But then you do pray, and you’re unable to stop crying. And then you do read Quran, and your depression is crippling. And you do make duaa- sincere, overwhelmingly emotional, present duaa- and yet you don’t feel better and you feel like nothing has changed.

And so you yourself wonder: is God angry with me? Is Allah not answering my duaa because I am not good enough? Am I going through all of this because Allah is punishing me?

When you have these thoughts, remember:

Prophet Jacob (p) cried so much at the loss of his son Joseph. He wasn't sad for a day. Or a month. Or a year. He was distraught for decades. His tears flowed so intensely that his eyesight was depleted. And despite his tears, despite his very human sadness, he was amongst the best of believers God placed on earth. His tears did not mean his belief in God was weak or his trust in Him wavered.

And the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) had the Quran revealed directly to him. He prayed the longest, with the most intense concentration and with the strongest relationship with God ever possible. And yet he still missed Khadija 10 years after her death.

He didn't "get over her." He moved forward with life, but he missed her intensely. And it's okay that it hurts.

He (peace be upon him) cried at his mother's grave decades after her passing. It didn't diminish the strength of his belief. He wept as he held his dying son, and it didn't decrease his trust in God's wisdom.

His having a strong relationship with God didn't mean his life didn't have issues and heartaches. If the most spiritually connected person- who knew the most Quran and did the most worship- could suffer from such intense emotional loss and pain- then what about us?!

Salah, duaa and the Quran are life vests to keep us afloat when we're drowning. It doesn't mean we won't be thrust in an ocean. It doesn't mean we won't sometimes feel like we can't breathe and like we're being dragged under.

But even when facing the highest wave, even if at times we're swallowing water and gasping for air, it's knowing we have Someone Who will bring us back and keep us afloat and help us get back to the safety of the land again.

When people tell you that you need to worship Allah more, that you need to be a better believer in order for you to stop feeling so terrible and depressed, then know that with the intention: going to therapy is an act of worship. Investing in self care is an act of worship. Seeking social support is an act of worship. And all of the duaa, salah, siyam, Quran- all of the dhikr, the time you spend in the masjid- all of the calling out to Allah- those are all critical acts of worship.

And know that despite the negative ways others may make you feel, Allah is the One to Whom you can be vulnerable. Where we can shatter. Where we can show every insecurity and know that we are still worthy.

So when people say, "Hasn't it been long enough?" Let them know: For the Prophets, sometimes it was longer.

And yet the Prophets- may God send His peace upon them- have shown us that even when others do not understand, even though with your amount of worship the struggles of life are incredibly overwhelming- with Allah, you always have a safe space.

For anyone anymore,

In a crowded place,

Or otherwise,

For every longing look,

Has ended in misery,

Total, wretched misery.

City of Dreams,

The billboard reads,

Do something more,

The writing pleads,

But there goes me,

Standing beneath,

Cigarette in hand,

Trash at my feet,

Cold wind blows,

Like its never known heat,

No sunlight here,

Not on this street,

City of dreams,

All I feel is defeat.