My Getaway

Why are some days so hard? I feel like I'm getting my life together and doing really well but then it hits me. I'm tired. I work all the time. And I just want more time with my son. Between the hustle and bustle between work and school and finding babysitters every.damn.week. It's exhausting. I'm okay with being alone. I can handle it. And I don't need or really even want anyone. I like my freedom. But sometimes, when I get in this funk, it'd be nice to be reminded that everything will be okay. It'd be nice to have a little help. In the midst of my success and everything I'm doing right, I still feel like I'm failing. If I'm not working hard enough, my failing my career, my goals. If I'm working too hard, I'm failing my son by not being home enough.

Some days I wish I could go back. Try and change things. I'd have it easier. But would I be able to become happy? Truth is, I don't know what I want. All I know is that I'm taking care of me and my son as I pursue my career. But I needed so much from my marriage that I wasn't getting. And I know I'm going to sound selfish, but you know what... Sometimes that's okay. I have a strong desire to love and be loved. I need reassurance, affection, and affirmation. Why couldn't you be excited to come home to me? Why was I put down for not being the perfect housewife? I know you didn't mean it, but it hurt and pushed me away more than you know. We lost each other and grew apart. I miss the memories and what I wanted us to be. But I don't know if I miss you. I know we were too young and were rushed. Even though we had been together so long. We still needed time. We were still growing. I craved the attention because all I was surrounded with was our infant. I didn't hangout with friends and we didn't have the connection anymore. I felt lost and alone. Today I'm still a little lost but less alone. I have friends and interaction with adults everyday. Yeah its stressful doing things on my own but I feel free and happier. I don't feel unappreciated anymore. And in the end, I guess that's what I have to remember. It didn't work for a reason.

One time when I was in kindergarten I colored on a boys khaki shorts so he tried to color on my green shorts. So I screamed and the teacher asked why he was trying to color my pants. He said I did it first so I turned it back around on him and told the teacher I only did it because he tried first. Guess who won. Me.