Luck is for suckers.

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It’s so beautiful

Are you hydrated?  If not, have a glass of water.

Have you eaten in the past three hours?  If not, get some food — something with protein, not just simple carbs.  Perhaps some nuts or hummus?

Have you showered in the past day?  If not, take a shower right now.

If daytime: are you dressed?  If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pajamas.  Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it’s a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.

If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep?  Put on pajamas, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes — no electronic screens allowed.  If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.

Have you stretched your legs in the past day?  If not, do so right now.  If you don’t have the spoons for a run or trip to the gym, just walk around the block, then keep walking as long as you please.  If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store (e.g. Target) and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.

Have you said something nice to someone in the past day?  Do so, whether online or in person.  Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.

Have you moved your body to music in the past day?  If not, do so — jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite BPM, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.

Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days?  If not, do so.  Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets.  Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you’re not imposing on them.

Do you feel ineffective?  Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher, or packing your gym bag for your next trip.  Good job!

Do you feel unattractive?  Take a goddamn selfie.  Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.

Do you feel paralyzed by indecision?  Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day.  If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable.  Right now, the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.

Have you seen a therapist in the past few days?  If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.

Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually?  That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.

Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand?  That may be screwing with your head.  Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.

Have you waited a week?  Sometimes our perception of life is skewed, and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there’s no obvious external cause.  It happens.  Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.

You’ve made it this far, and you will make it through.  You are stronger than you think.

This post is available as a downloadable one-page PDF here.

It has been a long, long time, in a childhood memory far, far away since I have been genuinely this excited to see a movie.  Man, I could hardly sleep last night I was that giddy.  And I’m not the only one either.  The whole world has gone Star Wars crazy in the last few weeks which has made avoiding spoilers in the form of trailers, posters, even pictures on cereal boxes, damn near impossible. I’ll admit, Disney has gone a bit too far in their marketing and slapped a Star Wars logo on quite literally anything to the point where I’m expecting to see Star Wars tampons in the supermarket aisles any day now.

Even if Disney hadn’t set the Star Wars hype train on fire, I think it’s safe to say that The Force Awakens is more highly anticipated than the prequels ever were.  A bold claim but an understandable one considering that:

George Lucas is barely involved in the creative side of the project

A very competent director and screenwriter actually made The Force Awakens

It’s fucking Star Wars baby!

And to be honest, that last point pretty much sums up how you feel about Star Wars regardless of this review.  You’re going to go see it whether I tell you it’s good or not making this review a tad redundant but who cares, it’s fucking Star Wars baby!

If, like me, you want to go into The Force Awakens cold (i.e. not knowing a single thing about the movie what so ever), then just a heads up, there will be some very mild spoilers in this review.  However, they will only be in the form of minor details, such as themes and imagery, there will be no major plot spoilers at all.  Alright, with that said… Let’s do this.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is absolutely, without any shadow of a doubt, nothing short of in-fucking-credible.  As soon as the spine-tingling John Williams score bursts forth from the speakers, you’re immediately transported back to that faithful moment when you first experienced this stirring, epic anthem.  However, as the trademark yellow text synopsis crawls across the screen, you’ll hold your breath and cross your fingers as you cautiously read away.  You’ve been bitten before, three times in fact, with the prequels so you’re right to fear the worst.  Wait, no trade federation, no tax negotiations, no inter galactic politics, just a singular, simple, focused plot?!  Oh, thank God!  So by end of the first, short, concise paragraph you’ll let out perhaps the biggest sigh of relief of your lifetime, one that can only be matched by a false teen pregnancy.

Yes, Star Wars is back to basics baby, with a straightforward plot, clear protagonists and an obvious set of goals laid out in front of us, much like in Star Wars IV: A New Hope.  In fact, there are so many aspects of The Force Awakens that line up with A New Hope.  This is mostly down to J. J. Abrams’ style, which I’ll cover in a bit more detail later on, but also something I’m guessing George Lucas requested they include in the sequels to the original trilogy.

