Square Astronaut, Round Hole

so uh, throwback thursday

Its been a year and 7 months and every time I post one of these I realized that the last time, I didn’t even know what loving myself meant. I can’t wait to see what life is like a year from now.

In just under two years, I cut my bangs, went through my first relationship, learned to depend on myself when you realized that you deserved better than me, got drunk and then learned the difference between drinking and having fun and drinking to feel okay, started skateboarding, realized college is so much better than i thought it would be, finally started to believe my dad when he said “i love you” , joined a sorority and started feeling at home 500 miles from the only place I’ve ever lived. 

I may not be sure about where to call home, or how long my friendships will last, or what I want to research, or how to define myself. But that’s okay. I find something to love about every day no matter how small. I am sappy and I fall in love easily and I am needy and I listen to shitty music and I am happy. In the first photo I was 14 and wasn’t sure if the next four years were worth living. Today, I can’t see myself at 19 because I can’t imagine life being better than it is in this moment but I know that it will be.  

Things that have changed: I got bad again, got dumped, went to therapy, got good again, realized I can’t handle college and a relationship, cut out toxic and negative people from my life, and started being my honest and true self, and got research. I’m not fully there yet, since I still got to tell my parents about all the “bad” parts of me, and I still have to come out to them, but for now, its good enough. 

I make up excused to call my dad, just so he knows I miss him I went home this summer because I thought I was going to lose my nana, but shes doing fantastic still. So in june, I got a job at a summer camp, where I stayed on week nights. It was a good middle ground between being at home during the summer, and next summer, when I’ll go away for a research internship. I realized that I love education, and i met people who changed me, and helped me grow in ways that I cant even begin to explain. 

I’m 20, 19 was great despite everything. I have dreams, and I’m getting there, and one day, I’ll have my PhD in astronomy or planetary science, and ill get to do research and teach. 

The first photo set I posted was because I realized that I was truly getting better, and I liked how I looked, and my life at large, so much more over just one year. I add to it every year, although I always mean to do it in august and rarely actually do. I’m gonna keep adding to this post, because I like to look back and see how I felt about life, and how i had grown. this post, this blog, this person that i am, is not for anyone else, its just for me. 

My hair is getting long again, and i’ve decided that i really like having bangs, and just like that girl in turf told me, i can rock bangs. I dont need them to hid my forehead (still hate it), or to hid myself behind. i just like how they look. and right now, i like how long hair looks, so i’m gonna keep it long. for a while, i related how short my hair was to being happy and carefree. maybe its true, since i am much less carefree now then i was my senior year of high school, but i think thats just growing up, and focusing on my future. 

Most importantly, I realized that I can’t change how people act or see the world in one day or one conversation. It takes so much time to learn new behaviors, but sometimes one thing you say to someone can effect them down the line. This also applies to myself. I can tell myself I want to be happy, but I have to consciously work towards it, always, and I’ll get there one day.

I’m 21, going into my senior year, and I just moved from Alabama back to Mass, and I’m about to move into my first real place in a week down in Maryland. Moving isn’t hard anymore, being anywhere but Maryland is whats hard. Last summer taught me how to trust and love people again, and this summer taught me to trust and love myself. 

What was I doing in Alabama? Just living the dream of my 14 year old self. I interned at NASA Marshall in the Meteoroid Environment Office. I loved it, but I’m happy with my 10 weeks there. I know now that I have a future in astronomy, that I can do this, and that I am smart enough to be here. Life’s too short to worry about whether I was mistakenly admitted to UMD or NASA. I wasn’t, You weren’t. Impostor syndrome is just that, your brain lying to you. You belong here.

I’m getting better about sticking to taking my vitamin d, and I’m trying to eat better and exercise. My mental health hasn’t been amazing, but every day I work to do better. I’ve realized why I love academia, and its because I don’t know what to do in my free time. So this summer, I picked up two hobbies; hiking and painting. I’m going to put in more effort to have time for myself in the future. 

I don’t use this blog for anything but myself to look back at. I started this post because I used my hair to reflect who I thought I was as a person. My identity was tied so closely to it. Not as much anymore. I look how I look for me, not because I want to communicate my personality to others. I know who I am, and you’ll learn soon enough. I grew my hair out this past year, and then I chopped it. Ultimately, short hair is me. I’ve missed it, and I’m glad to be back. 

