Nisa Adventures

Don’t “should” on yourself.

Honestly, a brilliant little piece of wisdom. Thank you to my nurse coach for that one. I still from time to time feel like I “should” be over it or I “should” NOT feel as sad as I do. This is partly my rational brain not wanting to be sad and partly societal pressures and marketing of what life “should” look like.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve certainly started to care less about what people think I should or should not do, so I guess that’s a plus. I self-validate myself back into knowing that I can feel heart broken at the loss of my Mama and my Mama Jo. I think the validation brings a little peace, as sad as it may be.

One of the saddest parts of losing your big relationships so early in life is that as you continue to live life and make new memories, the memories you have of the person, the photos, videos, etc. they all start to repeat… and as time goes on and the years fill between your present and past, they begin to make those times feel like distant memories.

Soon enough the new memories fill so much of your brain space and one day you realize that those moments that you remember with your loved ones were the last you’ll ever have. My phone is full of photos and videos, but I’ll never have new photos or videos of my mom’s.

“I love you baby. Don’t worry about anything. Have a great week and I will se you on Tuesday. You’re the best baby. Love Mom XOXOXO”

It still feels so crazy to me that that is the last note my mom ever wrote to me. I’m so grateful that my mom left this world knowing how much I loved and cared for her. I used to feel like my grief was this comforting reminder that I was loved. I still sometimes try to see it that way, but then my therapist offered me the idea that I don’t need to carry this sadness to keep the love I feel. And as painful as it sometimes feels, I understand I don’t have to hold onto that pain. So I imagine my loved ones completely at peace, I smile, and lean into gratitude.

I know that may not work for everyone, but it’s helped me relieve some of the weight I sometimes unknowingly may carry. We can’t “should” our way out of feeling our feelings.

Mother’s Day can be complicated time for some of us. To those who have lost a mom, to those who have or had a complicated or strained relationship with their mom, and to anyone who can relate to this holiday feeling like a weird day in the year, my love goes out to you.

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - Albus Dumbledore

I recently went to a concert with my Nina and it’s nice whenever you can go for a long drive with someone and have conversation about all the things. We talked so much about my Mom and Mama Jo. Her memories of them from before I was born, when I was still little, and as I was growing up. It’s really nice to hear about them from a different person’s perspective and feel like the light you saw and the love you felt was experienced by someone else too. I mean obviously these were wonderful women… DUH.. but it’s still nice to hear. A little light :)

Nina said that she sees my mom in me all the time. Ironically, I also watched the Lion King around this time and that reminded of Rafiki telling Simba that his dad lives in him. LOL

Another year is basically gone. It’s crazy how quickly time moves. This year definitely felt different for me. I wish I could say it was in a good way, but I can’t. There were many great moments, don’t get me wrong, but there were also a lot of headaches and heartaches.

The last several months have been especially depressing… and I don’t mean that in an oh it was a sad couple of months way, I mean that in an I have literally been depressed way… The sleeping over 12hrs in a day way, unmotivated to leave the house way, can’t stop crying at every little thing because of some trigger, the avoiding too many social gatherings because you get anxious about crying at random type of way… Compartmentalizing gets exhausting and when I’m chronically fatigued I start to realize I’m boiling over.

I’m sure a lot of this is tied to the trial. Lots of reminders… images… of the worst time… and there’s still more to come with that *sigh*

I’m really easily triggered lately and I really hate crying in front of people. It’s that specific look you get. The they’re helpless and don’t know what to do for you look. Not everyone gives that look, but many do. Don’t feel bad if you’re that person because I can be that person too.

Just because you swam in the depths of the sea doesn’t mean you always know how to help someone else navigate up for air.

We met with a friend the other day and just him talking about his relationship with his daughter and how fun it is for him to see their relationship and conversations evolve made me cry.

That was us.

What do you do when you lose some of the biggest pieces of your heart suddenly and unexpectedly? Your best friends since day 1…

We can’t control life. I’m thankful for everyday and all the ways they shaped who I am.

So much about today reminds me of Mom. How she pulled off cooking a whole @$$ Thanksgiving dinner is beyond me. It’s more than enough for me to cook a few dishes, let alone the whole meal. Thank you for never cooking to a recipe and always cooking by feel or taste. Actually, I don’t know if I’m thankful for that because there are plenty of things you used to cook that I really wish I knew how the heck you did it… but I also cook like that, so I can’t be mad at it lol. It’s more fun that way *wink*

I’m really thankful for all the angels who held us all together for so many years, the various pieces of my beautifully complicated family. Thank you for all the holidays you made special.