Now I, like the rest of the world, hate the Star Wars prequels.  They were bland, sterile, flat-lines that lacked any emotion the original trilogy invoked in you. Many, myself included, accuse George Lucas of being lazy, relying too much on green screen and not focusing enough on the characters or story as a whole. However Lucas isn’t a total idiot, and did actually attempt to work in some foreshadowing throughout the prequels so they could synchronise with the original trilogy.  Sadly, these carefully thought out moments just got lost amongst the clusterfuck of on-screen eye rape.

During the development of the prequels, there is a famous quote from Lucas where he said “You see the echo of where it’s all supposed to go.  It’s like poetry, they rhyme.  Hopefully it will work”.  While I appreciate the thought George, I think we can all agree that it didn’t work.  Thankfully though, someone has created a touching, compilation of these echoes and rhymes between I, II & III and IV, V and VI which I strongly recommend you to check out here.

Now those last three paragraphs may have felt like a tangent but I do actually have a point.  You see, the entirety of The Force Awakens, beat for beat, echoes A New Hope.  We have a familiar adventurous plotline, a fish out of water character learning the ways of this new world, and the all-important, fundamental element of good versus evil.  To be clear, The Force Awakens is not a carbon copy of A New Hope, nor is it paying tribute or homage, it is falling in line with the Lucas philosophy and continuing the themes that flowed through the six films that preceded it, just like a sequel should.

Watching The Force Awakens is like visiting your favourite relative who you haven’t seen in years.  You go into their house and see they’ve put down a new carpet, got a new flat screen TV, even got a new extension into the back garden.  But despite all these new changes, when you step in the house, you get this blissful sense of familiarity and know that at heart this is still the same house you visited long ago.  It’s comfort surrounded by modern comforts and that’s just what The Force Awakens feels like.

I think it’s safe to say that Abrams was asked to do the Star Wars sequels based on the success of his Star Trek films, and rightly so - those films were amazing.  Abrams is a fantastic film maker, one that builds vast sets, uses real animatronics and actual puppets, and films on location just like Lucas used to. While there is obviously a fair amount of green-screen and special effects throughout The Force Awakens, to twist the knife a little more and paraphrase Lucas, they are just tools used to enhance the film; a special effect without a story is a pretty boring story.

So much like Abrams’ Trek adaptations, The Force Awakens is saturated with references.  From simple one-liners to shot for shot scene recreations, not a minute goes by without a visual or audible reference to every preceding Star Wars film.  Now, you would think this would get annoying after a while but you are so, so wrong.  Abrams understands the power of nostalgia and uses it to a devastating effect.  By offering us these familiar images the audience instantly connect with the film, constantly reminding you of the original trilogy and just how fucking amazing it is.  It actually goes further than that and taps into your biological make-up.  You see, nostalgia actually triggers the release of dopamine, physically making you happy whether you want to be or not.  Is this a cheap, manipulative trick? You betcha, but I don’t care and neither should you.  The Force Awakens warrants these references and to not include would actual diminish the impact of the movie. 

Man, The Force Awakens is such an amazing film.  In fact, it’s so great that it actually manages to mop up the mess from the prequels.  Remember way back when in the Phantom Menace, when Qui-Gon explains that the force is caused by Midi-chlorians found in every cell of every living being and by silencing your own thoughts you can hear what they say and only through Jedi training can you blah, blah, blah.  Since this has been established, Abrams, Lawrence Kasdan and Michael Arndt had to somehow work it in and furthermore more justify it.  So when the inevitable explanations of the force come up, sure there are a few eye rolls initially but through stunning exposition, interesting characters and the ideal timing, they pull it off perfectly.  Mercifully, there are few mentions of mess from the prequels, but when there is, they’re all subtlety and flawlessly rationalised.

