How To Love

Can you honestly love a dishonest thing?

I am not sure if I ever had a soul before I loved you. I was a heart and a mind but that’s all I was, I felt and thought wrong or right but never deeply and never dangerously.

If I have learned anything in this long life of mine, it is this: in love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are.

You’re easy to read…but the whole book of you is complicated.

At your weakest, you end up showing more strength; at your lowest, you are suddenly lifted higher than you’ve ever been. They all border one another, these opposites and show how quickly we can be altered.

Half of me wants to stay right where I am, in this stressful place because it’s all that I know. There’s something comforting in daily routine and sameness. Like perhaps everything isn’t as bad as it appears, that maybe these things just take time to fix themselves. The other half wants me to leave and never come back, to forget everything about this place that I call home and settle somewhere else. Somewhere where no one knows me and I can live as I please without any questions or criticism.

We ate well and cheaply and drank well and cheaply and slept well and warm together and loved each other.

An unarticulated crush is very different from an unrequited one, because at least with an unrequited crush you know what the hell you’re doing, even if the other person isn’t doing it back. An unarticulated crush is harder to grapple with, because it’s a crush that you haven’t even admitted to yourself. The romantic forces are all there – you want to see [them], you always notice [them], you treat every word from [them] as if it weighs more than anyone else’s. But you don’t know why. You don’t know that you’re doing it. You’d follow [them] to the end of the earth without ever admitting that your feet were moving.

The first and final thing you have to do in this world is to last it and not be smashed by it.

If you do what you need, you’re surviving. If you do what you want, you’re living.

May the next few months be a period of magnificent transformation.