bar girl

Signs indicating you have the right friend:

1. Number not registered. It’s okay because you know he/she is that friend. It’s okay because he/she won’t complain. It’s okay because he/she understands that you’re too busy to save phone contacts.

2. Typographical Errors. It’s okay because whatever language you use, he/she will understand. It’s okay because even if you’re an alien, he/she would still accept who you are.

3. Bad words. It’s okay because he/she understands that you’re not capable of not including ~punyetas~ or ~deputas~ in your every statement. It’s okay because he/she knows you can’t live without muras. It’s okay because those muras are the reasons why you’re friends in the first place.

4. Courage to tell each other what you both think and how you both feel. It’s okay because no matter what his/her flaws are, you don’t mind. It’s okay because you’re not afraid of wherever the conversation may take you. It’s okay because he/she is your friend.

5. The right to tell jokes even when everything’s already getting the serious shit out of both of you or everyone. It’s okay because... wala lang. It’s okay because damn you’re friends because you all have the ability to joke around even when everything seems so fucked up.

Typical Sunday. Typical everyday.

This is my favorite mug. It’s nice, no?

This is a long post and this is a love story.

Well, someone posted in Facebook an instance from when she and her boyfriend met. I got envious so I want to tell you the story of me and R.

The point of this story is really not how we met. It’s about how I fell in love.

The thing is, I went to Baguio to forget about N. One of the reasons why I entered law school was to deviate myself from all the depression and sadness I was feeling that time. Yes, I was diagnosed with depression. He kinda ruined a part of me and I was just not ready to become too devastated. I had to help myself. It was actually the doctor’s idea. Well, technically, it was my idea, but he agreed thinking maybe it was what I needed. So I told my parents I wanted to go to Baguio. Law school was a front, but I always knew that they knew what was going on.

My father, who had so much difficulties sending me to UP, agreed. I guess he thought it was what I needed as well. Long story short, I went to Baguio.

And so, I started studying, which was actually good. I devoted myself to studying our laws. I made myself busier than ever. I aimed to be on top, so that I would have more reasons to think about other things other than the pain and struggle. I converted the energy from tears to brain perspiration. I detoxified myself from all the N-toxins I had in my body. I started to recover all by myself.

Then he happened. R happened.

He was a stranger. We had our first share of joys and laughter and tipsy moments as acquaintances. He wasn’t my type at all. He was cute, however. He has this dazzling charm that no one could resist, except me. Because I was too occupied with school and isolation, he did not have my interest. I guess this was what gave him the determination to challenge my ability to repel from him. I guess it was also my ability to be an “actual” friend when no one else can, which captivated him. 

We had a one night stand. Yes, indeed, we had. It was a night to remember. It was the first time in years that I felt the pleasure ruminating in my body. I had no regrets. After all, that’s how we really ‘met’. The next day, I had no plans of having anything to do with him anymore. But he was persistent. He continued on wooing me. I was hesitant. What I was thinking then was maybe because it was all because of the sex. So I didn’t pay much attention. But no matter how much I told him that I was uninterested, he still persisted.

The sex part happened again. For the second, third, fourth, I can’t really remember how many times it happened. What I am certain of is that the hormones did their part. No, I’m not saying I fell in love because of such instances. I just felt like there’s something in him that my body and soul wanted. Again, I repeat, wanted.

To make the super long story of how we ended up being together short, I took the chance to get out of the N-thoughts. You may want to call it panakip butas or rebound, or whatever, I don’t care. But that’s how it is. I gave him a chance. I gave myself a chance. In a blink of an eye, we were there -- together.

To make, again, the long story short, I got knocked up. Yes, I got pregnant. Of course I was confused at first. I didn’t know what to feel. The funny thing, though, is that before I got pregnant, my OB actually told me that it would be better if I get pregnant now. I have this some kind of ovarian complexities. She said that once I reach the age of 28 or 30, I might not be able to carry a child in my womb anymore. I wasn’t alarmed that time because it didn’t matter at all to me whether or not I’ll end up being an old maid or a tita of Pampanga. Lol. Kidding aside, that was it. That actually became my motivation to accept the pregnancy.

I planned to leave. I did not want to tell him I was pregnant. I was all ready to leave. But a little bird told him. So he had more reason to be there. He had a reason to stay. Honestly, I felt betrayed. I had no plans on including him in me and my child’s life. I wanted to leave.

