Looking For Her

Today I feel numb. Yesterday we both broke, no yelling, no fighting but a lot of truths were said. I don't want to live without him. I don't want our marriage to fail. But we both need to work on ourselves. I'm not blaming him. We've both have stopped loving each other the way we should.

It's hard to keep a marriage happy and alive when you get zero time to work on it. We don't have a village supporting us. We don't get alone time, dates or anything. But we both know we need improvement and we both have agreed to work on us and ourselves.

I've started a note page where I am listing things to read to myself everyday. Things like: stop care what others think, you can't control people's opinions of you, etc. Going to make sure I remind myself everyday of those things.

If you have any good ones I should add, let me know. Guess we'll see how many I have in a year.

Sometimes I feel like I ruined his life. Locked him down. Killed his dreams. Did he settle for me? Was I his first pick? Does he regret our lives together?

I'm giving myself 365 days to find Kayla. What she loves, new passions, old passions, where she wants to go and where she wants to be. I've spent way too long worried about everyone else's happiness that I allowed myself to disappear. There has to be an ounce of her still out there. Has to be, right?