posting my thoughts whenever i want

i wish i used tampons cause then i think i'd be used to knowing how my own reproductive organs work, instead im just like "thats a wall, thats a wall and you cant go in." the anus? yeah thats a hole. the vagina? no no thats a wall you cant get past it theres nothing. why must my own body lie to me. i want to be good for her, please.

how often do people throw up during/after making out/sex? and before people start saying "that's not normal i think you actually hate making out/sex" stfu, i know my mind, and i know at my core i am a selfish being and if i really did hate it that much i would end it immediately. im just learning right now and i think the anxiety and the exhaustion just make me nauseous. also, i havent thrown up at all, actually, just felt like i was on the edge a bit. weirdly enough, knowing stan from south park throws up when he has a crush helps me feel a little better about the reaction. but, anyway, i just feel like, once things start going further, into territory thats definitely super uncharted for me (i mean, it already has been, but in a way i dont have to be a super... active? participant?), im really afraid im going to puke or something. which i know is fine if it happens, cause i mean, cant control natural reactions, but also... has anyone else felt like that (because of anxiety/exhaustion, not cause of "I hated it")? is it normal?

also perhaps i need to just get off of tiktok but i hate that i keep seeing all these "wlw relationships hurt worse than cishet relationships" and how people have experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, in a sudden way, the worst kind of way, the way you can't expect, not the slow build up where you see it coming. i know heartbreak is always a possibility. i know they say the first relationship doesnt always last. but i want to believe that for now, for a few years, at least, it will. i dont want it to suddenly end. she's such a good person, i see it in her heart that she would never hurt me like that, but the fear of seeing it replayed through stupid tiktoks over and over about their "sudden wlw break-ups" makes me afraid. i want to be happy, with her, for now, please

ive seen the posts about touch me nots and stone tops and while its really nice to know those are options at the same time its like. but i dont want to be that. for once, i dont want to be asexual. well, thats not true, i love being asexual. but for once i want to understand more about the physicality of sex itself, to understand the physical feelings behind it. i want to understand how it feels physically good for her, i want to understand why she moans, why she moves the way she does, i want to understand why she chases the pleasure, i want to understand how the pleasure is there, i want to understand the physical desperation. i dont want it all the time, i just want to understand. to feel it, briefly, and know.

so like i saw some posts on tiktok about like asexuals realizing they are just lesbians and while they may be proven true in the future for me it still feels like im asexual, like do i apparently have a sex drive in regards to my gf now? yeah but its more like a.... people pleasing drive. its like realizing my 'jokes' have a real effect and then chasing the high of causing an effect on a person, of making someone feel good, of feeling real for a little bit. every action i take, its like im measuring what words i do cause what effect. im watching, learning, performing but im never feeling. or maybe i am but i just cant recognize it. either way it still feels good, it just doesnt feel sexual to me. its just actions. its performance. its not a bad thing. it SOUNDS like a bad thing when i say it like this. but i think i really am just not capable of feeling physical sexual feelings, i just like the mental ones. and thats good enough for me. it still feels good. it just feels different and i dont want to mess up by not having the physical ones too