SIZE OF A BARN

change pronouns and adjust as needed.

you will be so much more than that.

demons have always haunted our world.

that duty falls to you.

that victory is within your reach.

that's not even a real number.

there's no water in these.

how can you be late?

i didn't even get to finish my ramyeon!

why do they always interrupt our snacking?

they will face my wrath!

now you gotta die.

ugh, you came at a bad time.

you just crossed the line.

i understand you are weak.

and you dare to mock me with it?

i'm not here to mock you.

i'm here to help you.

it's time for a new strategy.

what makes you think that could work?

you've never done a single thing that didn't serve yourself.

that was weird.

we already have plans.

i can't wait to eat kimbap and stare at the ceiling.

sounds super boring. i'm so down.

we literally just sat down.

i can handle this. i'm not having a nervous breakdown.

you always say no.

you sound exactly like her.

no. we gotta hide and fix it.

earthy and herby. smells legit to me.

hurry, before someone sees us.

in order to heal a part, we must understand the whole.

you have a lot of walls up.

watch yourself.

they're not even that cute.

i'm gonna throw up.

no, it's too public.

don't eat that!

let's go kill these guys.

hard to say goodbye when we're having fun.

make it stop.

wow. did you really follow us here?

we're not here to fight.

whoa! mind the face.

surprisingly, your plan is working.

it's a lot more serious than i thought.

is that bird wearing a tiny hat?

wow, i wasn't expecting a hug, but ...

i thought the mannequin was gonna be a fun icebreaker. but i see i was wrong.

hey! i just wanna talk.

but first, i wanna talk about those pants.

you were supposed to be dead.

i could've told your friends what you are.

that's none of your business.

i know what it feels like to have them.

is that what you think?

you're not good enough for them.

you know you can tell me. i'll understand.

i'm nothing like you.

denial. i get it.

i'll be here when you're done pretending.

there won't be a next time.

are you a prisoner too?

thanks for having my back.

we keep meeting like this.

i didn't think you liked sharing.

should i tell them?

i'm gonna tell them. eventually.

are you whispering?

your secret's safe with me.

i'm helping myself.

i'm pretty good at reading people. actually, i'm kind of an expert at it.

i just can't shake this feeling that you're keeping something from me.

i'm not keeping anything rom you.

sorry, i sound nuts.

yeah. eternal suffering. sounds fun.

you made me come all the way out here so you could jumpscare me?

i'm glad you'er finally ready to talk.

you could've picked somewhere nicer for a date.

you're so old.

this is strictly a business meeting.

i am a mistake. have been since the moment i was born.

excuse me? i'm everyone's type.

i see why you're single.

see? we'd never work.

go find yourself a better boy.

this one's hopeless.

that's the funny thing about hope. nobody else gets to decide if you feel it. that choice belongs to you.

for what it's worth, i don't think you're a mistake.

i just want you to know i'm here for literally anything you need.

seriously, what is your problem?

not everything is about your insecurities, [name]!

what's with the long faces?

you killed your family.

don't forget about our deal, [name].

i'm kind of a difficult person.

something's wrong.

i knew it was too good to be true.

don't leave!

say you didn't do this. how could you do this?

it was all a lie.

it was real! what we had was real. i know it was.

i just needed you to trust me. that's all.

that's right, i lied to you.

i thought i could fix it all.

thi sis what i am.

why can't you look at me?

why couldn't you love me?

you come here like this?

you can't even fix yourself.

i'm sorry for everything.

i wanted to set you free.

you gave me my soul back.

this feels amazing.

see what you've been missing?

i'm so happy you didn't, like, die.

wow, [name], way to be super literal.

change pronouns and adjust as needed.

you will be so much more than that.

demons have always haunted our world.

that duty falls to you.

that victory is within your reach.

that's not even a real number.

there's no water in these.

how can you be late?

i didn't even get to finish my ramyeon!

why do they always interrupt our snacking?

they will face my wrath!

now you gotta die.

ugh, you came at a bad time.

you just crossed the line.

i understand you are weak.

and you dare to mock me with it?

i'm not here to mock you.

i'm here to help you.

it's time for a new strategy.

what makes you think that could work?

you've never done a single thing that didn't serve yourself.

that was weird.

we already have plans.

i can't wait to eat kimbap and stare at the ceiling.

sounds super boring. i'm so down.

we literally just sat down.