I’m excited for the future, but I don’t want to graduate. I’ve made a family in Maryland, and I’ll be leaving them in a year. But for once, people I love have already left, and moved on with their lives, and that’s okay. I’m going to grad school. I don’t know when or how or if it’ll be through the traditional path, but I’m gonna do it. 

I’m 22, starting grad school in 4 days! I’m officially moved into an apartment. It is a bit different from last year, as I’m living a millennial dream of having a one bedroom/no roommates. It’s not weird yet, but I’m sure it will be in time. I’m hoping to adopt a cat in the next few days. For now, I’m so excited to have my own space, and pretend that I can be an adult. I’m even farther from home, and COVID-19 is going to make travelling extra hard, but I think I’m up for the challenge. 

I graduated from Maryland with High honors in astronomy, and I’m suppose to be writing a manuscript right now but I’m taking a break to make this post. I’m super proud to be a first gen college student, to have graduated with high honors and a degree I was told not to pursue. I was the only student in my department who did a double major (everyone else did a double degree or graduated in 3 years). At first, I felt so out of place. And then I remember who I am, what I’ve been through in the past 22 years, and that I didn’t need or WANT that double degree to start with. 

Quarantine/Social Distancing/whatever you want to call it has allowed me to finally deal with most of the trauma I’ve been living with. I’ve been working daily to do better for myself, and to treat others better. I am grateful for a break, and a chance to slow down before graduate school. I truly feel ready for grad school now. 

I’ve mostly cut meat out of my diet, and I’m working to entirely cut it. I’m eating better, and this past year I played intramural sports with other astro majors and realized how much I missed sports. I’ve started skateboarding again, and I’m really glad that I have. I’m not the kid I was and the people in my life have changed, but I still love the wind in my face in the same ways. 

I miss the kids from summer camp. Some of them are starting college now, and I’m rooting for them. I miss Alabama and my friends from NASA. I’m going to try and see them before this school year is over. Sometimes I miss my high school and work friends, but I’m so far distant from who I was. I know that they’ve changed just as much as me, and I wonder if we could even be friends again.

This post started for me to celebrate how I looked, how much I had grown as an adult and as a person. To visualize the confidence I had gained. It has changed, as I (and my priorities) have. I’m confident in how I look. I’m confident in my abilities. I’ll keep making these posts and including pictures to celebrate how far I’ve come from that suicidal teenager in the first photo.

Things have changed, for the better and for the worst. My Nana doesn’t remember me, and shes not doing well. My parents have been having issues since my mom moved in with my Nana to take care of her. My sister and her boyfriend broke up when I was confident they were a permanent thing. My best friend spent a month in the hospital and I wasn’t even there for her. My dad lost 2 siblings in 2 months. 

I was aggressively reminded of the vulnerability and mortality of my friends and family this past year, and I was reminded of the importance of communicating love efficiently to people. My lack of empathy and concern prevented me from seeing the danger in situations, and I could’ve lessened the pain for my friends if I had reacted stronger. I know that for the future, and its a lesson I won’t forget.

Life is complicated, and hard. Getting up in the morning can be hard but it means I get to live another day. I might try to do my PhD in 4 years instead of 5 years so that I can have a chance to be closer to my parents for an extra year. 

There’s a lot on my plate, but I’m ready to tackle it. 

I’m going into my SECOND year of GRAD school!! Quals are coming up in September but I’m not worried. To be honest, grad school is a lot easier than undergrad. Maybe I’m not doing enough, or maybe undergrad just sucked. 

I love Indiana. I love waking up in the morning to the light pouring in my bedroom window and I love falling asleep looking at stars out my window. Living downtown but being a 15 minute drive from the corn is the closest I’ve felt to home since I left. I’d rather it be the forest, or there be any form of topography, but I’ll take what I can get. My advisors are incredible, and I’ve made some really great friends out here. 

With every friendship comes drama and pain though. Vince says I love people easily, and maybe too hard. I take things personally and I push people away so I won’t keep getting hurt. It’s easier to leave. I’m working on sticking around, calling more, keeping in touch. 

Today would be my grampy’s 100th birthday if he had lived. I got a tattoo of a robin and five quaker ladies for him in March of this year. My parents don’t love it but nothing bad happened. I hid it from them when I went home in April for my nana’s funeral. I accepted her loss years ago when she forgot who I was. It’s still hard.

My sister & I got matching tattoos last week. Handwritten (by Soupy!) lyrics on our arms. I am starting to look like the person I always dreamed about being. My life is turning into what I dreamed about. I am unashamed at being childish and easily excited by life and science and space. I love all of my friends with my heart and I still hold on dearly to the people I have left or lost. 

