lol what the fuck

*These are completely interchangeable, they’re just in categories to make it easier for all of y’all.

FOR AMIGOS;

“How many times are you going to do that, exactly?”

“You were right. As per usual.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the lines you’ve drawn until you’ve crossed them.”

“You’re surprised because you have a soft spot for hot blondes.”

“Is that – that’s a naked Scarlett Johansson on your fridge.”

“You can stay, but for no more than two nights.”

“Please don’t look in this drawer. Please.”

“I told you not to pick him up, he’s very sensitive.”

“Yes. I might have given you rabies. But in my defense, that’s ridiculous and I didn’t.”

“I’m sorry, my cell phone data coverage does not cover the bullshit zone you’re in.”

“Hey! Give me your pants. Quick, give me your pants.”

“No, I’m serious. Stop it right now or I won’t give you the last cookie.”

“You think I’m kidding. But I’ve never been more serious about anything in my entire life.”

“How much would a stripper cost and why so much?”

“I’m going to buy you a drink. Next week. On Thursday. When I get paid. Can you swing this one?”

“Hippos are hungry, hungry! And you are considerably larger than a small piece of lettuce!”

“When I was little, I used to be afraid of mummies. And now look at me. I love dead people!”

“I don’t even miss my ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, I just miss my glockenspiel.”

“It happens to everyone, you just sell your skirt for some coke.”

“Please do not pull your pants down in front of baby Jesus.”

“That’s not the phrasing you want to use.”

“Because nothing says heterosexuality like a gold sash.”

“Please don’t take it out on my boobs.”

“When it gets really windy I look like a bizarre combination of Marilyn Monroe and Cousin It.”

“We have to change our names and run away to Mexico. It’s the only way. Adios.”

“How much money do you have on you?”

“Please tell me that’s a raisin and not a tiny hamster shit you’re eating.”

“Life is a lot better when you put things on your head.”

“For someone who’s not very deep, I’m incredibly not shallow.”

FOR LOVERS;

“I need you to remind me what it feels like to love you.”

“I love you. What? No I don’t. Forget I said anything.”

“I need you to tickle my feet but like, sexually.”

“If we got married, would I have to take your last name? Or could we just make up a new one?”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“I heard you say his/her name in your sleep last night. Want to explain or should I just leave?”

“I want to spend the night with you tonight. But I also want to sleep on your side. And without you on the bed. So technically I just want your bed.”

“Please don’t be proposing to me in an empty parking lot.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry, you stupid fucking broken record. It’s done.”

“I’m not jealous, I’m curious. About the things you were doing. With him/her. Without me.”

“Your mother’s looks could kill. Actually, are you sure they haven’t before?”

“If you’re breaking up with me tonight, can I at least eat first?”

“Stop sweating. It’s not attractive during sex, and it’s not attractive now.”

“Are you – are you checking me out? In the line for the confessional?”

“We have to go. I might have told your mom I’m pregnant. I don’t know why I said that. I’m not.”

“So what you’re saying it that you’re snorting sugar to get excited for sex.”

“My dog licks better than you do.”

“But through every stupid thing you do and say – and those are a lot, by the way – I love you.”

“I don’t care if you’re growing another head. I’ll talk to both of them. I love you.”

“And I’d take fifty years of not talking to you for just a day of doing so. I promise that’s a compliment.”

“I don’t want to hide this anymore. I’m not some dirty little secret, you American Reject.”

“This is a bit too dramatic for my taste, so can we skip it and have sex instead?”

“I don’t want you to think of me as your personal sex toy.”

“Thanks and all, but that makes me feel like a low-class escort, so.”

“A kiss in exchange for every nice thing you say about me. Deal?”

“Promise me you’re not like him/her. I need to hear it from your mouth. Promise me.”

“Look, I’ve had my heart broken before. I’m not ready to let you in just yet. Anywhere.”

“Don’t leave me here. Anywhere else, okay, but not here.”

“I wish I could say that was the worst sex I ever had, but I’ve had worse.”

“I just blew you. Could you look a little happier about it?”

“I’m attracted to shiny things, so if it looks like I’m staring at your chest, it’s because I am.”

FOR TEXTERS;

[text] This is upsetting my poop.

[text] Hey, are you up? If you’re not, can you wake up? I need some help.

[text] So it involves feces and large birds.

[text] She said that to you? Why?

[text] Please come back. I miss you.

[text] What are you good for if you’re not gonna bring me ice cream?

[text] Can you ignore that last text? It wasn’t meant for you. I’m sorry.

[text] …did you just send me a nude?

[text] FUCK OFF YOU ONE-EYED WHORE.

[text] I don’t know why I said that.

[text] Leave it to you to fuck the simplest of requests up.

[text] Do we have to go to their wedding? He’s only my first cousin.

[text] How much does ‘I love you’ mean to you?

[text] I am not stalking you. But you should do something about your bathroom, it’s gross.

[text] Please. I need this so badly.

[text] I trust you completely.

[text] I’m a genius. You’re a peasant. Everything makes sense again.

[text] Hey, buddy! Got like, five hundred bucks I can borrow? Times ten.

[text] She lost it. She completely lost it. She said her uterus was attacking her bone marrow.

[text] I will not get you donuts.

[text] Please? I love you.

[text] I think I’m gonna go to sleep now, but you keep thinking that.

[text] I can’t say this out loud. They might be listening.

[text] I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t think he’d duck when the ball came at him, I’m sorry.

[text] You’re cute.

[text] I just need you to understand how important you are to me.

[text] Fuck off.