comical;

I knew you’d love it! It’s thin chocolate wafers and Cool Whip. Then you just freeze it and add a couple cherries on top. 

No, no, I got it. No b-b-big deal! Just don’t swear. M-M-Ma-Mama never like that.

I don’t love the cherries, but I do like the chocolate and Cool Whip. Maybe throw some chocolate shavings on the top. Maybe some extra whipped cream? Delicious. 

Noel…no. Not even a little bit. 

Why? Did someone make you feel like they’re scary? 

Mm yeah, it changes sometimes but I never knew why. Antibodies, huh? What’s really nasty is sometimes it’ll look pink ‘cause of blood. That’s always an interesting thing to find after I pump. Miles calls it strawberry milk. 

Eh, maybe. I don’t know. I just know a mama’s milk has lots of vitamins and antibodies and good shit for the babies, so that’s why I keep ‘em on my boob for as long as I can. Knock on wood, but none of ‘em have gotten sick so far. I think it helps with that too, but I dunno. I’m just a mom, I don’t actually know shit. 

Is it true that it can change color depending on, like, the antibodies? I saw that on tiktok once. 

Psh, of course, you know you can all of the time, every day for forever. 

Is my Tourette’s, like... scary? Like do they make you nervous?

If Mama isn’t here to tell you to watch your sugars, someone’s gotta b-be. You know how she liked her Low Cal ice-cream b-b-b-ba-bars. 

Try this. I know you’ll like it way better. It’s called an Iceb-b-box Cake.

An icebox cake... okay. Let’s see here..... Mm. Okay, this one is better. I like this one. You’re right. How’d you make this one? Why’s it called an icebox cake? 

I told you! It’s like cereal milk. It tasted like Fruit Loops milk to me! Wow, now we’re bound together forever by boobie milk! I’m gonna ask Miles if you can be in our family photos with us.

Sure you’re not just smelling yourself? 

Fine, don’t try it. But then just don’t ask me for anything ever again, ever. 

I will ask you for everything all of the time, every day for forever, thank you very much. 

Told you! Dang, really? I tried to not use as much sugar to ma-ma-make it healthier. 

Hey, you can be my boyfriend number two. It’s all good. With four kids now, I need all the help I can get. 

Here! You don’t have to take it like a shot though. Just take a sip. It’s literally milk. 

Okay fine, here I go.... 

You won’t be trusting me with your life ‘cause I’ll be the one killing you if you don’t try it! 

It’s pie, Noel. You’re like Buddy the Elf. How do you not like pie?

Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?! 

I added the jiggle to m-ma-match your jiggly br-brain! Just try one b-b-bite while it’s warm. 

Okay fine...

It’s a family tradition, Noel. What would Mama say? You have to eat it or Santa won’t bring you annyyy presents. Plus, I made it all on my own without Nora’s help. I need you to compare it to Moms’ and see how I did. 

Mom’s didn’t smell like this though, Theo. Her’s didn’t jiggle like this either. I’m really not sure how you did it...

Oh c’mon! Trying breast milk is like a right-of-passage! 

That’s fair, but I at least thought it would be my wife’s breast milk... not yours. But okay, fine. Hand me the shot glass...