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@notestomyself25
I love looking at your face and drowning in those eyes.

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this whole situation has been extremely depressing but now I really feel it and itās not even my luteal phase. sometimes I donāt want to be here anymore.
and another thing - though my wall isnāt completely up in the situation Iām in right now, I am so exhausted of even having anything up at all. I have to protect myself in some ways or Iāll be crushed. oh how I envy those who donāt have to hide. I miss being able to be fully vulnerable because I felt safe. I would do anything to get that back and I am convinced I will get out of this eventually and be able to feel that again with someone else.
in therapy I got to talk about how frustrating it is to know that the things I feel āsafeā in arenāt even safe, itās just what I am comfortable with. and anything that comes along thatās actually good for me makes me want to run away and hide. I want to break that cycle so very badly. I donāt want to stay in things that arenāt good for me just because that is what I was raised to think is normal. I was given an opportunity to be treated the way I should be treated - and I ran so fast. I want to go back.
thereās probably not a day that goes where you donāt cross my mind. how are you? do you think of me too? why did you unblock me? there must have been something about me that popped into your head. I miss you. what I would give to be face to face with you and just hold you forever. and smile and cry because I feel relief and peace and I donāt have to put up that wall anymore. Iām tired of keeping that wall up.

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just came on here to say anxiety truly is crippling and I donāt want any part of it anymore. I want to burn it so it never comes back. ļæ¼
09.29 I hate how crippling anxiety is. how it ruins my relationship with food. how I want to curl up into a ball and just sleep through it (or attempt to since it feels like Iām going to die). Iām constantly needing to remind myself that Iām not in danger and being hunted for sport, but it is so very difficult. I wish I could be the same all the time, but Iām not. thereās so much up and down.
do you ever just find yourself completely crashing out because youāre in your luteal phase and everything is irritating and youāre incredibly emotional and everything is making you cry and then you start to think about even more sad things to cry about and you wonder if you even made the right life decision for yourself? no? just me? okay.
do you ever find yourself having dreams about a completely different time and when you wake up it really messes with you? and then you go down this rabbit hole of reminiscing? no, just me? okay.
it doesnāt matter how much you adore someone or they adore you, you should never rely on a person for your happiness. thatās your job. the only one who consistently shows up is God and thatās just fine. I really need to remind myself of that daily.

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I know itās also going to be about that time of the month, but I feel so unmotivated and uninspired lately. I miss having friends close by. I miss that connection. I miss not being in an artistās block and actually wanting to create. I just miss that part.
as Iām writing my vows, I feel that they should be given to someone else who is more deserving of them. someone I havenāt met yet. it hurts so much selling myself short. I am lost.
Virginia Woolf, from a diary entry featured in āThe Selected Diaries of Virginia Woolf,ā
I was finally starting to feel better without the weight of anxiety dictating my life. and itās back to ruin me. I have my art things that bring me so much joy. I like taking care of myself and going to the gym. I like getting out and letting the sun shine on my face. making new friends and discovering new places. and now, I feel like my motivation has been robbed from me and thereās a pit in my stomach that wonāt go away. itās exhausting trying to get out of this when Iām in it, but I know Iāll get up again. eventually. Iām just tired. it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I donāt want it.
Iām tired of giving you limitless chances and youāve used them up in the worst possible way because thereās never any repercussions.

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thereās a part of who wants to go on and on about how I donāt deserve anything good in my life but I realize thatās the devil trying to sneak in there. thatās what he wants me to think, but Godās got a handle on it and no matter how my life may end up I am handing it over to Him because I simply cannot do this on my own and I am exhausted.
God - may you help me find someone someday who makes me never question my emotions, who makes me feel comforted, who is excited to spend the evening with me after work, even if weāre both exhausted. who doesnāt mock me when I cry because sometimes I just need a good cry. who doesnāt clap back with defensiveness just when Iām trying to talk to him about things that might bother me in the relationship. who doesnāt dare lay a hand on me. who understands that I need reassurance. who doesnāt ignore or avoid me on purpose. and most importantly - who doesnāt hold a grudge for so long that even the next day when thereās a new start, heās still holding that grudge. because though I forgave my father of his past wrongdoings, this hits way too close to home and it hurts something so deep inside of me it makes me want to cry for my younger self. because why does she still need to hurt, but this time because of her supposed partner? why?