I feel so insecure. I feel like I’m in 7th grade again browsing tumblr staring at skinny beautiful girls, and crying.

Worst year of my life. And it’s not an understatement. I literally have severe anxiety disorder. I’ve never felt more like an imposter than now.

My own apartment, a big girl job with a big girl salary.

And yet i still feel like the very confused, people pleasing, always wanted to be liked, zero hobbies having, sleeping the day away, ruminating the night, taking forever to do one simple task, wanting to randomly doll up but still not knowing makeup, impulsively buying something random, no style having 15 year old girl who wants to run away, zero expectations, zero conversations, not wanting to abide by the rules, wanting to dictate my own life.

26, and i still don’t know who i am or who i want to be. Struggling with praying, my deen but i still have on my hijab,,,a figure fitting skirt I would’ve never worn at 15 tho I have now at 26. Idk. I feel powerless because I keep moving instead of being intentional I jus EXIST.

I am tired of jus existing for everyone else’s sake for whatever the hell i “think” im supposed exist because i dont even allow myself for a MOMENT to think any differently to behave any differently to DO something different.

Fuck. This can’t be me forever. It’s heartbreaking. I’m too much of a fking pathetic sore loser to do ANYTHING.

I jus move, and move and move and go and go.

Who the hell am I?

This can’t be the same at 36. I can’t be the same lost 15 year old at 36.

Today I let my abti know that I’m exhausted and I cried in front of him. But I struggle with telling ANYONE that I’m STRUGGLING so bad. Im literally holding on by a THREAD.

He gave me such beautiful advice and Alhamduillah, I needed his to hear his kind words. I know Allah will not abandon me and he shared so much wisdom from the Quran and Hadith. I needed that so badly. My Iman has been slipping, it’s been on a steady decline. I asked Allah to strengthen my Iman and his answer was in the form of my abti. Randomly calls and picks up and takes me on a drive & lets me cry & tells me how everything is in the hands of Allah.

Now that it’s over, the past 3 weeks have been agonizing. All I think about is your death. All I think about is how I’m an utter failure. All I think about is how I’m ugly, fat and will never be pretty. I’m so lost—even though anyone looking at my life would be envious.