reasons wretched and divine

just over a week ago we had a really intense argument where she was lamenting the fact one of her colleagues has been signed off with depression with the classic “what does he have to be depressed about? it’s an excuse weak people hide behind, pull yourself together” etc. I kept trying to tell her what she was saying was wrong and she just did not understand why I was so upset by it. the closest I got to making it personal was saying “I just don’t know you can sit there and say that to ME” (referring to the fact that she lived through me dropping out of university and lounging on her sofa staring at the ceiling for a month, has witnessed me have several panic attacks, has been on the other end of the phone when I told her I wanted to kill myself, ALL OF THAT) and she still didn’t get it. she just kept saying “but I didn’t let you do nothing with your life, did I, I encouraged you to get back on your feet because that’s what you have to do in this world blah blah blah”

and then again this morning we were talking about how on my dad’s side of the family there is a history of depression and suicide. she just said “well you just have to make sure you take after my side of the family don’t you?” and I was like ?!?!?!?!

it’s so hard because if only she knew she might begin to understand. I’ve been taking antidepressants for over a year, I’ve been to three different therapists, I’ve ended up on the phone to samaritans multiple times, I’ve self-harmed profusely, I’ve starved myself and made myself sick on purpose, I’ve slept on a hard floor for nights on end because I thought I deserved it, I’ve had special provisions for exams and assessments so stop me completely melting down...all of that has happened to her precious child who she is so quick to show off and who has just graduated, and who is friendly, funny, who watches TV and laughs with her every night and eats the food she cooks and has made her house a home. and she has had NO IDEA because I am too ashamed to begin to tell her. how can I when she’s convinced that part of me can’t inherently exist?

one day I will tell her but I am not confident enough to just yet. all I know is that it troubles me more than I can ever express in words here. I contain multitudes and I am proud of it. I am someone who has loads of friends, travels, laughs a lot and makes people laugh in return, parties, eats all the delicious food, dances, sings and enjoys life but also someone who has mental illnesses that I am overcoming. it would just be a much less lonely experience if my family even remotely understood that.