Has clothing ever broken your heart? More specifically, has losing an item of clothing ever upset you so much that you could only describe the loss as grief? What silly questions! Considering this year, the big things that have left me, and all that we have lost collectively (people, time, space, knowing, patience, sanity).
But the navy blue RNLI sweatshirt with the cute logo is a thing I lost this year that I refuse to get over. It is the only thing I have lost this year I thought I could eventually replace. Maybe that’s why it’s so sad. Or that’s how I made it sadder? It had the cutest logo, though – embroidered people leaning out of an embroidered lifeboat into embroidered waves. When I wore this sweatshirt strangers would lean into me and ask questions.
I wore this sweatshirt all the time or carried it in my bag just in case, a security blanket. I misplaced it somewhere between the school on quiz night and the pub we did rounds of tequila in to celebrate winning the quiz. This was the weekend before lockdown. Foreshadowing?
I should be embarrassed to admit how devastated I was when I visited the RNLI shop today and found out that the item has been discontinued. It is a safe loss and so I cling to it. Unlike all the other 2020 losses, that might break me if I hold them too tightly.
During lockdown I dressed up in defiance of having nowhere to go. Which made me dwell, dwell, dwell on the meaning of all my clothes. And look, look, look in the mirror for far too long. And I already knew that I like the way a woman looks best when she is looking at herself. But then I decided that I love myself this way too. Heralding my favourite loss of 2020: the loss of the fear of vanity.
dededos
origamiaround
snowghoul
romaincrisis
izzy806
discoholicmusic
theartofmadeline