Oh, and her name is Boots. She’s my favorite thing in the world. 

This year has been hard. Every year has been hard and every year has been so much growth. I’m going to try and get on anti-anxiety meds (ssri, probably), because it’s gotten a bit out of control. I’m struggling with accepting that I’ve gained weight, but I’m doing okay. Part of it is that I work out more, and that I’ve settled into my body more, and part of it is that the past 10 months have been exhausting with work and I haven’t been eating well. 

I remember being deep in my eating disorder in middle school, pushing myself to hit 110 pounds. 100 was unachievable, but i never wanted to be above 130 again. God, how far away that number feels now. As I grown, I’ve learned that weight looks different on everyone, and that a number on a scale, or a value of BMI, is meaningless. I’m alive. I eat food that makes me happy and lets me function. The people that love me will never notice that I gained 20 pounds, and most of them have no idea how much I weight. 

I went to Europe in April, for work. My first time oversees, and it went so well. I went to Iceland alone for a 9 hr layover, went to London with my sister, feel in love with south Holland and ESA, and realized I hate tourist cities. I can’t wait to go back. 

Vince is still my best friend. I hope that never stops being true. My other best friend’s younger sibling is now dating Vince. I also hope (as long as they’re both happy) that never stops being true. 

I’m working on focusing my energy and time on the people who truly matter to me. I’m not great at letting them know how much I really care, but the past few months have made it obvious that I need to do better. I’m not good at boundaries, or having conversations about my lack of boundaries with friends. I keep making what feels like the same mistakes, but every time I actually am getting better at talking about it, and maybe one day I won’t lose a friendship over someone else’s assumptions about my intentions. 

I got two more tattoos - a bat (for friday the 13th flash, which will one day be colored in purple for scooby doo), and a girl as a ghost with some indiana wildflowers. It’s a reminder that, while I don’t know what I’m upset about, and while i spent this year as a ghost, I’m not alone. Everyone has their struggles, and I will never feel entirely at home or happy. What matters is that I enjoy it, and that the happy things outweigh the sad. 

I love living in indiana. I love living downtown above a restaurant and carrying my bike up three flights. i love driving for 15 minutes to be in the corn fields. i love my friends, my lab group, my department. I fucking hate the policies that dictate my life, here and in this country. I hate that my friends get called the f-slur here. I hate living this far away from my sister and vince. i miss having a train to get to the airport on. But I love my job, and I’m willing to make these choices to chase my dreams. I’ve wanted this since I was a kid, and I’m the person I daydreamed about being, even with all my flaws.

I guess that’s it for now? 

Maybe the next time I post, I’ll be a PhD.

We’ll see. 

so uh, throwback thursday

Its been a year and 7 months and every time I post one of these I realized that the last time, I didn’t even know what loving myself meant. I can’t wait to see what life is like a year from now.

In just under two years, I cut my bangs, went through my first relationship, learned to depend on myself when you realized that you deserved better than me, got drunk and then learned the difference between drinking and having fun and drinking to feel okay, started skateboarding, realized college is so much better than i thought it would be, finally started to believe my dad when he said “i love you” , joined a sorority and started feeling at home 500 miles from the only place I’ve ever lived. 

I may not be sure about where to call home, or how long my friendships will last, or what I want to research, or how to define myself. But that’s okay. I find something to love about every day no matter how small. I am sappy and I fall in love easily and I am needy and I listen to shitty music and I am happy. In the first photo I was 14 and wasn’t sure if the next four years were worth living. Today, I can’t see myself at 19 because I can’t imagine life being better than it is in this moment but I know that it will be.  

Things that have changed: I got bad again, got dumped, went to therapy, got good again, realized I can’t handle college and a relationship, cut out toxic and negative people from my life, and started being my honest and true self, and got research. I’m not fully there yet, since I still got to tell my parents about all the “bad” parts of me, and I still have to come out to them, but for now, its good enough. 

I make up excused to call my dad, just so he knows I miss him I went home this summer because I thought I was going to lose my nana, but shes doing fantastic still. So in june, I got a job at a summer camp, where I stayed on week nights. It was a good middle ground between being at home during the summer, and next summer, when I’ll go away for a research internship. I realized that I love education, and i met people who changed me, and helped me grow in ways that I cant even begin to explain. 

I’m 20, 19 was great despite everything. I have dreams, and I’m getting there, and one day, I’ll have my PhD in astronomy or planetary science, and ill get to do research and teach. 