i can handle this. i'm not having a nervous breakdown.

you always say no.

you sound exactly like her.

no. we gotta hide and fix it.

earthy and herby. smells legit to me.

hurry, before someone sees us.

in order to heal a part, we must understand the whole.

you have a lot of walls up.

watch yourself.

they're not even that cute.

i'm gonna throw up.

no, it's too public.

don't eat that!

let's go kill these guys.

hard to say goodbye when we're having fun.

make it stop.

wow. did you really follow us here?

we're not here to fight.

whoa! mind the face.

surprisingly, your plan is working.

it's a lot more serious than i thought.

is that bird wearing a tiny hat?

wow, i wasn't expecting a hug, but ...

i thought the mannequin was gonna be a fun icebreaker. but i see i was wrong.

hey! i just wanna talk.

but first, i wanna talk about those pants.

you were supposed to be dead.

i could've told your friends what you are.

that's none of your business.

i know what it feels like to have them.

is that what you think?

you're not good enough for them.

you know you can tell me. i'll understand.

i'm nothing like you.

denial. i get it.

i'll be here when you're done pretending.

there won't be a next time.

are you a prisoner too?

thanks for having my back.

we keep meeting like this.

i didn't think you liked sharing.

should i tell them?

i'm gonna tell them. eventually.

are you whispering?

your secret's safe with me.

i'm helping myself.

i'm pretty good at reading people. actually, i'm kind of an expert at it.

i just can't shake this feeling that you're keeping something from me.

i'm not keeping anything rom you.

sorry, i sound nuts.

yeah. eternal suffering. sounds fun.

you made me come all the way out here so you could jumpscare me?

i'm glad you'er finally ready to talk.

you could've picked somewhere nicer for a date.

you're so old.

this is strictly a business meeting.

i am a mistake. have been since the moment i was born.

excuse me? i'm everyone's type.

i see why you're single.

see? we'd never work.

go find yourself a better boy.

this one's hopeless.

that's the funny thing about hope. nobody else gets to decide if you feel it. that choice belongs to you.

for what it's worth, i don't think you're a mistake.

i just want you to know i'm here for literally anything you need.

seriously, what is your problem?

not everything is about your insecurities, [name]!

what's with the long faces?

you killed your family.

don't forget about our deal, [name].

i'm kind of a difficult person.

something's wrong.

i knew it was too good to be true.

don't leave!

say you didn't do this. how could you do this?

it was all a lie.

it was real! what we had was real. i know it was.

i just needed you to trust me. that's all.

that's right, i lied to you.

i thought i could fix it all.

thi sis what i am.

why can't you look at me?

why couldn't you love me?

you come here like this?

you can't even fix yourself.

i'm sorry for everything.

i wanted to set you free.

you gave me my soul back.

this feels amazing.

see what you've been missing?

i'm so happy you didn't, like, die.

wow, [name], way to be super literal.

No one loves Gaston as much as... well...

Send 👌 if you would like to explore a PLATONIC relationship between our muses!

Send 😎 if you would like to explore a FAMILIAL relationship between our muses!

Send ❤️ if you would like to explore a ROMANTIC relationship between our muses!

Send 💋 if you would like to explore a SEXUAL relationship between our muses!

Send 💥 if you would like to explore a ANTAGONISTIC relationship between our muses!

part one: january - march apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"If I woke up tomorrow and I was 13 again, it would be over for me."

"That guy's a fucking bozo."

"Why do you know what happens when you cut a bird's head off?"

"I don't care! I hate his guts! ...However, I would still very much fall for it."

"I have chronic autism."

"I keep enough change in my asshole that I jingle."

"Oh my god, I wanna be an oil puddle soooo bad."

"So, I cut off my ass, and sold it to Joann Fabric."

"What if my muscles get too relaxed and my uterus falls out?"

"There's not an agitator in this washing machine, but there is an agitator in me."

"Your Honor, no shit!"

"WHO FILLED MY HOLE?"

"All I do is deal with dumbasses."

"How 'bout you bid deez nuts?"

"I'd sauté that pickle."

"Why'd you emote at me?"

"I'm turning into Mussolini and I'm not even fully sure who that is."

"No! I've never hawk-tuah'd on my inhaler!"

"I bet she failed Breathing 101."

"It's like... I'm vibing, right? But the vibrator is broken. Y'know?"