You may notice a lot of comparisons between The Force Awakens and Abrams Trek films, which is odd because I’m not that much of a Trekkie, but I am a huge fan of Abrams.  Just like both Star Trek films, Abrams, with considerable help from Lawrence Kasdan and Michael Arndt, has created a solid set of strong characters, each with a defining personality trait and, most importantly, a clear part in the film.  What’s also surprisingly refreshing is despite being under the oppressive white gloved hand of Disney, the female characters are both strong-headed and retain their femininity without a massive song and dance being made from it.  The cast as a whole is quite diverse, unlike the preceding six movies, and the fact they’re not drawing attention to this emphasises that The Force Awakens is very much a film of this era: a Star Wars for the modern age.

Oh, and before you ask - yes, there is a bit of lens flare, and a Wilhelm scream thrown in too.  It is a J.J. Abrams film after all.

So is Star Wars: The Force Awakens worth watching?

Pffft… Like you have to ask.  Of course you should!  The only reason to NOT see this film is if you avidly don’t like Star Wars (if that is the case, then buddy, I feel bad for you.  These last few weeks must have been hell for you.  I know what you’re going through; I feel the same way about Christmas.)

History is an important topic, especially to the Brits.  Not a day goes by where I am reminded of our rich, vibrant heritage and just how bloody lucky I am to have the opportunity to learn all about it.  That said, I only learnt three main things in History at school; The Tudors, The Industrial Revolution and The World Wars.  The Tudors I didn’t mind because there were lots of executions, and the World Wars were interesting because of all the guns, tanks and shit, but the lessons on the Industrial Revolution, which took up the bulk of my history time, were so apocalyptically mind numbing I would end up chewing my knuckles to the bone out of sheer boredom.  Not once was I taught of the plight of women and how chronically unequal they were during this period of history and if I was, it was nothing more than a throwaway comment. I had to learn about the Suffragette movement myself through a combination of Wikipedia reading and stern lectures from feminist students.

The Suffragette movement is a vital part of history, not just for women but for British society as a whole, which is why it is so important that Suffragette (the film) gets it right.  Movies have a bad habit of missing the mark when it comes to historical events, just look at Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbour, which was essentially the story of the Pearl Harbour attacks told from the point of the fucking bomb.  Pearl Harbour was a tacky, glorified, cluster fuck of explosions and masturbatory dialogue that not only didn’t do the tragedy justice, but also cheapened the entire attack.  Thankfully, Suffragette tells the story as it is, without any Hollywood bells and whistles tacked on.

As you can imagine, with a subject this important you gotta get it right and Suffragette does just that.  The casting is sublime with Cary Mulligan taking the lead as the mousy yet determined Maud who, reluctantly at first, joins the Suffragette movement and strives to get voting rights for women.  Supported by the always amazing Helena Bonham Carter and absolutely brilliant Anne-Marie Duff, their entire performances are as captivating as they are moving.

I remember an interview with Steven Spielberg where he described Schindler’s List as a peephole view into Auschwitz.  Through what little viewpoint you have you still witness horrible atrocities, so imagine the unimaginable torture you would see with a bigger window into this world.  A similar motif applies to Suffragette: what happens throughout the film is genuinely distressing and a harrowing, brilliant depiction of just how bad it was for women then, but there were far more traumatic events that occurred too.  I applaud the decision to make Maud’s husband Sonny (subtly yet superbly played by the new Q, Ben Whishaw) a stern yet non-violent man, as it served as a relief from the forever looming threat of wife-beating that every member of the female cast is put under.  Suffragette could easily have been disturbing, rape-ridden, horror tale because that’s exactly how it was at the time, but was kept mercifully on the tamer side of events.  That said, this film will make you experience a whole plethora of emotions, virtually none of which are pleasant.

Suffragette is a stunning film, it really is, but it’s not quite perfection and is held back by a handful of really petty, pedantic, picky errors that stick out to me because I’m a massive wanker.