The first photo set I posted was because I realized that I was truly getting better, and I liked how I looked, and my life at large, so much more over just one year. I add to it every year, although I always mean to do it in august and rarely actually do. I’m gonna keep adding to this post, because I like to look back and see how I felt about life, and how i had grown. this post, this blog, this person that i am, is not for anyone else, its just for me. 

My hair is getting long again, and i’ve decided that i really like having bangs, and just like that girl in turf told me, i can rock bangs. I dont need them to hid my forehead (still hate it), or to hid myself behind. i just like how they look. and right now, i like how long hair looks, so i’m gonna keep it long. for a while, i related how short my hair was to being happy and carefree. maybe its true, since i am much less carefree now then i was my senior year of high school, but i think thats just growing up, and focusing on my future. 

Most importantly, I realized that I can’t change how people act or see the world in one day or one conversation. It takes so much time to learn new behaviors, but sometimes one thing you say to someone can effect them down the line. This also applies to myself. I can tell myself I want to be happy, but I have to consciously work towards it, always, and I’ll get there one day.

I’m 21, going into my senior year, and I just moved from Alabama back to Mass, and I’m about to move into my first real place in a week down in Maryland. Moving isn’t hard anymore, being anywhere but Maryland is whats hard. Last summer taught me how to trust and love people again, and this summer taught me to trust and love myself. 

What was I doing in Alabama? Just living the dream of my 14 year old self. I interned at NASA Marshall in the Meteoroid Environment Office. I loved it, but I’m happy with my 10 weeks there. I know now that I have a future in astronomy, that I can do this, and that I am smart enough to be here. Life’s too short to worry about whether I was mistakenly admitted to UMD or NASA. I wasn’t, You weren’t. Impostor syndrome is just that, your brain lying to you. You belong here.

I’m getting better about sticking to taking my vitamin d, and I’m trying to eat better and exercise. My mental health hasn’t been amazing, but every day I work to do better. I’ve realized why I love academia, and its because I don’t know what to do in my free time. So this summer, I picked up two hobbies; hiking and painting. I’m going to put in more effort to have time for myself in the future. 

I don’t use this blog for anything but myself to look back at. I started this post because I used my hair to reflect who I thought I was as a person. My identity was tied so closely to it. Not as much anymore. I look how I look for me, not because I want to communicate my personality to others. I know who I am, and you’ll learn soon enough. I grew my hair out this past year, and then I chopped it. Ultimately, short hair is me. I’ve missed it, and I’m glad to be back. 

I’m excited for the future, but I don’t want to graduate. I’ve made a family in Maryland, and I’ll be leaving them in a year. But for once, people I love have already left, and moved on with their lives, and that’s okay. I’m going to grad school. I don’t know when or how or if it’ll be through the traditional path, but I’m gonna do it. 

I’m 22, starting grad school in 4 days! I’m officially moved into an apartment. It is a bit different from last year, as I’m living a millennial dream of having a one bedroom/no roommates. It’s not weird yet, but I’m sure it will be in time. I’m hoping to adopt a cat in the next few days. For now, I’m so excited to have my own space, and pretend that I can be an adult. I’m even farther from home, and COVID-19 is going to make travelling extra hard, but I think I’m up for the challenge. 

I graduated from Maryland with High honors in astronomy, and I’m suppose to be writing a manuscript right now but I’m taking a break to make this post. I’m super proud to be a first gen college student, to have graduated with high honors and a degree I was told not to pursue. I was the only student in my department who did a double major (everyone else did a double degree or graduated in 3 years). At first, I felt so out of place. And then I remember who I am, what I’ve been through in the past 22 years, and that I didn’t need or WANT that double degree to start with. 

Quarantine/Social Distancing/whatever you want to call it has allowed me to finally deal with most of the trauma I’ve been living with. I’ve been working daily to do better for myself, and to treat others better. I am grateful for a break, and a chance to slow down before graduate school. I truly feel ready for grad school now. 

I’ve mostly cut meat out of my diet, and I’m working to entirely cut it. I’m eating better, and this past year I played intramural sports with other astro majors and realized how much I missed sports. I’ve started skateboarding again, and I’m really glad that I have. I’m not the kid I was and the people in my life have changed, but I still love the wind in my face in the same ways. 

