《Metaphørical》★Whøre★

When you only got 4 hours of daylight today and spent half those hours in bed with your curtain closed and the other half in bed with your curtain open,, and now its dead dark out your window and you dont want to get up to close the curtain because that would be accepting that it's night already and you have done literally nothing the last two days but somehow don't feel like you are depression fueled bed rotting because you lowkey do feel that silly little buzzing feeling you got last few times you went 'up'.

But like you also know you are sitting at a "let yourself lean backwards and fall back down or push on forwards and keep going up" type of decision making situation-

Lowkey have no idea which way to go cuz like.. if i just lay here and let depression pull me down i will get to be comfortable and sad but i also know i absolutely cannot fucking do that because my life now literally requires me to not have a depressive episode the way my depression makes them episodes... and like if i just get up and smile and lock in and use the buzzing to fuel me and let it grow to what MIGHT be hypomania then i get to feel awesome and productive and good and high energy and euphoric and on top of things but.. i also know i probably shouldn't do that because the last times i got like that it only ended in a huge crash.. and i can't risk the level of ruin a crash like that would do to my life.