But he stayed.

When everybody left, he stayed.

Now, let’s go to the part how I fell in love.

I kinda really do not know how. It just happened. Well, actually, I remember how I realized that I was. He was in the kitchen that time cooking dinner for both of us. I was on my usual ‘writing’ rampage. I had so many clients that time and it was nearly summer break, everybody was so hyped on asking me to do their research papers, position papers, essays, and all other kinds of stuff. In short, I was stressed. So much stressed I had no time to sleep and relax, even eat. I was starting to smash whatever I see in my table. I was already tearing all my papers. There was too much stress rising up, I had to vent it out. 

Suddenly, he came to me and gave me coffee. He lit a cigarette and gave it to me. He then said, “Oh, magkape ka muna. Nag-iibang tao ka pag di ka nagkakape, e.” That’s when I realized that this man knows me. More than I know myself. That was also when I realized the small things he did for me, which was actually what I really needed. That’s when I thought, even after all the rejections and mis-appreciations I did, he stayed.

He stayed.

Even when almost everyone left. Even when I pushed everyone away. Even when I pushed him away. Even when there’s no more reason to stay. 

He did not give me any butterflies in the stomach because he made me feel what it’s like to make someone feel like that.

He did not make me feel passion and excitement because he made me feel what it’s like to be free to show affection.

There were no fireworks proposal nor Ferris wheel rides because there were only the simple things like singing my favourite song, giving me my dose of coffee blend and a stick of Marlboro every time I turn into a monster, or just plainly buying me Cobra whenever there’s too much workload.

He did not give me the world because he gave me my world.

He did not make me his world and treated me like I was everything to him because he did not have to. He made me realize what it’s like to have someone, but he never made me feel like I am obliged to return the favour.

He was not my first love, nor the perfect love, nor the great love, the true love, or the love that got away. He was the right kind of love.

He was not like any of the guys I shared my love with. Because he stayed.

When everybody almost already gave up taming the lion, he tried. And he succeeded. Because he stayed.

There are stories worth telling today and there are stories worth keeping for the meantime. To be able to share such to the world when the time comes.

The hardest part is, nobody ever understood the pain. Nobody in my entire clan ever understood how hard it is to be a slave of an institution where everybody competes for the highest prize. Nobody is ever aware of the disappointment it brings each and every time you fail to achieve the goal of being able to ace that dream with flying colors. Nobody ever understood how much effort you had to give, how much blood, sweat, and tears you had to sacrifice, how much pain you had to endure just to survive among the fittest.

Earlier today, I learned something awful. A little bird brought me bad news. Something I’ve been fearing since mid-December. I won’t go on details. As I have indicated earlier, there are stories worth telling today and there are those worth keeping for a while. I believe this story would lead me to something unimaginably wonderful in the end. 

The news was awful, yes. But surprisingly, I have not lingered on the shock it brought. Usually, it takes a week or two before I can move on. It takes either a bottle of beer or two and a pack of reds before I can totally get over it. However, as I have said in my previous post, 2017 taught me a lot. And this is one of those. I am now able to comprehend things and come up with better solutions without the legendary bottle and only a stick of reds. Also, I am now able to accept things within a day, an hour, a minute maybe, depending upon the circumstances. I am already living up to my mantra, that i will no longer force things. If it is not for me, then let it be. Otherwise, the time will come when it will be.

So today, I learned to accept things a little faster. Beating my recent record of one to three days, I was able to accept the news and lingered on it only for an hour or two. And tomorrow, I will be going to Sasmuan with my parents and my son, to pray and attend the annual ritual mass of the devotees of St. Claire, the saint where my name came from, the saint from whom my parents prayed me for. I will pray, without any offering, because I don’t believe in such sacrifices. Those aren’t real sacrifices. I will pray. Just pray. 

And on the 9th of January, when my fate will be decided, I will gladly accept what the universe has chosen for me. I will accept it and then work on it.

010318

I visited an old friend today. One that had been a huge part of my younger days; one that had nurtured me into who I wanted to become today.