1) Too much shaky cam.  I understand the use of hand-held camera shooting to convey chaos and urgency (thank you very much Saving Private Ryan) but they’re meant to be snappy cuts with lightning edits not drawn out shots.  There are more than a few scenes in Suffragette where the shaky cam shots go on for ages and it looks like the camera is being juggled by someone on a cocaine high.  A fussy point, I know, but it just serves as a distraction and pops the movie bubble that Suffragette so eloquently blows.

2) While I am in no way defending the actions of the full-time misogynist dickhead, factory owner Norman Taylor, his character was almost wandering into the moustache twiddling cartoon villain territory.  Presented without a shred of decency to him, what little screen time he had was dedicated to his very one dimensional character and offered nothing but misery to the women around him.

3) Now I am well aware of how blasphemous this statement is but casting Meryl Streep was just pointless.  Playing the infamous Emmeline Pankhurst she offered, like, nine lines of dialogue, most of which were said whilst the camera panned over a crowd and delivered through a pleasant gurn with the emotion of a cardboard loo roll.  The role could have gone to aaaaaaaaaaaanyone else and the result would have been the same.  Streep added none of her trademark dedication or allure to the role but despite taking up a whopping 47 seconds of screen time she is plastered all over the sodding posters and is part of the top billed cast.  I’m sorry, but fuck off Streep, give someone else the glory, like Anne-Marie Duff for example, who gave a phenomenal performance as the forever troubled Violet Miller.  But no, because everyone treats Streep like the fucking second coming she has to get top billing, and appear in all the interviews, posters and trailers. Bah!

So is Suffragette worth seeing?

Absolutely!  Suffragette is an important film and one that should be shown in schools. This is a daring exploration into what happened and delivers the findings in an uncensored portrayal of events.  At points throughout Suffragette you think, surely it wasn’t that bad was it, this has got to be an exaggerated version of events, right?  Well, just like when watching Mad Men, you realise just how far women have come and the colossal torrent of shit they had to sink or swim through.  Ending on a poignant yet fitting note, Suffragette isn’t a celebration of the women’s right movement but instead a bold recognition of it.

Quite often after seeing a film, I ignore the reviews and ratings of it to avoid bias.  Sometimes my reviews are in line with other critics but occasionally they differ for various reasons.  After writing up this review I was really quite perplexed as to why Suffragette had only scored 6.3/10 on IMDB when, in my opinion, it should have been an 8 or at the very least a 7.5.  Now, IMDB has a neat little breakdown of who voted what and I think you can already guess who scored the film so low.

“Never judge a book by its cover” chimes the age-old proverb, although considering that most books are swiftly being churned out as popcorn fodder that phrase has modernised to “Don’t judge a book by its movie”.

Now, I did judge Me and Earl and the Dying Girl when I first saw the trailer for it, quite harshly in fact. I foolishly dubbed it a ‘Cancer Cash-In’ riding the chemo wave created by The Fault in Our Stars which has spawned a new generation of malignant Lifetime feel-good films like the upcoming vomit-inducing , hug-fest that is Miss You Already.  I expected a mawkish, pandering nightmare that tugged on your heart strings like a bell ringer on red bull but in actual fact, the film I saw could not be further from my ill-judged assumption.

Despite being draped in an indie film cloak, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl is neither nauseatingly twee nor overly pretentious but is instead a lovingly crafted film based on the book of the same name.  It is best to go into this film cold so I won’t divulge any plot details here.  All you need to know is that this is a film about someone with cancer (but the trailer and the title already told you that).

Films of this ilk are often overbearing and unnecessarily tragic but thankfully Me and Earl and the Dying Girl is never heavy handed with its subject matter nor does it shy away from the distressing realities of the situation.  What it is, however, is this charming, blissful film that’s not only sweet but genuinely funny (especially if you’re a film nerd like me) and is jam packed with more movie references than an episode of Robot Chicken.

In the same way that Trainwreck is a romantic comedy, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl is a comedy-drama where both stick to the formula of their respective genres but approach them in a novel way, merely using the given structure as creative spring-board, making you feel like what you’re watching is something completely original.  Which it really is.