I miss the kids from summer camp. Some of them are starting college now, and I’m rooting for them. I miss Alabama and my friends from NASA. I’m going to try and see them before this school year is over. Sometimes I miss my high school and work friends, but I’m so far distant from who I was. I know that they’ve changed just as much as me, and I wonder if we could even be friends again.

This post started for me to celebrate how I looked, how much I had grown as an adult and as a person. To visualize the confidence I had gained. It has changed, as I (and my priorities) have. I’m confident in how I look. I’m confident in my abilities. I’ll keep making these posts and including pictures to celebrate how far I’ve come from that suicidal teenager in the first photo.

Things have changed, for the better and for the worst. My Nana doesn’t remember me, and shes not doing well. My parents have been having issues since my mom moved in with my Nana to take care of her. My sister and her boyfriend broke up when I was confident they were a permanent thing. My best friend spent a month in the hospital and I wasn’t even there for her. My dad lost 2 siblings in 2 months. 

I was aggressively reminded of the vulnerability and mortality of my friends and family this past year, and I was reminded of the importance of communicating love efficiently to people. My lack of empathy and concern prevented me from seeing the danger in situations, and I could’ve lessened the pain for my friends if I had reacted stronger. I know that for the future, and its a lesson I won’t forget.

Life is complicated, and hard. Getting up in the morning can be hard but it means I get to live another day. I might try to do my PhD in 4 years instead of 5 years so that I can have a chance to be closer to my parents for an extra year. 

There’s a lot on my plate, but I’m ready to tackle it. 

I’m going into my SECOND year of GRAD school!! Quals are coming up in September but I’m not worried. To be honest, grad school is a lot easier than undergrad. Maybe I’m not doing enough, or maybe undergrad just sucked. 

I love Indiana. I love waking up in the morning to the light pouring in my bedroom window and I love falling asleep looking at stars out my window. Living downtown but being a 15 minute drive from the corn is the closest I’ve felt to home since I left. I’d rather it be the forest, or there be any form of topography, but I’ll take what I can get. My advisors are incredible, and I’ve made some really great friends out here. 

With every friendship comes drama and pain though. Vince says I love people easily, and maybe too hard. I take things personally and I push people away so I won’t keep getting hurt. It’s easier to leave. I’m working on sticking around, calling more, keeping in touch. 

Today would be my grampy’s 100th birthday if he had lived. I got a tattoo of a robin and five quaker ladies for him in March of this year. My parents don’t love it but nothing bad happened. I hid it from them when I went home in April for my nana’s funeral. I accepted her loss years ago when she forgot who I was. It’s still hard.

My sister & I got matching tattoos last week. Handwritten (by Soupy!) lyrics on our arms. I am starting to look like the person I always dreamed about being. My life is turning into what I dreamed about. I am unashamed at being childish and easily excited by life and science and space. I love all of my friends with my heart and I still hold on dearly to the people I have left or lost. 

Oh, and her name is Boots. She’s my favorite thing in the world. 

so uh, throwback thursday

Its been a year and 7 months and every time I post one of these I realized that the last time, I didn’t even know what loving myself meant. I can’t wait to see what life is like a year from now.

In just under two years, I cut my bangs, went through my first relationship, learned to depend on myself when you realized that you deserved better than me, got drunk and then learned the difference between drinking and having fun and drinking to feel okay, started skateboarding, realized college is so much better than i thought it would be, finally started to believe my dad when he said “i love you” , joined a sorority and started feeling at home 500 miles from the only place I’ve ever lived. 

I may not be sure about where to call home, or how long my friendships will last, or what I want to research, or how to define myself. But that’s okay. I find something to love about every day no matter how small. I am sappy and I fall in love easily and I am needy and I listen to shitty music and I am happy. In the first photo I was 14 and wasn’t sure if the next four years were worth living. Today, I can’t see myself at 19 because I can’t imagine life being better than it is in this moment but I know that it will be.  

Things that have changed: I got bad again, got dumped, went to therapy, got good again, realized I can’t handle college and a relationship, cut out toxic and negative people from my life, and started being my honest and true self, and got research. I’m not fully there yet, since I still got to tell my parents about all the “bad” parts of me, and I still have to come out to them, but for now, its good enough. 

I make up excused to call my dad, just so he knows I miss him I went home this summer because I thought I was going to lose my nana, but shes doing fantastic still. So in june, I got a job at a summer camp, where I stayed on week nights. It was a good middle ground between being at home during the summer, and next summer, when I’ll go away for a research internship. I realized that I love education, and i met people who changed me, and helped me grow in ways that I cant even begin to explain. 

