Northern Copse News

The next few years will be a "clean-up operation" with small independent research groups double and triple checking all of the answers to the scientific questions. If something weird comes to light, the research groups will immediately perform an emergency correction operation (ECO) to solve for the incorrect answer. If they do not solve it during the next year, the UN will have to officially reinstate STEM sciences for the duration of further research. However, officials say that it is quite unlikely that "anything weird" will come up.

The first to go are the chemical departments, according to the UN's ruling. Professors will be recycled into straws and one-time-use cups, while students will be transferred to another field. The two most popular options of major-switching are archeology and philosophy departments.

For those unfamiliar with the current philosophical situation, the philosophical departments have been keeping to themselves ever since an anonymous individual proclaimed loudly outside one of their faculty: "I think you are a bunch of losers." The philosophical departments then proceeded to debate their status as "Losers," first by defining, and arguing on what it means and implies to be a "loser" and whether such state can be achieved.

In their 889-page response to such a baseless claim, the Coalition of Philosophical Departments (CoP) said, "It is… untrue… that… philosophy… can be considered… a 'loser'… study." A few hours after the publication of the 889-page response, an Anti-Coalition of Philosophical Departments (Anti-CoP) provided a counter-argument, saying that philosophy can, in fact, be considered to consist of "a bunch of fucking wusses." The full 1,578-page response can be accessed on the anticop.org website. The debate has been going for 37 years now with a total of 17,896,351,653 words being written as of now.

The archeological departments, on the other hand, have been quite self-sufficient, with the previous generations of archeologists entombing themselves in crypts, leaving anachronistic artefacts, and defending their graves with a series of puzzles and booby-traps. The current generation of archeologists continue to research the remnants of their professors to then pass on the legacy after dying.

While many find the decision to be quite controversial, researches and scholars all over the world voice out their agreement. David Jones, a professor of particle physics specialising in teaching the Theory of Absolutely-Fucking Everything, was overjoyed when he heard the news.

"We are finally free," he said in an interview with NCNC. "I have been teaching the same thing for 64 years and the university was preparing me for another de-ageficiation cycle to continue my tenure, but then the news hit and boy, I can't wait to finally throw myself into the Canadian black hole and let my soul be shredded into quarks."

A microbiology student, who preferred to remain anonymous, also commented on the dissolution of science, saying that they "couldn't see any prospective future" for themselves and were "considering on becoming a sex worker instead."

DONNA MARYWORTH: Good evening, Northern Copse. I’m Donna Maryworth. CLARK HENNING: And I’m Clark Henning. And you’re watching– BOTH: News at Nine. INTRODUCTION MUSIC & ANIMATION (00’08” – 00’23”). MUSIC FADES OUT. 00’ 23” CUT TO STUDIO. BLOCK ONE. (00’23” – 09’57”) D.M.: They said they flew up too high. They said they were filled with hubris and tried to strike the Gods and escape from the cursed island. They said they’ll burn up their wings if they fly too close to the Sun. C.H.: And it seems that our Conspirological League wasn’t wrong. Just this morning a shipping flight under number “8505S” crashed in the nearby field just a few kilometres from Northern Copse. The experts quickly arrived at the scene and discovered the plane to be of unknown origin. The Society of Curious Eyes has already started an investigation. Join our reporter – John Hamlock – as he bravely steps into an unknown territory and investigates whatever it was that the 8505S flight was carrying. 01’12” CUT TO HAMLOCK’S REPORT.

JOHN HAMLOCK: Thank you. My name’s John Hamlock and we’re standing right here, at the Southern Northern Copse’s Airport near which, just a few kilometres over there– [GESTURES OFF-CAMERA] the plane crashed. J.H.: According to certain experts and authorities of Northern Copse, including the Society of Curious Eyes, this plane was flying from east to west at speeds beyond what current technology can prove. Some speculations tell us that this plane might have been a military cargo plane that was transporting creatures of unknown origin. Here, you can see its approximate route.

J.H.: As you can notice, the unmarked plane was travelling in a straight line over the Great Forest of Northern Copse, before losing control near the airport. The plane crashed at 8:43 A.M. according to eyewitnesses. Here is what the locals have to say.

MEGAN HENERY: Oh, it was bloody awful, I tell you. Bloody awful. Oh, and the noise it was making! I was in my garden at that time when the plane flew over my house. Doing my morning exercises, yes, doing them. You know, the doctor, he told me that they’re very good for you. Even gave me some directions on how to do them, when to do them. I tell you, he’s a very goo– J.H.: [OFF-CAMERA] Mrs. Henery, please stay on topic. M.H.: Oh, yes, excuse me! Well, anyway, the plane flew over me and it made such a weird noise. It was like... Like clicking. Or maybe clacking. You know the noises that cicadas do? It was similar to that, but not quite. And then I saw that smoke started coming out of it, pouring in black clouds. I even stopped doing my exercising in the garden! Such awful it was, yes.