For those of you missing someone this holiday, missing a place, a feeling, just know you’re not alone. There is beauty in today, even if its hard to see.

Happy Thanksgiving <3

Before the day begins I just want to start on a good note. This is not to say each day doesn’t because they generally 100% do.

Today is my 33rd birthday. *Wide eyes & raised eyebrows* I still feel hella young (lol sincerely and jokingly said).

I’ve learned so much this year, about life, myself, leaning into self-love, leaning away from comparison.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I’d love to say, just don’t do it… but we are human and there will always be moments where we either do compare or are tempted in that direction. I have found that if I focus on my life, there are endless opportunities for joy.

The dogs seemingly enjoy their meals because they’re still licking the bowl after its empty, joy.

Jay playing music and cooking dinner/meal prep in the kitchen, joy. All the gratitude when the kitchen is even clean when he’s done (Thank you, hunny!).

Walking to Kuya’s house to workout and hangout, always joy. It’s always an added bonus that Nina has kept coming, despite my crazy programmed core workouts (lol ok they’re not crazy. You might like them if you tried *wink*).

When I bought a new salad spinner, fixed the AC, installed the new doorbell (lol) all the things people deem ‘adulting.’ Yup, those are joy too. Me being a list person, whenever I can cross something off or get something done, so much joy.

And that may sound silly, but if we can find joy in the day to day, the things some would call mundane, then not a day will go by that you don’t find it. Perspective is important here. We obviously can’t control life and things get thrown our way all the time: the shitty driver who almost hit us on the way to work, your dog chewing the corner of your couch, the weather, a crazy day at work because who knows (was it a full moon again?), etc. etc. etc. Now lets not go into this with that toxic positivity. I’m not saying your perspective will magically make everything better and its sunshine and rainbows… but when we practice self-awareness and mindfulness we learn to process.

Take today for instance… or this time of year for that matter. I know its a hard time of year for me. As my motivation decreases, distractibility increases, and I easily cry, I know its because the associations, its triggering. I wish my birthday wasn’t such a trigger… I definitely find reasons to be thankful. I think by thinking that I have to be happy or excited around this time, I set myself up. Isn’t it just an expectation that society has placed on us that our birthday should be an exciting time of year? Because as kids our birthdays meant parties, family, fun, and gifts. Not to say those aren’t all good things.

Anyway, my train of thought it like woooo… happens a lot.

I think its important to understand that associations can change, feelings evolve, and our perspective and self-awareness can help shape a lot of that. I know this is a hard time and I also know that happiness in this time is also a thing. The duality of adulthood and if you haven’t seen Inside Out… I mean simply said. The duality of emotion is a beautiful and complicated thing. So though I may be sad, I’ve learned to lean into the joy.

If you’re struggling with grief, comparison, growing up, accepting change, whatever it may be, just know you’re not alone. Thank you to all my loved ones and those of you who still pop in to read my now very occasional posts and external processing. I am very thankful for all the people in my life and even for those who aren’t.

Bob Marley was once asked if there was a perfect women. 

His reply: 

Who cares about perfection? Even the moon is not perfect, it is full of craters. The sea is incredibly beautiful but salty and dark in the depts. The sky is always infinite, but often cloudy. So, everything that is beautiful isn’t perfect, it’s special. 

I’ve been feeling waves of grief going through this whole engagement, wedding planning, life process. Am I surprised, no, of course not. I’ve always known the more life I live, the more times like this will come. Like Bob said, everything that is beautiful isn’t perfect...

Loss is a little f***ed up like that. 

Sometimes I really feel cheated. What I wouldn’t give to be able to sit and have a simple conversation with my moms again... To hear them laugh. To hear them tell me how proud of me they are. To see Michael laugh and tease mom for getting all worked up about this and that detail.

I’m not really the type to get super jazzed up about planning stuff like a wedding, but I think this has definitely made me worse. Each step I really minimize because as soon as I feel excited or happy I also feel extremely sad and cry.

If this is you finding out that I’m getting married, lol whoops. Like I said, I’ve been minimizing. I didn’t really want an announcement, everything has been very NBD. 

I know, I know... its a VERY BIG DEAL.

I do want to say thank you to everyone who’s asked, checked in, been excited. Sometimes its a bit much for me, but I appreciate your excitement FOR ME lol. When I can’t do it for myself, I do feel a bit of a lift when you hype me up. Everyone needs a village that will love and support them and I’m so so thankful for mine every single day. 