I’m 20, 19 was great despite everything. I have dreams, and I’m getting there, and one day, I’ll have my PhD in astronomy or planetary science, and ill get to do research and teach. 

The first photo set I posted was because I realized that I was truly getting better, and I liked how I looked, and my life at large, so much more over just one year. I add to it every year, although I always mean to do it in august and rarely actually do. I’m gonna keep adding to this post, because I like to look back and see how I felt about life, and how i had grown. this post, this blog, this person that i am, is not for anyone else, its just for me. 

My hair is getting long again, and i’ve decided that i really like having bangs, and just like that girl in turf told me, i can rock bangs. I dont need them to hid my forehead (still hate it), or to hid myself behind. i just like how they look. and right now, i like how long hair looks, so i’m gonna keep it long. for a while, i related how short my hair was to being happy and carefree. maybe its true, since i am much less carefree now then i was my senior year of high school, but i think thats just growing up, and focusing on my future. 

Most importantly, I realized that I can’t change how people act or see the world in one day or one conversation. It takes so much time to learn new behaviors, but sometimes one thing you say to someone can effect them down the line. This also applies to myself. I can tell myself I want to be happy, but I have to consciously work towards it, always, and I’ll get there one day.

I’m 21, going into my senior year, and I just moved from Alabama back to Mass, and I’m about to move into my first real place in a week down in Maryland. Moving isn’t hard anymore, being anywhere but Maryland is whats hard. Last summer taught me how to trust and love people again, and this summer taught me to trust and love myself. 

What was I doing in Alabama? Just living the dream of my 14 year old self. I interned at NASA Marshall in the Meteoroid Environment Office. I loved it, but I’m happy with my 10 weeks there. I know now that I have a future in astronomy, that I can do this, and that I am smart enough to be here. Life’s too short to worry about whether I was mistakenly admitted to UMD or NASA. I wasn’t, You weren’t. Impostor syndrome is just that, your brain lying to you. You belong here.

I’m getting better about sticking to taking my vitamin d, and I’m trying to eat better and exercise. My mental health hasn’t been amazing, but every day I work to do better. I’ve realized why I love academia, and its because I don’t know what to do in my free time. So this summer, I picked up two hobbies; hiking and painting. I’m going to put in more effort to have time for myself in the future. 

I don’t use this blog for anything but myself to look back at. I started this post because I used my hair to reflect who I thought I was as a person. My identity was tied so closely to it. Not as much anymore. I look how I look for me, not because I want to communicate my personality to others. I know who I am, and you’ll learn soon enough. I grew my hair out this past year, and then I chopped it. Ultimately, short hair is me. I’ve missed it, and I’m glad to be back. 

I’m excited for the future, but I don’t want to graduate. I’ve made a family in Maryland, and I’ll be leaving them in a year. But for once, people I love have already left, and moved on with their lives, and that’s okay. I’m going to grad school. I don’t know when or how or if it’ll be through the traditional path, but I’m gonna do it. 

I’m 22, starting grad school in 4 days! I’m officially moved into an apartment. It is a bit different from last year, as I’m living a millennial dream of having a one bedroom/no roommates. It’s not weird yet, but I’m sure it will be in time. I’m hoping to adopt a cat in the next few days. For now, I’m so excited to have my own space, and pretend that I can be an adult. I’m even farther from home, and COVID-19 is going to make travelling extra hard, but I think I’m up for the challenge. 

I graduated from Maryland with High honors in astronomy, and I’m suppose to be writing a manuscript right now but I’m taking a break to make this post. I’m super proud to be a first gen college student, to have graduated with high honors and a degree I was told not to pursue. I was the only student in my department who did a double major (everyone else did a double degree or graduated in 3 years). At first, I felt so out of place. And then I remember who I am, what I’ve been through in the past 22 years, and that I didn’t need or WANT that double degree to start with. 

Quarantine/Social Distancing/whatever you want to call it has allowed me to finally deal with most of the trauma I’ve been living with. I’ve been working daily to do better for myself, and to treat others better. I am grateful for a break, and a chance to slow down before graduate school. I truly feel ready for grad school now. 

I’ve mostly cut meat out of my diet, and I’m working to entirely cut it. I’m eating better, and this past year I played intramural sports with other astro majors and realized how much I missed sports. I’ve started skateboarding again, and I’m really glad that I have. I’m not the kid I was and the people in my life have changed, but I still love the wind in my face in the same ways. 

