XoXo S.

feel so torn, my emotions began to run high, and I was at an crossroad. I just didn't know what too do. In my mind I felt I was being played and that I needed to leave him alone. In my heart I felt I cared about him so deeply and that I should keep trying with him.

Not knowing what too do, I turned to my two best friends. They advised that I tell him I found someone and that I was in a relationship, so thats what I did. From the way he acted when I told him via text, they say he didn't take it too well (I'm not to sure what to think though). Anyways, him and I kept talking. Actually it seemed as if he texted me more during that period. I remember he asked me a few question like: Where does he stay? How y'all meet? Is it a he or she? Of course I didn't answer any of those questions. It went on for quite some time, him thinking I was in a relationship and all. During that time I didn't go to visit him or anything, we only talked via text. The goal was that maybe he would ask me to break-off my relationship so him and I could be together, but after many weeks that never happened. So I say about some time in November, I finally went to see him. I felt enough was enough with the games, it was time to figure out what-was-what. I wanted to sit down and have a serious talk with him.

The day came for me to visit him, so I got up that day and got myself prepared (I knew it was going to go two ways: good or bad. I was hoping for good. So when I say I got myself prepared, I was hoping that maybe a series of fortunate events would take place after of discussion. Hahaha) Anyways when I got there, I sat down on the bed. He knew the purpose of my visit was so we could have a serious talk, but after twenty minutes of small talk followed by silence. I knew he was stalling me, I mean after all he hadn't sat down yet. So I spoke up to him (Something I hadn't been able to do since I met him. It was like every time I wanted to get serious and voice myself to him about how I felt, I couldn't bring myself to do it. All I could do was just look at him, cuddle up beside him, and just lay there trying to remember what it was I had to say) and asked him to sit beside me and lets talk. So he did, but just as he did, a friend text him and asked him if he wanted to ride too town. Up he bounced, he was ready to go. He turned to me and asked me to come along, but I said no. He asked me "Why not" and I told him that we needed to talk. I seen in his face he was getting upset, he didn't want to talk, that he wanted to go with his friend.

Can you believe that he even asked me if I wanted to stay at his house until he got back?? So I got up and told him, "Okay, I'll go." I seen his face turn to delight and that is when I said, "I'll be going home that is". His faced turned again and he told me "forget it". He went and sat down on the bed and I sat down beside him and we began to have our talk. FINALLY!!! I can't remember the conversation exactly, but here's the main questions and their answers:

Do you really care about me?

Yeah . . .

Did any of the moments we shared together mean anything too you because I feel like they don't as of right now?

Yeah, they did. They were special for me.

So I feel like you basically used me, too fill up the void you were left with when you broke up with your ex?

No, I mean I didn't use you, but yea I kinda liked you being around because when you were I didn't think about him as much.

Why did you allow those intimate moments we shared to happen, if you knew we weren't going to be together?

I mean I didn't know. And you initiated it all, you're the one who started it (OMG I got so fucking mad that he said that, because it totally wasn't true. He was the one who initiated it, because I remember it all. We were cuddling and he started to grind me. I didn't respond because I didn't really know what it meant, so thats when he started rubbing me down and he proceeded to kiss me and undress me) but I cut him off and told him exactly that. He said "Okay, lets just drop it before it starts an argument.

Right then, I knew he seen my point and knew that I was right. So he said, "Okay, well I'll take the blame and that I should of stopped it, that I shouldn't of let it happened right then".

So do you or do you not want to be together?

I told you that I wanted to take it slow, that I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I'm still not over my ex yet and I've told you this since the beginning (actually he told me that he wanted to move slow, but that he was over and done with his ex. But I guess that was just a twist he gave me so I would stick around and fill his void). I mean I still love my ex, and I still want to get back with him if its possible.

Wow, that hurts!! I can't believe you just said all that. Why are you putting me through all this, don't you think you should of put this out there from the start?

I did actually . . . . . (I spoke up and repeated what I said up above) I feel like if you were the one then you should of came in and completely taken my mind off of my ex, but you didn't. I mean thats the way love works. (I spoke up and said, "No, not really because you have to do the work and get over your ex by yourself and only then can I do the rest. Its like a 50/50 thing.)

Well I'm sure y'all can see that I'm beyond hurt at this point, but due to the fact I was getting sick too my stomach and that I basically drew a conclusion about everything from those few questions and his answers, that I stopped the conversation. I cuddled up with him (yeah I know, I should of walked out, but in my mind I told myself too get my last cuddle because after today this situation is over) and we fell asleep together.

We woke up some hours later and thats when he started to grind on me, obviously he was looking to get some "affection". Though I felt after all the shit he said to me during the conversation, why would I go to that point with him ever again, and basically I felt like all he wanted was sex. Ssoo I started a little bit of foreplay, I let him give me all the foreplay he desired and then after a while he looks to me to reciprocate. Hahaha, I teased him by acting like I was but then I always wouldn't. He eventually caught on and just gave up, plus his parents had gotten back home. So we got back on the bed and watched some more Tv.

Fast-forward a bit and his friend comes over . . . Gosh I kinda really don't like her. When she came into the house, you should of seen him jet towards her. I mean he had just seen her the day before verse hadn't seen me in weeks but her welcome was way more than mines was. During the entire time she was there I basically was put on the back-burner and ignored. I just sat there, emotions building and I could feel myself about to flow-over with tears more and more each second. So they walk out the room to meet his other friend who was outside. Thats when my phone rung, it was one of my best friends. I answered and the first thing she said was, "Are you okay?" I couldn't answer, all I could do was cry. I mean I literally burst into tears (I guess because the entire time I was sitting on that bed, I was hoping he would realize I was still there and come comfort me because I was obviously upset. But instead I was ignored still). My friend could here me crying  and said "Ohhhh NO, we are coming over to get you right now." But I persuaded to her that I was okay and that they didn't have to come and get me because I was about to leave anyways.

Ssoo his friend and him come back into the room and both say, "Ohh you're leaving?" I just gave them a look (but in my head I was like "Ohh how nice of you to notice I'm still here. What the fuck does it look like I'm doing). So she sits down on the bed and thats when he says, "Well I'm going to walk him outside". I responded with a loud, "Well I would hope you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We get outside and I start my car so it can warm up before I hit the road. He walks up too me and tries to kiss me (something he had been doing since the foreplay but I wouldn't let him).

"How come you won't kiss me?"

"Because obviously you don't have any act-right."

"Ohh, I don't have any act-right."

"Exactly!"

Ssoo I gets in the car and then thats when he goes to the other side and gets in too.

"What are you doing, your friend is inside waiting."

"Ohh, she'll be alright."

Ssoo we start too talk, about what I can't remember exactly. . . . but he kinda tells me that the reason he drifted off was because his ex had started texting him on and off, and that his ex told him that he still loved him. Also, that because I kept asking about us being together, it too played a role in why he started to distance himself (but I said to myself, I had a right to keep asking if you was giving me the run-around).

So anyways he basically told that he also felt a relationship wouldn't work because he felt we were too different. Then he back-tracked and said that we should start over again and see where things lead (right when he said that I felt like he was lying again because those two statements kinda contradict themselves. So I knew reassured myself that he doesn't want to ever be with me and not too fall for the same lies again).