This paragraph for those who have seen the movie and just want to read the review, so, y’know, spoilers

There was a moment about half way through Me and Earl and the Dying Girl, once Greg and Rachel fall out, where I felt the film lost its focus and charm.  What starts out as a creative endeavour with inventive cinematography that caused the film to flourish with vibrancy and charisma suddenly fell flat, just playing out the scenes in a flat and formulaic manner.  But as soon as Rachel is back in Greg’s life, even though only briefly, all that enchantment returned and the film blossoms into life again.  It’s sub-surface subtleties like these that make a film spectacular and more than just a story. It’s no wonder this film won a standing ovation at the Sundance Film Festival.

No more spoilers now

Recently, Max Landis the writer of American Ultra took to Twitter to have a little whinge where amongst many things he said:

“American Ultra lost to a sequel, a sequel reboot, a biopic, a sequel and a reboot” [With regards to box office numbers]

“Am I wrong? Is trying to make original movies in a big way just not a valid career path anymore for anyone but Tarantino and Nolan?”

“That’s the question: Am I wrong? Are original ideas over? I wanted to pose this to the public, because I feel, put lightly, confused.”

Now, on the one hand I agree.  I loathe the reboot, sequel and prequel culture that is dominating the screens as of late where films are being churned out purely for their brand recognition.  Not all of them are bad (e.g. Jurassic World and The Man from U.N.C.L.E.) but give me an original story that’s well made any day. That said, Landis can fuck off.  American Ultra is not an original idea, it’s pretty much a rip-off of an American Dad episode (S04E05 - Haylias) amongst many other sleeper agent spy-flicks.  Sure the dialogue is snappy in a few places but the overall plot is so by-the-books you’ll think it was plucked from an example exercise in ‘Screenplays for Dummies’.

But Landis is not the sole reason why American Ultra falls drastically short of the mark, no, the director has share some, if not most, of that blame too.  For a comedy film, there are simply not enough laughs to warrant that claim and what humour there is on offer results in only a few titters and giggles.  Also, yet again, you’ll have seen all jokes in the FUCKING TRAILER.  As with any action comedy, most of the gags come from wacky or over the top supporting characters which in the case of American Ultra are interesting ideas just poorly implemented. 

Take for example Rose, the small town’s local drug dealer who thinks he is ‘streeter’ than Compton on crack.  He is a big stoned fish in a grimy little pond but all he does is deliver racial slurs for shock value.  There is so much potential for his character, as well as several others that are never explored, who are simply there to move the plot along as and when they’re needed.  It’s like Landis looked at the first draft of the script, found a tonne of plot-holes so just ‘fixed’ them by just adding in these characters to help out the protagonists when it’s convenient. Instead of making a better, smarter adventure all Landis did was lazily slap on a few band-aids and even then, the end product is still full of shoddy plot-holes.

But none of these issues are a big as the film’s major fault which is its approach to violence.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a sick fuck and I love violence, but American Ultra adopts the wrong tone entirely.  The tone of the fight scenes and the gore that dominates them is completely mis-judged.  You gotta remember this is a comedy-action film so when people get hurt you don’t show them in agony, you don’t show blood and gore in horrific realism and you don’t emphasize it all with ominous music and harrowing ambiance. It’s like tuning into an episode of Sooty & Co. only to find a brutally curb-stomped Sweep surrounded by his own teeth and drowning in his own blood.

For all its flaws American Ultra does have a few things going for it.  For example there was sweet, believable chemistry between protagonists Mike and Phoebe (no, not the ones from Friends). Jesse Eisenberg embodies the skittish paranoia of a stoner and Kristen Stewart is given a fair few emotions to play about with, which she does exceptionally.  For the record, I have always maintained Miss Stewart is a fantastic actress and her role in Twilight was a product of awful direction, complete lack of character and patronising story arc.