I miss the kids from summer camp. Some of them are starting college now, and I’m rooting for them. I miss Alabama and my friends from NASA. I’m going to try and see them before this school year is over. Sometimes I miss my high school and work friends, but I’m so far distant from who I was. I know that they’ve changed just as much as me, and I wonder if we could even be friends again.

This post started for me to celebrate how I looked, how much I had grown as an adult and as a person. To visualize the confidence I had gained. It has changed, as I (and my priorities) have. I’m confident in how I look. I’m confident in my abilities. I’ll keep making these posts and including pictures to celebrate how far I’ve come from that suicidal teenager in the first photo.

Things have changed, for the better and for the worst. My Nana doesn’t remember me, and shes not doing well. My parents have been having issues since my mom moved in with my Nana to take care of her. My sister and her boyfriend broke up when I was confident they were a permanent thing. My best friend spent a month in the hospital and I wasn’t even there for her. My dad lost 2 siblings in 2 months. 

I was aggressively reminded of the vulnerability and mortality of my friends and family this past year, and I was reminded of the importance of communicating love efficiently to people. My lack of empathy and concern prevented me from seeing the danger in situations, and I could’ve lessened the pain for my friends if I had reacted stronger. I know that for the future, and its a lesson I won’t forget.

Life is complicated, and hard. Getting up in the morning can be hard but it means I get to live another day. I might try to do my PhD in 4 years instead of 5 years so that I can have a chance to be closer to my parents for an extra year. 

There’s a lot on my plate, but I’m ready to tackle it. 

so uh, throwback thursday

Its been a year and 7 months and every time I post one of these I realized that the last time, I didn’t even know what loving myself meant. I can’t wait to see what life is like a year from now.

In just under two years, I cut my bangs, went through my first relationship, learned to depend on myself when you realized that you deserved better than me, got drunk and then learned the difference between drinking and having fun and drinking to feel okay, started skateboarding, realized college is so much better than i thought it would be, finally started to believe my dad when he said “i love you” , joined a sorority and started feeling at home 500 miles from the only place I’ve ever lived. 

I may not be sure about where to call home, or how long my friendships will last, or what I want to research, or how to define myself. But that’s okay. I find something to love about every day no matter how small. I am sappy and I fall in love easily and I am needy and I listen to shitty music and I am happy. In the first photo I was 14 and wasn’t sure if the next four years were worth living. Today, I can’t see myself at 19 because I can’t imagine life being better than it is in this moment but I know that it will be.  

Things that have changed: I got bad again, got dumped, went to therapy, got good again, realized I can’t handle college and a relationship, cut out toxic and negative people from my life, and started being my honest and true self, and got research. I’m not fully there yet, since I still got to tell my parents about all the “bad” parts of me, and I still have to come out to them, but for now, its good enough. 

I make up excused to call my dad, just so he knows I miss him I went home this summer because I thought I was going to lose my nana, but shes doing fantastic still. So in june, I got a job at a summer camp, where I stayed on week nights. It was a good middle ground between being at home during the summer, and next summer, when I’ll go away for a research internship. I realized that I love education, and i met people who changed me, and helped me grow in ways that I cant even begin to explain. 

I’m 20, 19 was great despite everything. I have dreams, and I’m getting there, and one day, I’ll have my PhD in astronomy or planetary science, and ill get to do research and teach. 

The first photo set I posted was because I realized that I was truly getting better, and I liked how I looked, and my life at large, so much more over just one year. I add to it every year, although I always mean to do it in august and rarely actually do. I’m gonna keep adding to this post, because I like to look back and see how I felt about life, and how i had grown. this post, this blog, this person that i am, is not for anyone else, its just for me. 

My hair is getting long again, and i’ve decided that i really like having bangs, and just like that girl in turf told me, i can rock bangs. I dont need them to hid my forehead (still hate it), or to hid myself behind. i just like how they look. and right now, i like how long hair looks, so i’m gonna keep it long. for a while, i related how short my hair was to being happy and carefree. maybe its true, since i am much less carefree now then i was my senior year of high school, but i think thats just growing up, and focusing on my future. 

Most importantly, I realized that I can’t change how people act or see the world in one day or one conversation. It takes so much time to learn new behaviors, but sometimes one thing you say to someone can effect them down the line. This also applies to myself. I can tell myself I want to be happy, but I have to consciously work towards it, always, and I’ll get there one day.

