excelsior: ever upward

honestly, I'm a journal gal now. i rarely share in this blog anymore but my moleskin is filling with thoughts and heart spills.

but this blog is where my life began, and where i’ve displayed the hardest parts of my heart. i have birthday posts here from years and years. so here i am.

entering an age that my friends don’t get to be there for stings in the depths of my heart. the back of my eyes are burning but i’m too stunned to allow a tear to fall. 

i don’t even know how to describe 22. i started with a simple birthday with who i now know are the best people in the world. girls who allow me to share fully and confidently. who also allow me in. who don’t allow me to scrape by.

i always thought i was the one who believed in growth and pushed that into others. but now i see, that the community i surrounded myself with allowed me to be that person. community that truly were the hands and feet and heart of jesus. i lived every day, even when sad and defeated, cared for. 

then i spent months and months confused of my calling. where was god taking me? where was my dream?

he didn’t give me a choice. i trusted him. i landed to where my 20 year old self wanted so badly.

but now i have friends that i can’t stand that i left.

i graduated from florida state university. tallahassee, a place i spent equal parts hating, is now so special and easy and a feeling that i wish i could take everywhere. i knew i was called there, felt peace and confidence. that degree and four years of my life hold lessons and memories that are forever shaping me.

then i had a summer where i was mostly mad and distant.

now i have a fall where i am confused and lost. 

entering a new age, unaware of my heart. 

twenty two, you were everything sweet and hard. but you cared so deeply. you trusted god’s plan. you had both confidence and fear in relationships, but strength in them allowed you to waver as needed. you invested in people above anything else. you invested in your heart more than your mind. you lived in simple joys.

the hard of that year is so masked by the beauty. that’s how much i loved this year of my life. 

twenty three, i don’t really want you.