Noetato

So far, this pregnancy has got me on my toes. I'm so scared to mess this up. For my body to fail my baby again. Here is how my mind went for each ultrasounds so far :

7 weeks ultrasound : "Please show a beating heart..." Beautiful sound to ever hear and see!

10 weeks ultrasound: "Please still show a healthy growing baby and beating heart..." The cutest wiggly baby everrr!! (This scan was the most scariest scan for me because around week 11 of previous pregnancy (4 years ago), we found out our baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and no heartbeat...)

The doctor recommended taking baby asprin. Just for precaution.

(Pending 20-week anatomy scan) I am nervous and a little scared. I'm trying to be positive!

Casket for my little one 💕 - made by mommy

Many things have happened in 2020. I wish I could count blessings more than terrible times. I didn't mind being broke, having Covid or making rushed decisions that were not good. I was completely fine because I had Solin and Zidane with me through everything and that they are healthy.

Then came a moment of pure happiness and excitement for my little family... Zidane was going to be a big brother! He wanted to be a big brother for years, but I could not conceive one through those precious years. So I gave up... until October 9th, 2020...when I found out I was expecting. Gosh we were so happy... just happy. My heart was already full and it became even more full!... but that didn't get to last to long..

On Thanksgiving I felt something was wrong. I was spotting and cramping, just a little. I was hesitant to go to the ER, but I did anyways... There I had an untrasound and seen such a cute little baby in my belly and then I received the most heartbreaking sentence I have ever experienced/heard of through out my 25 years of life... "The baby's heart stop beating..." My mind was so blank, my ear rang through the silence. I couldn't even hear myself cry... My heart felt so shattered. I felt myself drift into the darkness. Solin asked me questions... my voice felt like it couldn't come out... all I could do was cry.

When we got home from ER we had to tell Zidane about the baby. Telling Zidane was so hard. I cried in his arms and he was sad too. He cried alittle, but he jumped right back after a while.

I laid down just trying to gather my thoughts, but all I could do was ask myself questions. Why did this happened? Why now? Where is my baby's soul? Why don't I have something to believe in? What happens next? All of these question and none will ever be answered.

Going through a miscarriage was hard. I still cry every now and then. Thinking about my lost future. But I am a little better now. I do go back to that dark place, but everytime I do, this light appears with a little familiar hand that comes through and grabs my hand, then I see another familiar hand that reaches out to me and pulls me out to saves me...

I love you so much Zidane and I love Solin so much. I could've never recover from this if I never had them in my life. I'm not so strong as I play out to be. But I am strong with them.

One Memorable Night : A few weeks has passed since my miscarraige. Solin was asleep, snoring away. I could not sleep because it's one of those nights I overthink and was thinking of the baby. I cried but silently because I didn't want to wake Solin up.

Solin randomly gets up and came to my side and hugged me so tight as if he knew I was crying... but there was no way he could have known. I ended up crying even harder in his arms while he was still K.Oed. Gosh the things this dude does to me. He unconsciously made me cry even more! None the less it made me happy and has made my heart heal just a bit more.

Two new addition to the family. I moved my two black mystery girls into another tank.

Names:

Ivory: Yuki (Snow) *weeb moment*

Finally named everyone. It was really hard for me to decide. Yes, it took about two month to figure their names.

First picture: (my first mystery ❤)

Since I'm really not sure if male or female, I decided to name this one Sammy, after my cousin sammy cause he stays in his room all day like sammy here!!

Second picture:

Top- Kevin ( Because Kevin sounds like he has many baby mamas. *hints* why he impregnated both my black mysteries )

Middle- Maddie (cute name)

Bottom- Blue ( Because I'm not sure if female or male and blue is a cute name for either gender)

Last picture:

DIY Calcium powder:

-Container bought at dollar tree. (I'm cheap, plus it has a cushion for a tight sealing)

-Egg shells. (Keep every egg shell you crack to the side)

Rinse egg shells with plain water. You can also remove the membrane, but I left mines alone. Boil egg shells for 10 mins and either air dry for ^two days or *bake for 2 hours at 200 F degree.

*Some people just rinse and bake, instead of boiling then baking them. I choose to boil and bake.*

My first hatchery! Where I incubate my baby snails ❤

DIY hatchery 😀

*(completely thought this out, maybe someone also made the same but I haven't seen anyone post anything similar to my mini creation)*

-Originally a plant container from petsmart. Took out plant and rinsed container repeatedly. (Can use any small container aslong as it's clean and bit smaller than sponge)

-Added a sponge I used to clean alge off tank walls.

-Wet sponge with existing tank and bending the sponge to make a bridge to lay the clutches on. (New sponge is also fine)

-Added 2 cm of existing tank water in container.

-Add clutches on top bridge. ❤

My second clutch ❤

Me: Zidane are you mommy's baby boy.

Zidane: yes I'm mommy's baby

Daddy: I thought you're a big boy.

Zidane: Oh yeah, I'm sorry mommy. I'm a big boy.

Me:

Aunty I miss you deeply. I wish you never moved. I wish I had seen you before you left. I don't believe in God. I regret not being able to see you off one last time. I'm happy the last memory I had with you was great. Full of laughter and never ache. We never argued. I'm happy I had you as my second mom. You've been a great person from the start. You've raised great kids. It's upsetting for you to part us like this. You were to young and still had so much to do. I will always have you in my heart. Thank you for giving us these great moments and memories. I will cherish them. I hope you're watching us where ever you are.

Babies are here!!! 9/30/2018 first clutch!

Relocated my shrimps because I wasn't aware they would eat my babies 😭