locked windows

I wanted to tell you that I think that most aircraft pilots and firefighters would say you’re the one with the valiant heart. Boys like you loving girls like me after your heart’s been ripped out of your chest so many times you’re not sure if it will ever fit back in; that’s a real act of courage. 

I wanted to tell you how I felt but my mouth couldn’t form the words. I thought you would get up and leave but you pulled me closer and whispered “I love you, too” into my ear. 

I wanted to tell you that I want to love you like no one has before, but that’s a lie. I want to love you exactly how everyone has before

I have crumpled up pieces of paper in the back pocket of those jeans I wore holes in, they're littered with the names of boys who wore holes in my heart.

He asked me why I kept on bleeding for eyes that never blinked for me. I didn't know how to tell him it wasn't a choice. I stood on broken glass for boys who left at 2 am. I scratched holes in my arms for lips that burned my skin like the cigarettes that filled our lungs and the empty space between us. I gave pieces of myself to hands that couldn't hold me and he wonders why I flinch when he tells me "this time it's different".

I have crumpled up pieces of our clothing laying on the floor at the foot of my bed, and his fingers wear holes in the shape of hearts up and down my arms as I fall asleep.

"I feel so alone" I typed and you promised I wasn't. Your cliche encouragements burn holes in my skull and I don't know how to tell you that it won't be okay.

Most days I feel like I'm drowning. It's a constant struggle just to keep myself above water. I'm waging a physical and mental war on my own body just to tell myself to keep breathing and still my mom tells me to "smile more". 

I hope you never know what it's like to be here, but, god, I wish you'd understand. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is cry, because, dammit, it's another day and I just don't think I can do it anymore. I've hated myself, I've punished myself for so long that I forgot what it feels like to be loved. I forgot what it feels like to live in a world where someone says "I'm proud of you" "I appreciate you" "My life is better because you're in it."

I've spent a lot of time writing about you, countless hours romanticizing the way your hands made their way through your morning curls. You inspired me to write and you made me into my "best self" and I'll never not miss that. I'm sorry we lost a lot of things. I'm sorry that we emotionally destroyed each other until there was no choice but to walk away. I'm sorry that I acted like it was a game when all I ever wanted was for you to make me feel like it wasn't. I'm sorry that I can't listen to my favorite band without feeling your phantom fingers drumming along on my thigh.

I wish I loved you in another time. I wish I loved you in another world where my self deprecating didn't turn from "cute" to "suffocating", and where your anxiety didn't feel like chains on my wrists. I wish I loved you when we were more mature and used words as medicine instead of weapons.

If there's something I'm sure of it's the fact after we walk across that stage I'll never see you again. Most days I'm okay with that. I wonder if you feel anything when our eyes accidentally meet, because it still feels like a small earthquake in my chest every time.

Most days I'm not sad about you. I see you in love with someone else and it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I feel happy for you, I've felt happy for you for a while now. I hope that flowers line all your paths and you find nothing but happiness upon happiness in everything you do. But I've always wanted that for you. I wanted that for you when you left me crying in my bed in the middle of the night and when you knocked on my door for what we both knew would be the last time. I didn't then, but I want those things for myself, now, too. I wish only that you could see me like this. I know that being with you was not the right thing for either of our paths for these past two years, but I want you to know how much I've grown. I've mended so many parts of myself that had been broken for so long, in spite of knowing that these were the parts of me you loved. I can't apologize for turning into someone happier, even if turning into that person pushed you away.

Simply knowing "the cycle" exists does not mean I can just break it.

Even when you don't want to.

When it rains it doesn't always pour.