HARLEY WAX: Well, I certainly wouldn’t describe it as ‘clicking’ or ‘clacking’, but it certainly was an unusual noise for a plane. I work at the airport, primarily in the early hours, and I was very confused when I saw the plane appear on the radar. It seemingly popped into existence, you get what I’m saying? H.W.: Now, I’m used to unusual situations, that’s necessary for my job, so I contact the 8505S plane. J.H.: [OFF-SCREEN] Why exactly do you contact the pilots of the flight? H.W.: Well, there are many reasons you’d want to contact a plane. Sometimes it’s to give directions, but in this case it was to... Well, you– you don’t get random planes flying over a large airport without it being an emergency. We usually get routes of all the planes that pass on our territory so that we know what to expect. That was different. H.W.: I immediately found it weird and suspicious – the pilots didn’t respond to my attempts at contacting them. I assumed that the 8505S flight had lost their communications and might have needed an emergency landing, which is why I cleared the 3rd lane where another passenger plane was planning on taking off. H.W.: So there I sat with my colleagues who also gathered around their monitors, looking at the updating flight information. I continued to try and contact the pilots, but I eventually gave up. A few minutes later, the plane passed over our airport. We all looked out of our windows. Trust me, I was so shocked when I saw that plane catch on fire. One of my colleagues began calling 9-1-1 when she saw that plane. H.W.: It was also flying incredibly weird. I’d probably say that the computer – I assume that that plane was equipped with a computer, because just look at its size – it was broken and the pilots might have been fighting for the controls of the plane. You know, the plane was flying to the left and then it would jerk to the right, almost zigzagging in the sky. Another few minutes later and we heard a loud crash and an explosion. Then I heard sirens coming from the distance. Despite this, the airport continued to operate. The early morning passengers were getting a bit frustrated from the delayed flights. [CHUCKLES] J.H.: But what do the officials say? What exactly was in that plane and can the public get their hands on it? We interviewed Anne Standing – the Ministry of Internal Affairs Chief, as well as the independent, crowdfunded Society of Curious Eyes.

ANNE STANDING: We want to assure the population of Northern Copse that the public is safe and sound. The Ministry of Internal Affairs is doing everything in our hands to examine the incident. J.H.: [OFF-CAMERA] Can you comment on the rumours about ‘other-worldly’ creatures being carried on the plane? A.S.: The MIA has found nothing of suspicion to be on the plane. The examination of the crash site has shown some non-human skeletons, so we can say that the 8505S flight either carried animal skeletons to a museum of some sort or archeological findings to a research facility. Nothing alive or alien has been found on site. J.H.: [OFF-CAMERA] Do you have anything else to say to the public? A.S.: Yes, the MIA would like to issue some regulations for the following two weeks in Northern Copse. These are to do with the uprising of certain public figures and extremist organisations and I can personally reassure you and the public that it has nothing to do with the incident. It’s just that you don’t get often shown on TV and I will take this opportunity. A.S.: The regulations are as follows: No nightwalks past 0000 hours, that is twelve A.M; children younger than twelve should not be left outside for too long without any adults; lights should be turned off preferably past 0200 hours, that is two A.M., in cases of emergency minimal lightings should be turned on past 0400 hours, that is four A.M.; each household should own an emergency supply of necessities – foods, clothing, clean water, items for personal hygiene; everyone should put their documents – IDs, passports, etc. – in an easily available place in case of an emergency. That is all, thank you.

ANDREW ROBERTSON: We’re still currently investigating the mysterious plane. However, what we can say is this: it seems that the plane was carrying not just skeletons, but live specimens too. There are a few corpses of various animals lying on site. Our agents are already trying to identify their origin, but it’s most likely nothing other than some chimpanzees and monkeys. Possibly a few cats and dogs too. [SPEAKING TO SOMEBODY OFF-PHONE] J.H.: Mr. Robertson, can you tell us where the plane might have been flying? Is it really a government plane? A.R.: Sorry, one second. [SPEAKING TO SOMEBODY OFF-PHONE] Yes, I’m here. Excuse me, we’re still on site and the plane just caught on fire. Luckily we always bring our fire extinguishers with us. A.R.: As to your question, it’s hard to say. There are no marks or any signs on the plane. Which is very weird, even passenger planes have some ways to distinguish them. But there’s just nothing here. I mean, we still haven’t figured everything out. The plane crashed into bits and pieces, there’s wreckage probably for miles away here. I hope there weren’t any passengers there, but for now, we just found the two bodies of the pilots. J.H.: [EXCITEDLY] Do you have names? Badges? A.R.: No, nothing. Just their uniforms; no credentials, no ID cards, no anything. Our experts are working on pinning the identity of the two men. They’re white, around middle-aged, athletic. That’s all we can say right no– [SIRENS] J.H.: Mr. Robertson? A.R.: [SPEAKING TO SOMEBODY OFF-PHONE] What? Why?! [SPEAKING INTO PHONE] Sorry, we have to go. [CALL ENDS]