Say hello to the City of San Fernando (as in, the heart of CSFP, the market place). This is where I spent most of my elementary and high school days. I remember looking forward to every Jollibee moments with mom every time she has to go to the market to buy tailoring stuff. I remember the first readings, responsorial psalms, and prayers of the faithful every Sundays. I remember the Php2 cheese bread from LA which is now Php6 and idk why. I remember the newly cooked mani and balitog my dad always bought whenever we waited for mom. I remember the first ever movie house, Mirabes, that I entered, which is now a little, you know, a cinema but not a cinema anymore. If you know what I mean. I remember the buko of Kuya Buko just beside the Bulaon terminal where me and my friends hang out before going home. I remember Netopia which was my sanctuary noong panahong Php25 pa ang pagcocomputer sa computer shop. I remember Mcdo, noong mga panahong nagliligawan ang mga kaklase ko at ako, french fries at mcfloat lang ang buhay ko. I remember Orchids, the first ever ‘book sale’ of my life. I remember Mister Donut and 711. Tangina buhay pa rin sila. Buhay pa rin actually almost all stores, except for Video City na favorite ko din noong puntahan kasi banang-bana ako sa panonood ng mga pelikula.

I remember a lot. Good and bad. I remember how this place made me want to leave Pampanga. I remember how it made me want to study in UP. I remember how much it made me hate being surrounded by a lot of people. I remember the panic attacks. I remember the trembling and discomfort. I remember everything.

We’re in good terms now, though. I felt great kanina. There were no more trembling, no more feeling of uneasiness. No more hatred. I guess because it’s a lot cleaner now. And I guess because of the traffic signs. People are a lot more disciplined than before. 

010218

Lookie, lookie. I made myself a planner. A holiday gift for myself. I realized it’s been so long since I made something like this. And I also realized it’s time to use all those notebooks that have been waiting to be unleashed inside my shelves since 2000 something. I kinda have a lot of them. Aside from those I purchased just because I’m a hoarder of school supplies, I always get one as a gift when I was still working for Monde. The rich people loved me too much. I remember Kong Boy telling me, “Oh, sa’yo na ito lahat ng notebooks na niregalo sakin since 2007. Di ko man nagagamit. Alam ko mahilig ka diyan.” 

Ooh. Kong Boy was my favorite. Still, is my favorite. He was always the humble man. You wouldn’t even realize he owns a supermarket. He’s old. And he treated me like one of his children. He was the only one who told me, “Go on. Mag-resign ka na. Pursue your dreams and become a lawyer. When you’re done. Come back to me and I’ll hire you as my attorney. That’s a promise.” out of all the, “Wag ka nang mag-resign. Ganda ganda na ng position mo diyan, e.”

Akala ko nga nagjojoke lang si Kong Boy nung una e. But he called me last December, can’t remember what date. I thought he will be asking about something regarding the products. But he didn’t. “Oh, kumusta ka na anak? Wala naman, napatawag lang ako nangungumusta lang ako.” “Abogado ka na ba? Aba’y bilisan mo at baka wala na ako pag naging abogado ka.” “Sabagay matagal pa buhay ko. Strong ata ang tatay mo.” “Alam mo kung anak lang talaga kita, sa’yo ko na pinamana sa’yo tong supermarket. Walang may gustong magmana sa mga anak ko.” “Ay nako, Jek! Bilisan mong maging abogado ha. Kaya mo yan. I have always believed in you.”

Sarap sa feeling.

Dear 2018,

Hi. Here you are, the year of the dog. Another year for new chances, new beginnings. Another year to begin building my dreams.

I will no longer ask you to be my bitch like what I did to your sister, 2017. I will no longer pray for you to be the year where I’ll be able to conquer impossibility. I will no longer wish for you to submit yourself to me.

I have my new mantra now. I will no longer force things. So whatever must take place will happen. And whatever must not, shall remain as it is. Come what may, ika nga nila.

This won’t be a long letter since there will be no more requests. There will no longer be resolutions. I have tired myself of those. This would just be a simple expression of my thoughts, a simple message to you.

I will let you have it your way. I will succumb to your resolves. I will follow your path, wherever it may be as long as it would be beneficial to me and to my family. I will go with your flow. Take me wherever you want to, I will no longer resist. I will no longer contest. I will no longer fight you, for I have tougher battles to fight on. For what it’s worth, I will let you have me. Just this once. So we can see who handles it better. The universe or me.

A year to become older and wiser, as what they say. A year to become braver and stronger.

2018, I am ready to fire.

Love,