All in all American Ultra is merely an alright film which would be ideal for a Saturday afternoon movie were it not solely comprised of racist language, swearing, drug-use, disturbing violence and a bit of sex sprinkled on top.  While it has some interesting ideas throughout none of them live up to their true potential through a combination of bad directing and a passive, lazy plot.  The trailer makes American Ultra look far more witty and frivolous than it actually is so you’ll just be left underwhelmed if you do actually see it.  Even the title of the film fails to live up to expectation making me think they should have named the movie after its tag line ‘Stoned Cold Killer’. 

Following the insane success of the Fault in our Stars, Fox is ready to make some more dollar dollar with Paper Towns.  Thankfully, this adaption of John Green’s hit novel is far from a soulless cash-grab and is in fact a lovingly crafted feel good summer movie.  

As a hateful, misanthropic at best, twenty something who has an affinity for Tarantino, Scorsese and Kubrick, it’s safe to say I am not in Paper Towns’ key demographic.  Despite this, I actually enjoyed the film, laughed more than I care to admit, and was swept along into the Instagram-filtered world and Margo, Q and co.  If I actually had a heart instead of a nugget of pure disdain or was perhaps a teen/twenty something girl then I can imagine I may have been a bit more emotionally involved in the characters too.

Though it looks like yet another get-the-girl summer romps with the latest colour palette Paper Towns is surprisingly more than that.  Well, perhaps not that surprising, after all it was written by John Green.  Sure, the usual tropes of high-school outsiders and the almighty prom are glaringly present but the story takes a refreshing approach to the characters and the arcs they journey through, one that is a much needed shake-up for the genre.  Though it felt there were some small set-up scenes missing there was enough there for the audience to put two and two together to fill any plot holes.

However it doesn’t stray too far from the standard summer format where inane, fuzzy-warm dialogue (the kind you find on your mums fridge magnets) pops up like unwanted pimples amongst the otherwise natural teenage chatter, leaving you groaning more than an over-enthusiastic frat bro in a porno.  Not surprisingly, Margo is the quirky girl-next-door who opens the plain, by-the-book eyes of Q and shows him that there is so much more to life and you need to live in the moment and all those other vomit inducing niceties that are impossible in the real world.  Yes, it’s the all too familiar manic pixie dream girl, only this time round the pixie dream girl in question is so god-damn manic it’s a miracle she’s not been sectioned and better yet lobotomised.  Oh, and by the way, it’s also real easy to live life to the full when your exceedingly wealthy parents are footing your credit card bill.

Nevertheless, Paper Town sets out to make you all giddy-bubbly and by God does it do it, well to all you heart-bearing humans at least.  Unlike The Fault in Our Stars which reduced cinemas to sniffling weep emporiums, you will practically skip out of the theatre this time round.  Filled with gorgeous shots and a soundtrack that complements them perfectly, Paper Towns is a solid summer movie that takes you on a blissful 109 minute road-trip.  Even if it does massively gloss over the fact that some hot 18 year old fucking-off cross country all on her own would most likely end up in some Fritzl-esque torture basement. Movies eh, totally unrealistic.

Mission Impossible 5 was meh. Alright but not the best in the series.  It’s an action spy thriller that delivers everything you expect, so long as you turn your brain off for the 2hr+ duration.  However, as an action film, it was too long and too self-indulgent with only a handful of cool action scenes on offer.  Unlike Adam Sandler in his recent, ahem, “comedies”, Cruise doesn’t look tired or jaded and as with everything else he stars in, he gives it his all.

Let’s just say potential, mild spoilers from this point on so skip to the last two paragraphs for summary

Bad Things

After five movies, the Mission Impossible franchise’s reliance on technology, convenience and audience’s ability to forgive glaring plot-holes has become too damn heavy.  Every time the gang have to infiltrate somewhere or embark upon a mission you can just picture the boardroom conversations at the studio.

