No Longer Responsible for Grading Your Things

By Mallory Ortberg on The Toast

MONK #1: do birds have meetings MONK #2: absolutely they have a Meeting Hat and everything MONK #1: what do they have meetings about MONK #2: mostly who gets to wear the meeting hat

MONK #1: do human women sleep in beds or– MONK #2: no that’s dogs you’re thinking of MONK #1: right right

MONK #1: what part of the knight do fish go on MONK #2: the head MONK #1: thanks MONK #2: oh absolutely no problem at all MONK #1: both lying flatwise across the head, or…? MONK #2: no one on each side like ears MONK #1: ok great

MONK #1: so when a dog and a bird make out MONK #2: right MONK #1: it’s usually the bird that’s on top right? MONK #2: yeah usually MONK #1: great

MONK #1: hey is it owls or people that live in caves and build fires? MONK #2: owls

MONK #1: hey roughly what size are sparrows MONK #2: mm it kind of depends MONK #1: like AS big as a tree or not quite as big as a tree? MONK #2: oh pretty much the same size as a tree

MONK #1: can cows sail boats? MONK #2: hahaha no common misconception they have to put wheels on the boat and roll it over land

MONK #1: what do birds eat MONK #2: other birds mostly MONK #1: like different kinds of birds, or something else MONK #2: no birds only eat exactly the same kind of birds that they are

MONK #1: what kind of bird tucks people into bed at night usually I mean MONK #2: any bird any kind of walking bird MONK #1: and when it tucks you in, people usually look… MONK #2: incredibly worried it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in

MONK #1: ugh sorry to bother you again MONK #2: no no its fine this is what i’m here for what is it MONK #1: what part of a goat is a snail again like the front end or the back end MONK #2: what part do you feel like should be the snail part MONK #1: the back part? MONK #2: you shouldnt doubt yourself you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for

MONK #1: what usually rides horses like people or– MONK #2: fire

pros:

it’s gender neutral

you get the chance to look like a cool jazz musician

you can compare all your friends to cats (always good)

cons:

there are a lot of philosophers out there, and they all need to get pummeled. here’s the chances that you’ll come out on top in no particular order.

Socrates  Who wins: Socrates  Look, there is a -100% chance that Socrates lands a KO, but that’s because he doesn’t need to. you come in spoiling for a fight and by the end of it you’re seriously debating whether you can truly claim to have ownership of your arms. It makes you want to fight him more and then you just get deeper into the spiral. don’t bother.

Plato  Who wins: Plato Sorry, but his name literally means ‘burly guy.’ you’re not going to win this one.

Aristotle Who wins: You Ok actually I don’t know who wins here but Aristotle needs to be beaten up so badly. Please punch him. I’ll help.

Diogenes:  Who wins: Diogenes I get why you want to fight him. I want to fight him. Everyone wants to fight him. don’t do it tho. His entire life is a series of him asking people to fight him and he still lived to one million years old. Don’t do it.

Epicurus  Who wins: Epicurus Jesus don’t fight Epicurus. dude does NOT care. your punches will be like water off a ducks back.

Kant Who wins: Nobody I forget the argument I was going to make because I just looked him up and he looks like a weird adult baby.

you’ll win this one but why do you want to fight an adult baby. Avoid.

Voltaire Who wins: You sidenote: is there a single picture where Voltaire doesn’t look punchable?

honestly. anyway, look at the guy, he’s like 20 pounds. punch him. 

Hume Who wins: Hume 'In 1731, he was afflicted with a ravenous appetite and palpitations of the heart. After eating well for a time, he went from being “tall, lean and raw-bon'd” to being “sturdy, robust [and] healthful-like”' HE GOT ILL AND IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER. AVOID.

Hegel Who wins: ??? I honestly don’t know but ughhhhhhh he’s so smuuuuuug. Do it. Beat up Hegel.

Kierkegaard Who wins: You Like, the entire Concept of Anxiety. there is no way you could lose this fight. go for it. 

Spinoza Who wins: You But you won’t feel good about it. All this scrawny man wants to do is grind up some lenses and maybe watch some spiders making a web if its a wild day. Don’t fight Spinoza.

Descartes Who wins: Descartes Guy was a mercenary. He like, did fencing. Don’t fight Descartes.

Nietzsche Who wins: You Use his moustache as a pulley and kick him in the chest. When you knock him out whisper ‘human, all too human….’, and laugh.

John Stuart Mill 

Who wins: You JSM is the proto weird atheist guy who corners you and insists on going on and on about Richard Dawkins. You could take him easy. Fight John Stuart Mill.

'DuckTales' Intro And Theme Song Remade With Real Ducks, And It's Perfect

OK Internet — just try to top this one. Watch the full remade and original intro here.