So anywho... picked up my dress from alterations today. yay... lol. jk! This has been my struggle. I’m working on it. 

Happy Friday, everyone! 

Some people are surprised that I have stayed in my home all this time. I can imagine their curiosity and surprise. It has always been both difficult and comforting being home. At first the quiet was disturbing, then the whole of it was very overwhelming. 

The responsibility was a lot to take in, is a lot. It all has had its little victories. Stories and triumphs, independence and figuring it all out. Definitely not how I would have chose figuring out being a “homeowner.” Especially for a home that I don’t technically own (lol), but you live and learn. Thank you to everyone who has helped and all the people who continue to help. Life is really about who you know and that has never been MORE true than these last few years. 

Everyone needs a village. 

So as you can imagine, in cleaning I have found or re-discovered familiar things, photos, books, etc. 

I’m the type of person that will procrastinate, but when I’m motivated and get in a groove its hard to stop me. I’ll be cleaning and then 6 hours later... oh snap look at the time... but its always really rewarding how much gets done! 

So anyways, as I’m going through, hours and days of cleaning, I find photos and things here and there... sentimental things... but since I’m in a groove I know better and put those things off to the side. It will slow me down if I go through those things too long, that is not yard sale material, off to the side it goes. But just like the mind, those objects don’t go away. They will linger like the thoughts and feelings we put away and don’t address. 

Its like prepping for this yard sale is a physical manifestation of what I’ve been doing with my emotions from going through all this stuff! 

How freaking annoying is that?! Well, not annoying. Similar to unpacking my emotions and grief, unpacking cluttered areas of my house is both sad and a relief. I’m excited to finally clean some spaces that have been neglected. Sad to see some things that very much remind me of them go. But sentiment and value is subjective. I don’t need to hold onto a bunch of things that might remind me of them when I have other things I will hold onto that mean more to me personally. 

Quality over quantity.

Research has shown that clutter can cause unconscious stress. I think some people are more tolerable of it than others of us - my type A personalities, you know who you are ;) So the house being tore up a bit in prep or organization for this weekend is driving me a little cray... woooo saw... Not much longer... It will get better. 

A few days later....

The first day of the garage sale is done. It was overwhelmingly busy, which I would consider a good thing. I think I only got to go pee like three times all day and I haven’t eaten. 

Honestly, it didn’t hit me until it was done... It was like a slap in the face... all of the things and them that I had let go of. I in no way wanted to keep anything because they are simply material... the things I let go of today had little sentimental value to me, but the fact that they once belonged to someone I love... that they deeply remind me of a loved one who I miss soooo sooo muchl.. that was hard... It hit hard... I’m still crying... 

And I have to do it all again tomorrow... Yard sales suck lol. They’re good because you get rid of so much if you’re so willing, but they suck because they’re so damn time consuming....

This was a rough weekend. for me... Its only Saturday and I’m exhausted...

Send help....

I’m still crying.. but I’m gonna go do this thing. Hopefully a lot of people show tomorrow because getting rid of more things is a good thing. I’ll be fine. Its initial shock and pain. I’ll survive. 

That’s enough for my rambling. Have a great weekend!

In my honest opinion, weigh how much things mean to you. Sometimes material isn’t worth it and its better to get rid of. Sometimes things are very sentimental and though they mean very little to someone else, they may mean a whole hell of a lot to you. Never get rid of things when you aren’t ready. I was ready. Its been 3+ years. Everyone works in their own time. I may have been ready sooner had the opportunity presented itself... But here I am and I had the time. I’m ready. 

There’s something about traveling that is both triggering and cathartic. Meeting new people, seeing new sites, having time to my thoughts, and just soaking it all in.

I think I cry at least once on every trip I take. The catharsis is probably a big part of why I love traveling. It reminds me of her in a lot of ways, of them. She inspired me to travel as much as I inspired her. She always wanted to go to Italy. We talked about it and wanted to plan something after Bali and probably after Japan…

Things I loved about this trip:

1. Being able to travel again. My last passport stamp was Peru 2019-2020.

2. Seeing so many beautiful places.

3. Learning so much.

4. Seeing the connection and power of language.

5. Meeting new people.

Something I found completely sweet about this trip is how many people were close to their moms. So many were FaceTiming and calling their mom like everyday. Totally sweet right? I know not everyone has great relationships with their parents and I am very blessed to have and to have had the relationships I do and did. That is another good part about traveling with perfect strangers. They don’t always know all the details that can make it awkward for them. They can freely talk about their parents and their relationships without feeling sorry or apologizing because really there is nothing to be sorry for. You should never apologize to me for having a great relationship with your parent(s). We shouldn’t be sorry for things in are lives that are blessings.

