notes to self

I love looking at your face and drowning in those eyes.

this whole situation has been extremely depressing but now I really feel it and it’s not even my luteal phase. sometimes I don’t want to be here anymore.

and another thing - though my wall isn’t completely up in the situation I’m in right now, I am so exhausted of even having anything up at all. I have to protect myself in some ways or I’ll be crushed. oh how I envy those who don’t have to hide. I miss being able to be fully vulnerable because I felt safe. I would do anything to get that back and I am convinced I will get out of this eventually and be able to feel that again with someone else.

in therapy I got to talk about how frustrating it is to know that the things I feel “safe” in aren’t even safe, it’s just what I am comfortable with. and anything that comes along that’s actually good for me makes me want to run away and hide. I want to break that cycle so very badly. I don’t want to stay in things that aren’t good for me just because that is what I was raised to think is normal. I was given an opportunity to be treated the way I should be treated - and I ran so fast. I want to go back.

there’s probably not a day that goes where you don’t cross my mind. how are you? do you think of me too? why did you unblock me? there must have been something about me that popped into your head. I miss you. what I would give to be face to face with you and just hold you forever. and smile and cry because I feel relief and peace and I don’t have to put up that wall anymore. I’m tired of keeping that wall up.

just came on here to say anxiety truly is crippling and I don’t want any part of it anymore. I want to burn it so it never comes back. 

09.29 I hate how crippling anxiety is. how it ruins my relationship with food. how I want to curl up into a ball and just sleep through it (or attempt to since it feels like I’m going to die). I’m constantly needing to remind myself that I’m not in danger and being hunted for sport, but it is so very difficult. I wish I could be the same all the time, but I’m not. there’s so much up and down.

do you ever just find yourself completely crashing out because you’re in your luteal phase and everything is irritating and you’re incredibly emotional and everything is making you cry and then you start to think about even more sad things to cry about and you wonder if you even made the right life decision for yourself? no? just me? okay.

it doesn’t matter how much you adore someone or they adore you, you should never rely on a person for your happiness. that’s your job. the only one who consistently shows up is God and that’s just fine. I really need to remind myself of that daily.

I know it’s also going to be about that time of the month, but I feel so unmotivated and uninspired lately. I miss having friends close by. I miss that connection. I miss not being in an artist’s block and actually wanting to create. I just miss that part.

as I’m writing my vows, I feel that they should be given to someone else who is more deserving of them. someone I haven’t met yet. it hurts so much selling myself short. I am lost.

I was finally starting to feel better without the weight of anxiety dictating my life. and it’s back to ruin me. I have my art things that bring me so much joy. I like taking care of myself and going to the gym. I like getting out and letting the sun shine on my face. making new friends and discovering new places. and now, I feel like my motivation has been robbed from me and there’s a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. it’s exhausting trying to get out of this when I’m in it, but I know I’ll get up again. eventually. I’m just tired. it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I don’t want it.

I’m tired of giving you limitless chances and you’ve used them up in the worst possible way because there’s never any repercussions.

there’s a part of who wants to go on and on about how I don’t deserve anything good in my life but I realize that’s the devil trying to sneak in there. that’s what he wants me to think, but God’s got a handle on it and no matter how my life may end up I am handing it over to Him because I simply cannot do this on my own and I am exhausted.

God - may you help me find someone someday who makes me never question my emotions, who makes me feel comforted, who is excited to spend the evening with me after work, even if we’re both exhausted. who doesn’t mock me when I cry because sometimes I just need a good cry. who doesn’t clap back with defensiveness just when I’m trying to talk to him about things that might bother me in the relationship. who doesn’t dare lay a hand on me. who understands that I need reassurance. who doesn’t ignore or avoid me on purpose. and most importantly - who doesn’t hold a grudge for so long that even the next day when there’s a new start, he’s still holding that grudge. because though I forgave my father of his past wrongdoings, this hits way too close to home and it hurts something so deep inside of me it makes me want to cry for my younger self. because why does she still need to hurt, but this time because of her supposed partner? why?