Nobody Wrote This

When I think about my body, I think of all the things I did to it'

I've starved it - wanting to be a little thinner, my stomach to be more flat or because I over ate the day before

I've hated it - I have held the extra skin between my fingers, wishing it wasn't there or hating the way an outfit looked

I've tortured it - hours spent in the gym to earn the meal I would eat that day or work off the snack I ate earlier

Despite these - my body still continues to be there for me

It holds me up on days when I am exhausted

It carries me to and from work or events - allowing me to be present in the moment

Someday I will ask my body to do so much more for me

It will be a house for my baby - it will grow bones from scratch and create an entire human being

Despite the things I have put my body through, it never hated me back

it is and continues to be an amazing force of nature

I won't call or text

I won't get you a gift

I won't post about you on social media

I don't know how many years it's been that I did those things for you - but I know this is the first I won't

I am relieved - but also a little sad

Relieved I won't waste energy on you - won't have to worry about your reaction or finding the time

Sad it was such a normal, yearly routine for me and now it never will be again

This is the first year of many, that I realize things are changing

friends don't stay friends for a lifetime

Family doesn't have to like you

Do you ever feel “almost ready” for something?

Not in a way where you’re almost done with your hair or need one more minute before you leave

No. 

Almost ready for the big life changes 

Almost ready for the life altering changes 

But I don’t know what almost entails. 

If it happened now, would I be ready? 

If I put it off for another 3 months? 6 months. A year. Will I be ready then? 

I don't know if "ready" will ever actually come

I'm sad for a moment that no longer exists

It's a moment forever etched into my brain - peeking it's head out at the most irrelevant times. 

It reminds me things aren't the same

The memory plays in my head in flashes - not a consistent image yet I remember it so vividly

The laughter is haunting - reminding me I will never laugh with you again

The conversations echo - how many secrets did I share with you that you still hold onto? or maybe you stopped holding onto them when everything changed

I'm sad for a moment that no longer exists - but I am relieved to no longer be held down by you

The laughter, conversations, those moments - they were rare. 

The friendship we shared - it wasn't mutual

Friendship is supposed to bring happiness and light - yours brought loathing and hatred.

It surrounded me like a shadow - everything was done with caution. 

Healing is never easy or quick

It hits in waves - loud and crashing.

In between, it can be calm; quiet but never lasting long

Those silent moments are when you think you have healed - that nothing bothers you anymore

You only realize it stills hurts when the first wave comes crashing in - the trigger that sets it all into motion has been set off.

Second wave - you're spiraling into the repetitive thoughts that you thought you escaped - "why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "God this sucks"

Third wave - you feel stuck. Washed away into nothingness because you fell back into it all. When will it end?

Then suddenly - the waves stop - the thoughts calm and the pain lingers slightly but you notice - not as bad as before

You realize you have healed - or rather you still are.

It may hit you harder some days and it may feel like it hurts - maybe it will forever

But at least you know it will hurt a little less each time.

Healing comes in waves

Note to self

not everyone has the same heart as you

Remember that at 3am when you can't reach anyone

Remember that when you need help - but those you've helped are no where to be found

or when you're left alone - broken and confused

Note to self

not everyone has the same heart as you

Loving you isn't always sunshine and rainbows.

Sometimes it's storm clouds and rain - the thunder bellows, the rain pours down, cold and dark

Sometimes it's chaos - everything is loud and running in every direction, we don't know what's up from down.

Loving you isn't always sunshine and rainbows.

But when it is- the love songs hit a little better. They're on repeat in the car.

The smile on my face remains permanent - every little thing you do and say makes me laugh and reminds me of how in love with you I am.

Even if loving you isn't always the "fairytale romance" I read about in storybooks, I will love you through it all.

I thought of you today.

Not long but still enough to sting a little.

I thought of you today.

Not because of the good times we shared, but because of the scars you left in your wake.

Deep and visible - they affect everything I do

But the thing about scar - they fade.

The thoughts of you? those fade too

I thought of you today

and it stung a little less