I would often joke that I'm just like Jonah in the Bible: throw me out of a boat, and fish would catch me, so I'm not worried.

There are things that we do mindlessly throughout our lives without even realising them -- like aimless doomscrolling without an intention in sight. For me, that autopilot is the constant search for something better: a better job, a better routine, a better opportunity, a better deal, etc.

Recently, after spotting a slew of Marketing and Communications Manager openings on LinkedIn, I started aimlessly applying for those jobs again. 99% of me didn't even want to get a callback coz, seriously, after shifting between four different jobs in a year, it's all started to feel tedious. But I was convinced that as long as there are other opportunities out there, it is my duty to explore each and every one of them.

While most people I know are a bit cautious about exploring new opportunities, I am the exact opposite. To me, instead of "if God leads me, I will go", my motto is "if God doesn't intend me to go, He will stop me". That is, until recently.

I was lounging on my bed with my cat when an email came from a job that I had mindlessly applied for, asking for an interview. My natural response was to reply immediately and confirm an appointment. But something inside me made me think -- for the first time in my life -- whether I should still be exploring opportunities for the sake of exploring them.

Here I was, finally enjoying the peace that had been eluding me for most of the last two years. After struggling with seemingly great opportunities that had left me exhausted and anxious, I am finally at a place of contentment. I am finally getting everything I had asked for in my prayers during my commute to and from Rasa Ria: two part-time jobs that allow me to work remotely.

After having worked under several insufferable female bosses, both my bosses are finally men who are so chill and never bother me about work. In fact, I usually had to wait several days for them to get back to me. Life now is so unhurried and relaxed. I never needed to set an alarm in the morning anymore, except on Sundays so I wouldn't be late for Mass.

This is contentment. May not be making as much money as I did before, but the slower life and the greater peace of mind more than made up for it. I had to learn from my previous regret of leaving Weave Asia that money isn't all there is to life. In fact, having a job that feels like a comfy pair of shoes (that you hardly realise you have them!) is priceless.

In the past, I've always trusted God to keep me out of dangers that I would irresponsibly walk into. Perhaps this time God wants me to learn to discern His will. To have faith does not necessarily mean to go after everything with reckless abandon; instead, it is to have the wisdom of listening and obeying His commands.

The case for work-life balance.

Six months ago, I drove away tearfully from the Church Mary Immaculate car cark en route to work, pleading earnestly to God to give me another job that would afford me work-life balance.

I was barely a month into my new job at a 5-star prestigious resort but I was already exhausted and burnt out -- primarily from the two consecutive years of toxic work environment previously.

Honestly, I didn't expect God to listen to me. Here I was, already praying for another job when I had just been granted my prayer request for a new job. If I were God, I would be rolling my eyes. Except I wasn't.

A couple of weeks later, just before Christmas, I would receive an email lead from my website at kookiePR.com. The website had been left dormant for almost a year and was nearing its 'expiry' date. I was already considering letting the domain expire, as it wasn't bringing in business anyway -- until it did.

"Hi," the email said, "We're a local NGO in KK who are looking or someone to manage our social media pages. I came across your website and I understand that you're based in KK as well. I know that it's almost the holidays, so you don't have to reply immediately. You can get back to us after the New Year, no worries." The email signed "Audrey of DGFC".

Wow, a considerate potential client. I thought. Despite the risk of sounding desperate, I replied to the email immediately and arranged for an online 'interview'.

Despite thinking that social media work is only for junior-level executives, I accepted the challenge and got the job from my KK Food Buddy referral.

A month later, during my first in person meeting to discuss the social media analytics, the Director of the organisation told me, "We'd like to have you in full-time."

I spent the next three months weighing my options: a well-paying managerial job at a large multinational brand vs a 'biasa-biasa' officer job where I'm the Jill of all trades -- handling social media, PR and all things communications.

Nonetheless, having endured four stressful months of long daily commutes, weekend overtimes and demanding responsibilities, I eventually decided to choose living life and life to the fullest -- never mind with a lot less money.

Today, I'm already two weeks in my 'new' job. It isn't much but it is peaceful and it is enough to cover my needs. It's a part-time job (as they couldn't meet my salary request), so I only needed to be in the office one day in a week. The rest of the days, I work from home in the comfort of my tie-dye baju kelawar.