J.H.: The weird incident will most likely haunt Northern Copse for many days, feeding into childish nightmares. Drawing conclusions at such an early stage and only a few hours later would be a mistake, but we will keep you updated on the situation. Stay safe and stay sane. John Hamlock, Northern Copse. 09’10” CUT TO STUDIO. D.M.: Thank you, John. It seems that this curiosity will remain in our minds for more than we expected. But not to worry, our brave agents and police officers are all on the lookout to keep our town nice and safe. C.H.: Next up: new clues uncover the possible truth about the death of young Robert Williams. Join us after a short ad break. D.M.: And don’t forget that today’s the continuation of ‘Behind the Shadows’, a new drama TV show. In today’s episode we learn more about Mia Lucid and her past, as well as the past of the sleepy town she arrived at. Fighting off ghosts of her past and figuring out the mystery chain of murders in her new town is what awaits us in episode two. This and more at– BOTH: Northern Copse News Channel. 09’57” CUT TO ‘COMING NEXT’.

DONNA MARYWORTH: Good evening, Northern Copse. My name’s Donna Maryworth.

CLARK HENNING: And mine’s Clark Henning.

BOTH: And you’re watching News at Nine.

INTRODUCTION MUSIC & ANIMATION (00.09–00.24). MUSIC FADES OUT. 00.24 CUT TO STUDIO. BLOCK ONE (00.24–04.01).

D.M.: Deciding to buy a new house is one of the most important life decisions one can imagine. And it is no wonder that so many of us choose to keep the ownership documents to our newly bought property safely. Not only do those papers confirm to legal authorities that we are indeed the rightful owners of the real estate, but they also anchor the existence of our homes in the physical plane.

C.H.: Yes, the citizens of Northern Copse take the matter at hand seriously, however, not all of us are as careful as we want to believe. One such example is the unfortunate Mrs. Jenkins Roomful whose house disappeared just earlier this week due to her own inattentiveness. Join our reporter – Judy Fletcher – as she investigates what happens to those who are not so careful around their legal documents.

01.09 CUT TO FLETCHER’S REPORT.

JUDY FLETCHER: This week an interesting sight took place after Mrs. Jenkins Roomful, 37, had accidentally burned the ownership documents to her house while giving an interview for the local news channel.

J.F.: When Mrs. Jenkins was asked to give her opinion on the recent property tax increase, the middle-aged woman was happy to comply. During the interview, however, as she held the documents in her hands the papers spontaneously combusted from her body heat and sweat. After every single bit of the papers had burnt, Mrs. Jenkins’s house in the background shot of the recorded footage seemingly vanished with a loud ‘pop’ sound.

JENKINS ROOMFUL: At first I didn’t realise what had happened, but when I turned around, it all came to me. I can’t believe that I could make such a stupid mistake as to burn my legal papers.

J.R.: What’s even more disappointing is that my husband was inside at that time and unfortunately he disappeared with the house as well.

J.F.: As of right now, Mrs. Jenkins is in search of financial help from the local officials and charities. However, after getting numerous refusals, the thirty-seven year old woman instead decided to start her own fundraiser for ‘all the victims of similar happenings out there.’

J.F.: The local authorities warn the citizens of the ‘Jenkins effect’ as they labelled it during their press conference. The Society of Curious Eyes have already started a further investigation into the connection between real-world material and legal documents. For now Mr. Don, the chief of the Housing Department of Northern Copse, advises all citizens to ‘keep property ownership documents in a dry, safe place, away from children.’ He has also stated that the property tax will be increased no matter what and reminded that the vanishing of one’s property due to the Jenkins effect is not an excuse to avoid the new property tax. 

DON HOPKINS: The local government does not take any responsibility for the loss of any private property if the property is damaged or destroyed due to the owner’s mistake.

D.H.: If, however, your real estate has ceased to exist in our materialistic plane because of an assault, say, a robber, then you are eligible for financial aid from us. All you have to do is file a report and after ten to twenty business months we will get in touch with you.

J.F.: Many people have already experienced the Jenkins effect, but the government is not intending on helping those who have lost their homes, fridges, and even whole families. Will we get to see that change in the future? The chances are slim. But what we can say for sure right now is that vanishing homes will likely be a trend in the current years as clumsiness and pyromania are on the rise.

Judy Fletcher, Northern Copse.

03.29 CUT TO STUDIO.

D.M.: Find out next how a seventeen year old Robert Williams died during tango practice at his school after a short ad break.

C.H. And don’t forget that the NCNC is premiering a new TV drama show – ‘Behind The Shadows’ after the News at Nine. 

C.H.: When a new denizen moves to an unsuspecting sleepy town, they find out more about themselves than they’d like to. Will Mia be able to overcome her girlfriend’s recent death while battling with the horrors of the not-so-calm town? Find more at–

BOTH: Northern Copse News Channel.

04.01 CUT TO ‘COMING UP NEXT’.

CUT TO AD BREAK.