"Oh, that is NOT Biggie Cheese."

"What do you MEAN, I have a small grabbable waist?"

"I SAID I EAT ASS! I WINKED AT YOU! YOU DIDN'T RESPOND!"

"Fish stay under the water, I think."

"Dudes are mounting each other, and I'm here for it."

"Tomorrow is the day my penis starts bleeding for a week."

"Yeah, man. Sure. Whatever fucks your butt, I guess."

"Let me in, I have my rights! Me and the bugs outnumber you!"

"I would get a cybernetic dick immediately."

"If anything, you're a power bottom."

"Just put it in my trunk raw."

"We can go to Barnes and Noble and eat a book."

"I GOT your four basic food groups! Butter, Kraft singles, milk, and Verners!"

"I know he needs to go at a speed, but fuck."

"I DON'T WANT MY COCK TO FIZZ!"

"I think we should replace testicles with squeaky toys."

"I've replaced my bong water with Coca Cola."

"Imagine gooning in a self driving bus."

"Where is the tit on the almond?"

"Can you describe your coworkers in three words, without using slurs?"

"I'm so excited. I'm gonna look like a chicken."

"We can't skip the Beegees. We can only prolong the inevitable."

quotes from the 1975 Monty Python and the Holy Grail film. feel free to switch around pronouns, diction, and the like to make them more suitable for your muse.

❝ Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ❞

❝ Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. ❞

❝ What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ❞

❝ What makes you think she's a witch? ❞

❝ 'Tis but a scratch! ❞

❝ I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! ❞

❝ Oh, stop bitching and let’s go have tea. ❞

❝ Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! ❞

❝ You stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave. ❞

❝ You’re not going to do a song while I’m here. ❞

❝ What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! ❞

❝ Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.❞

❝ Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. ❞

❝ We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. ❞

❝ It's just a flesh wound. ❞

❝ Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ❞

❝ In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? ❞

❝ Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?❞

❝ Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed! ❞

❝ Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. ❞

❝ Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer! ❞

❝ We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni. ❞

❝ It's only a model! ❞

❝ Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. ❞

❝ Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see. ❞

❝ On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. ❞

❝ Bring out yer dead. ❞

❝ I'm not dead. I'm getting better. ❞

❝ You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do? ❞

❝ Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you. ❞

❝ You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest… WITH… A HERRING! ❞

❝ Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. ❞

❝ What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?❞

❝ I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot. ❞

❝ You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? ❞

❝ I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge. ❞

❝ Now, stand aside, worthy adversary! ❞

❝ Is there someone else up there we can talk to? ❞

❝ No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time! ❞

❝ Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it… and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth… ❞

❝ Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it. ❞

❝ I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! ❞

❝ Get on with it! ❞

❝ Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. ❞

So I apologize for this OOC rant out of nowhere but I watched through Beauty and the Beast and I realized something. Gaston is actually so incredibly brilliant, it’s terrifying. Wait, you say, seriously? Gaston? This Gaston?

Yes, hear me out. On the surface of the smart-girl-dumb-boy narrative, he’s the obvious brainless hunk. But if you step back and look at it, Gaston’s pretty damn clever.

For starters, he’s a massively successful entrepreneur.  He owns the pub his titular musical number takes place in, and that pub is obviously very successful. I’d even go so far as to call it the cultural center of the town. On top of that he’s clearly a skilled enough hunter to use antlers in all of his decorating, and later shows that his tracking skills are anything but superficial, but more on that later.

Another really big indicator is how impressive his vocabulary is. “Expectorating” anyone? At one point during the Mob Song he says the words “Screw your courage to the sticking place.” That’s right. Gaston is quoting Macbeth.

On that same note, when he asks her “How can you read this, there’s no pictures!” Who’s to say he doesn’t mean “How can YOU read this without the aid of pictures, you sheltered little dumbass?”

Moving on, he’s a master manipulator, strategist, and leader. Anyone who’s ever been in charge of anything knows it takes intellect to whip a crowd into a fear-frenzy and bend them to your every word. And Gaston does it marvelously. Watch his face as he stalks around making sure the right message is getting around. He’s conniving as all get out.

Then you get to the actual execution of his plan. In his last hours he demonstrates damn brilliant tracking, strategy, and military leadership. Not to mention, he actually manages to fully strike his much larger, superhuman enemy down in single combat. Not many villains can boast that claim. So yeah. Gaston is damn smart.

Fucking amazing hand-eye coordination too.