언제부턴가 난 하늘 보다 땅을 더 바라보게 돼

i’ve been...interesting. life has been all over the place but also holding still in the exact same place and i feel like nothing has happened but so much has happened. i’m kind of stuck in the middle..of everything and nothing all at once. i got a promotion at my job and we were super busy over the holiday season so i haven’t had time to sit down and write. my depression has sort of had it’s ups and downs also, that just creates more of a hindrance for my writing.

the decline of my current mental health started around december 18th, i’m sure you’re well aware of what that day was and if you’re not, i’ll inform you. that was the day that jonghyun of shinee took his own life, that was the day that i lost an idol, someone who meant a great deal to me, someone who i had connected with on such an inexplicable level. i lost him and as selfish as it is of me to say, it hurt so much. it hurt more than my grandmother passing and the fact that expressing my pain resulted in my family shaming me, it hurt even more than it should have.

it was around that time that my mood swings went from bad to worse and they haven’t gotten much better. an example: the other day i was getting ready for work and i was just so..happy, i felt so lighthearted and cheery and i was excited to work and excited to come home and i was excited for the future and just...everything. so i went to work and it was a good day at work and as soon as i got off, i got home and that was when i just felt this huge crushing weight. it just hit me like a brick and i lost all motivation and i was holding back tears that i had no reason to shed and i was miserable. i felt impossibly alone and it just felt like everyone had forgotten about me. only one of my friends would actually talk to me and that made it so much worse, it felt like people were avoiding me. idk if you’re familiar with this feeling, but sometimes when my depression is bad and i convince myself that people hate me, then i get this creepy feeling that i’m being watched and i keep looking over my shoulder, expecting to see people pointing and laughing or scowling at me. it’s odd.

but all of this to say that i haven’t been writing. i’ve only just now sat down to write, and i managed to get a paragraph or two for the first time in three weeks and it feels..good i guess?

also i’ve finally managed to save up enough money to move, which will be in april. my family knows i’m moving, but they don’t acknowledge it, they pretend like i’ll be at home forever, cleaning up after them, and doing whatever they want. i just hope they’ll realize that they don’t have a lot of months left of me being at home and i hope i can actually spend time with them before i say goodbye. obviously i’ll visit, but it’ll be expensive and i doubt they’ll be willing to come visit me, as it’ll be too long of a drive for them. *sigh* it’s just a matter of time, but i’m prepared to put in the effort that they won’t, i have to i guess.

i’ve been having a lot of mood swings recently. i go from being happy and dancing in the kitchen to gfriend, to achingly sad to the point where i physically feel crushed. it’s kind of funny sometimes, but then instead of laughing i feel myself just staring at a wall. the urge to c*t has been creeping back in and i can feel it, but i dont want to do that again. i dont want to disappoint the people who’ve told me that they want me to be better.

i had a close friend until recently. we were close for almost a year, but...idk one day she stopped replying to me and when i dared to text her and ask if i had annoyed her, she said she was on vacation, didnt have data and would be back the next morning. despite not having data she’d been on tumblr consistently the entire time and she hasn’t contacted me since then. that was two weeks ago and i’ve never felt so alone...

you go from talking to someone every day for a year to suddenly not. i guess she got bored of me, or annoyed. i still dont even know.

but that was sort of where it started. i was doing relatively fine before then, until that happened and now my depression has come back in crashing waves and im starting to feel really lost.

on the other hand, i’ve recently gotten the desire to fall in love. i dont know where it started, but it came into my head a few weeks ago that i have never once been in love. i have had a small crush once before but that was it. that’s all i’ve ever had and i wonder if it’s because my standards are too high or just because im a shitty human. i cant even human properly.

arent humans supposed to fall in love? isn’t that like...their one “big” flaw? whatever it is, it hasnt worked for me so far. i feel pain from everything else, why cant i feel pain from love? sometimes i wondered if i was aromantic, but aro’s arent this desperate to love...are they?

anyways, i have a friend that i want to fall in love with. like...i want to. i might even, but only time will tell. the japanese have a phrase for it actually, you might recognize it from the title of one of my fics -  koi no yokan (恋の予感) (n.) "premonition of love"; the sense one can have upon first meeting another person that the two of them are going to fall in love, an unspoken feeling that you are about to fall in love.

please excuse my languid use of the copy-paste.

but yes, it feels like that.