Executive #1: “Hmmm, how can we get these guys into the base?” Executive #3: “They’ll hack their way in. With smartphones.”   Executive #2: “Brilliant” Executive #1: “But then they need to overwrite the power plant.” Executive #3: “Better give them a Spy App.”   Executive #4: “Excellent! We can get Windows Phone to sponsor” Executive #1: “Okay, they need a way to escape” Executive #5: “They can upload themselves to the cloud!” Executive #2: “GENIUS”

Not only are the gadgets ridiculously convenient, so is everything else to do with the plot.  Inexplicably there always happens to be a rope or defibrillator on hand and the buttons are always accidently pressed at the right time to ensure escape.  Sure, the same complaints apply to other spy films but the coincidences in Rogue Nation just take the piss.

While there are many errors and tropes that take you out of the movie, for example the same *smack* effect used for every single punch, kick and headbutt, the two major complaints are the film’s length and lacklustre villain.

At about the 90 minute mark, Cruise and co had pulled off their latest caper-heist and things wound down to a somewhat natural conclusion, both in the movie’s pace and story arcs.  The audience had seen all the stunts, fights and getaways and were satisfied, ready to go home.  But no, the film kept going and plodded along for another 40 minutes where the entire theatre sat bored and disinterested.  I know I am not alone in thinking this as people around me were becoming restless, checking Facebook and murmuring amongst themselves.  Had this film been concise and closer to the 90 minutes mark then a lot of people, myself included, would be praising this film.  Instead everyone left the cinema drained and bored as if they had just sat through an extensive 9 hour lecture on the colour beige.

It didn’t help matters that this film’s bad guy was bland, boring and badly acted where Evil-Man No.5 (Solomon Lane) had the menace and depth of a deflated paddling pool.  Despite ticking off all the other movie villain tropes:

• thirst for money and power • dressing in black • hiring henchmen • hiding behind laptop • excellent taste in decor

the biggest box of all was left unchecked: possessing an ounce of personality and charisma.  Oh, and every single line delivered was done so through a breathy murmur turning what was meant to be a dark, brooding villain into Turtle-Neck Mumble-Man.

(Please note; Sean Harris is an outstanding actor as is evident in the truly harrowing Channel 4 drama Southcliffe, and his performance in MI:5 is down to piss-poor directing and distinct lack of character.)

Of course, all of these flaws pale in comparison to the immense transgression of implying there is a bass flute in Turandot when there are only three concert flutes in Puccini’s masterpiece.  Guh! Oh, and you don’t clap after every fucking aria in an opera you uncouth philistines, you wait until the end of an act before applauding. Idiots.

Good things

While there was a lot wrong with Mission Impossible 5 it wasn’t all bad.  The opening sequence and many other edge-of-the-seat action scenes throughout the film were genuinely tense and engaging. Despite having already seen every fucking stunt in the trailers they were still awesome to watch again, only this time with context!  Kudos for Cruise’s free-diving scene, which turns out was filmed in one take where he held his breath for six minutes.  I remember thinking while watching this sequence “man, this would be awesome if it were in one long take with no cuts” and I’m really quite disappointed they didn’t down this route.  I thinking I’m spoiled by True Detective.

Amongst all the big budget explosions and stunts, there were plenty of little redeeming features that made the film more enjoyable.  Things like Ilsa Faust removing her heels before she ran anywhere (I’m looking at you Jurassic World), all the humour was played straight, and a there was a rare and refreshing lack of a romantic sub-plot.  That’s not to say the film was free of groaners and the occasional bollocks line like “he is the living embodiment of destiny” would be crow-barred in.

Summary

So yeah, Mission Impossible 5 is like the last four, action packed and entertaining.  Even though the stunts are absolutely amazing, they are too few and far between to make up for the stupid plot, lazy justification, ridiculous reveals, awful villain and excessive run-time.  As far as summer movies go this is one of the better ones this year and if you simply have to see it, make sure you do so on the big screen.