I'm back in the gym and back to having a social life. I probably wouldn't be going on a shopping or travelling spree anytime soon, but hey, I'm happy with less -- which even I am surprised with.

I was writing in my journal and planning my budget earlier this week, making a mental note that I should be cooking more so I could save more. I was reminded of the Kaamatan potluck party that I was invited to this Friday, and feeling somewhat annoyed that this would mean making unplanned purchases. This is one thing about me: I like to make plans and stick to them. Impromptu changes stress me out. Then I felt the Spirit reminding me, "Go live your life!"

I will be starting a full-time job at Danau Girang Field Centre (DGFC) tomorrow, after freelancing for them since the beginning of this year. It felt like only yesterday that I was attending morning mass at Church Mary Immaculate and tearfully begging God to give me another job, and now I'm starting another job, praise God! I think this is the first time that what I prayed for really came true. I bargained with God earlier this year, during one of those long and tiring drives to Tuaran, that I don't mind taking a lower-paying job, just as long as I get my life back and I get to live stress-free. When it happened, I almost couldn't believe that my prayer was granted just as I had asked. Of course, with a sizeable pay cut, there comes a fear that I won't have enough at the end of the day. But at the same time, I am convinced that this is yet another invitation to trust in God and rely on Him for my daily sustenance. In my bargaining, I told God that since I have met my savings goal (which means that even if I don't add to it anymore, and simply let my investment collect dividends each year, I would still have enough set aside for retirement), I can now afford to take a lower-paying job. Apparently, He agreed. So, tomorrow, I will start another chapter with a new job in conservation and a new opportunity to steward my talent as a storyteller. In hindsight, I can't help but see God's grace working in my life each day. I get told by my friends that I might just be the luckiest person they know who's been in and out of jobs and is still thriving in this recent economy and political climate. I wish to point it back to God and my faith in Him. Without Him, I can do nothing. Nonetheless, I do feel a slight embarrassment in having changed jobs for the fourth time in two years. It felt comparable to always changing romantic partners -- fickle, irresponsible and immature. But God knows that I had done my best to stay wherever I was planted; circumstances just weren't that easy. Genesis 26. In my years as a Catholic who is pretty familiar with the Bible, I must admit that I have yet to come across the story of Isaac and Abimalek in Genesis 26 until recently. The chapter told of Isaac's challenges living in Gerar amongst the Philistines during the time of famine. Nonetheless, despite famine in the land, Isaac still reaped a hundredfold when he planted crops because the Lord blessed him (Genesis 26:12).

Isaac was also sabotaged multiple times by jealous locals who filled up the wells his servants had dug. Still, Isaac became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy (Genesis 26:13). I am very much comforted by this chapter of Genesis, which goes to show that, regardless of the political climate or the economy or how mean others treat you, nothing can separate you from the blessings that the Lord has in store for you. All you need to do is be obedient to Him and surrender entirely. God is in control; we should not fear.

After quitting my job for the nth time in five years, I finally breathed a sigh of relief that I'm no longer obliged to do something I dislike for a job anymore. Nonetheless, breaking the news to others seemed to be the hardest part of all.

I cringe at the thought of my dad's reaction if he were to find out, and at the thought of others who might see me as an ingrate who simply doesn't realise how lucky I am.

I've heard it, and several versions of it, so many times before:

"If I were as strong and athletic as you, I'd compete more..."

"If I were single like you, I would move to KL/Singapore and earn more money..."

"If I get paid as much as you, I'd leave home at 4am to beat the traffic and sleep in my car if I had to..."

And sometimes, I felt guilty for not doing exactly what other people said they'd do If they were in my situation. Like, I should make the best of my situation, right? Besides, some others would've given everything to be in my situation. Why don't I agree with them?

It feels like opting for an abortion when I know the next person is dying to conceive (pardon the lack of a better allegory). Just because someone is dying to have a baby doesn't mean I should, too.

Anyway, I guess after four times of quitting a job within five years, I've finally trusted God enough to take care of me. Besides, it wasn't like I didn't try. Those jobs just happened not to be well-fitted for me, and vice versa. Staying would just guarantee that I grow more miserable each day, regardless of the pay.