I’m 21, going into my senior year, and I just moved from Alabama back to Mass, and I’m about to move into my first real place in a week down in Maryland. Moving isn’t hard anymore, being anywhere but Maryland is whats hard. Last summer taught me how to trust and love people again, and this summer taught me to trust and love myself. 

What was I doing in Alabama? Just living the dream of my 14 year old self. I interned at NASA Marshall in the Meteoroid Environment Office. I loved it, but I’m happy with my 10 weeks there. I know now that I have a future in astronomy, that I can do this, and that I am smart enough to be here. Life’s too short to worry about whether I was mistakenly admitted to UMD or NASA. I wasn’t, You weren’t. Impostor syndrome is just that, your brain lying to you. You belong here.

I’m getting better about sticking to taking my vitamin d, and I’m trying to eat better and exercise. My mental health hasn’t been amazing, but every day I work to do better. I’ve realized why I love academia, and its because I don’t know what to do in my free time. So this summer, I picked up two hobbies; hiking and painting. I’m going to put in more effort to have time for myself in the future. 

I don’t use this blog for anything but myself to look back at. I started this post because I used my hair to reflect who I thought I was as a person. My identity was tied so closely to it. Not as much anymore. I look how I look for me, not because I want to communicate my personality to others. I know who I am, and you’ll learn soon enough. I grew my hair out this past year, and then I chopped it. Ultimately, short hair is me. I’ve missed it, and I’m glad to be back. 

I’m excited for the future, but I don’t want to graduate. I’ve made a family in Maryland, and I’ll be leaving them in a year. But for once, people I love have already left, and moved on with their lives, and that’s okay. I’m going to grad school. I don’t know when or how or if it’ll be through the traditional path, but I’m gonna do it. 

so uh, throwback thursday

Its been a year and 7 months and every time I post one of these I realized that the last time, I didn’t even know what loving myself meant. I can’t wait to see what life is like a year from now.

In just under two years, I cut my bangs, went through my first relationship, learned to depend on myself when you realized that you deserved better than me, got drunk and then learned the difference between drinking and having fun and drinking to feel okay, started skateboarding, realized college is so much better than i thought it would be, finally started to believe my dad when he said “i love you” , joined a sorority and started feeling at home 500 miles from the only place I’ve ever lived. 

I may not be sure about where to call home, or how long my friendships will last, or what I want to research, or how to define myself. But that’s okay. I find something to love about every day no matter how small. I am sappy and I fall in love easily and I am needy and I listen to shitty music and I am happy. In the first photo I was 14 and wasn’t sure if the next four years were worth living. Today, I can’t see myself at 19 because I can’t imagine life being better than it is in this moment but I know that it will be.  

Things that have changed: I got bad again, got dumped, went to therapy, got good again, realized I can’t handle college and a relationship, cut out toxic and negative people from my life, and started being my honest and true self, and got research. I’m not fully there yet, since I still got to tell my parents about all the “bad” parts of me, and I still have to come out to them, but for now, its good enough. 

I make up excused to call my dad, just so he knows I miss him I went home this summer because I thought I was going to lose my nana, but shes doing fantastic still. So in june, I got a job at a summer camp, where I stayed on week nights. It was a good middle ground between being at home during the summer, and next summer, when I’ll go away for a research internship. I realized that I love education, and i met people who changed me, and helped me grow in ways that I cant even begin to explain. 

I’m 20, 19 was great despite everything. I have dreams, and I’m getting there, and one day, I’ll have my PhD in astronomy or planetary science, and ill get to do research and teach. 

The first photo set I posted was because I realized that I was truly getting better, and I liked how I looked, and my life at large, so much more over just one year. I add to it every year, although I always mean to do it in august and rarely actually do. I’m gonna keep adding to this post, because I like to look back and see how I felt about life, and how i had grown. this post, this blog, this person that i am, is not for anyone else, its just for me. 

My hair is getting long again, and i’ve decided that i really like having bangs, and just like that girl in turf told me, i can rock bangs. I dont need them to hid my forehead (still hate it), or to hid myself behind. i just like how they look. and right now, i like how long hair looks, so i’m gonna keep it long. for a while, i related how short my hair was to being happy and carefree. maybe its true, since i am much less carefree now then i was my senior year of high school, but i think thats just growing up, and focusing on my future. 

Most importantly, I realized that I can’t change how people act or see the world in one day or one conversation. It takes so much time to learn new behaviors, but sometimes one thing you say to someone can effect them down the line. This also applies to myself. I can tell myself I want to be happy, but I have to consciously work towards it, always, and I’ll get there one day.