thereβs not a single day that i donβt mourn the teenage years i couldβve spent, and when i see happy teenagers i get jealous because all i remember from those years is being so underweight i was slowly dying, my toxic relationship with my grapist, going to the hospital every weekβ¦ then i try to find comfort in my childhood. wrong. my innocence taken away at 2 years old. i donβt remember any of it, so iβm planning to start emdr soon. first signs of my mental illnesses, emotionally unstable mum, absent dad, loneliness, depersonalisation, that was my childhood. iβm trying to romanticise the present, and sometimes i really can, but in this period iβm so depressed i find it hard to get out of bed and do something productive, i have panic attacks every night, even in the last few days that iβm sleeping with my mom because i get triggered during the night, and iβm angry with the world. and i even feel guilty because thereβs no need to be constantly on alert right now, but my mind and my body are stuck in the past. something inside of me is broken forever and no medicine will fix it, not a single caress, not even love. i was destined to suffer since i was born.
