in your dreams, whatever they be

and the thing that i have been saying for at least a year now is that there is no problem of evil because god is the source of everything, including evil. this idea terrifies a lot of people to the point where they'll be doing theological gymnastics trying to get around it. st. augustine, for example, is very guilty of this (as well as a great deal of other things). but the fact of the matter is that you strip god of his power by handing off his evil to someone or something else. evil as the absence of good, the presence of the devil/lucifer/iblis (hello eschatological bitheism), and even the free will argument seeks to save face, to spirit him away from anything that might dirty his hands. the problem with that is that 1) he doesn't need you to do that anyway, god is not looking for a defense attorney, and 2) his hands are already filthy. no one is done any good by pretending they're clean

chapter 9 of between two lungs is out now )))

finally making this blog searchable on here because someone has to spread the billted agenda. also between two lungs update is imminent this week & im editing the billted google doc so keep an eye on potential "new" stuff going up there

sometimes i just think about the way that one pastor looked at me when i told her i had essentially no choice at all but to be with god. "you always have a choice," she said, and i nodded and played it off like i was being hyperbolic but i wasn't. my options were simple and they were to either choose him or be empty and miserable forever. but what's the quality of life if you feel awful all the time? it's only a choice by definition

all the time i am just battling myself and my own brain and lack of willpower. and i miss god. these two things are intimately related. it does feel like he gets a kick out of how much i fucking hate some people and wish for their imminent demise and descent into hell and torment though. he wants me to stop, i know this; in the meantime i think he giggles. he knows he won't do it but it's fun to listen to me demand it of him

went outside just as a storm was settling in and when i sang to god he went still, and then sang back to me. in the wind, in the raindrops, in the ever-darker clouds. it's been so long since i heard from him. i have a hard time believing it's real