We visited Cique Terre on the trip and it was the most beautiful group of seaside towns. When I feel safe to do so when I travel, I like to walk around and “get lost” a bit. It’s part of the catharsis! So I walked up a hill, found a beautiful view, walked further up the hill, and found myself in a mausoleum at the top. Some of the sites dating back to the 1800s. Many displaying perfect images of the person resting there. I definitely took a minute to have a good cry. When by yourself and when in Italy, why not?! Lol. I took some photos and I’ll include them here.

I will say I was bit envious of everyone updating their moms along the trip. I think its only natural considering I would be doing the very same thing if Mom was still alive today. No reason to fret though! Like I said, no reason to apologize. I’m thankful for the very cute reminder and for the ability to admire how cute the relationships are.

This was a nice trip to remind me what I’ve been missing. I was honestly a little scared to go on this trip since its been so long with COVID. Not necessarily because I’m worried about getting sick, but just because its been a while since I’ve traveled alone and left my loved ones.

Just like riding a bike. I was quickly reminded why I love it so much and I can’t wait to plan another trip.

To those that made this trip all the better and to our tour director, Jos, for all the great recommendations and plans, thank you. I look forward to seeing all of your future travels and adventures.

Such beautiful and painful memories

Its rediscovering this fact over and over; that is a lifetime with grief. And the funny part is that we can anticipate and suspect that these moments will come, when they will come, why... but they will definitely continue to come at whatever moment they please. 

And now, May 21, 2022, I had a physical graduation ceremony. Who would’ve thought it would take this long to be able to gather and for ceremonies to resume? Luckily, they resumed just in time for our graduating class to be included. 

Congratulations class of 2021 :)

I definitely had to control the tears during the part of the ceremony when they asked the parents of the graduates to all stand. I just want to say that I’m very thankful for my family and loved ones. I say it all the time, but I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t be who I am without all of you. I feel very blessed to have a life full of love.

Today was a really nice day <3

I started writing this post in December...

So today is my virtual graduation! 

YAY COVID! lol. I think I’ll walk in May 2022 (And so I did - lol) : 1. Because I can and 2. Because I deserve to. COVID can’t rain on my parade... that much... lol

I knew graduating was going to be a rough moment. I wish they were all here... Milestones of life tend to be sweet and sour. 

I still remember going to Mom’s many graduations. I remember her graduation from Delta, wearing the white dress, white nylons, white shoes, and that oh so traditional nurse’s cap (lol). I think you Delta grads still do that. I was really little at the time, 4 years old? (I saw the recent graduation ceremony pictures and you all STILL wear the same fit - wow tradition)

These are some of the pictures from my BSN graduation ceremony. We could choose a registered nurse to pin us, so of course I chose my mom and my kuya. Such a priceless moment. A constant reminder that these moments are special and photos capture and preserve important moments in time. 

I need to take more pictures. I always say this lol.

I think the big @$$ smile on my face says it all... and although I’m really sad because of all the people who aren’t here today... I’m still happy and proud, despite all the crying. 

It was a freakin’ journey to get here. I complained a lot. I am NOT a fan of school, but once again I DID THAT. I started the program literally just a few months after the accident and less than a month after returning to work... COVID hit just months after starting the program. *sigh* But its done. Thank goodness. 

We can’t appreciate joy without sadness. 

Just reminding myself that I’m grateful for the time I did have and these moments I will always remember. 

Flashback to 2013... Lets go back in time... Just for a sec.

Is it a thing when you get older that you really appreciate the simple things in life? Or is there this shift when you start enjoying things that make you think, “Damn I’m really getting old.” Just me?

For instance I love going to visit the family and the moment Alei’a instantly smiles up at me and runs over to where I am so I’ll pick her up. Too freakin’ cute! All the aunties know what I’m talking about.

I love coming home to all my fur kids. All my animal lovers know what I’m talking about! That unconditional love, tail wagging, super excited to see you, energy. We need more of that energy in our lives. Humans, learn to be more fun. JK lol. I’m sure you’re amazing and full of energy too. If you’re not, its never too late to learn something new ;)

I also find meal prepping satisfying. I mean I’ve always enjoyed cooking, but its comforting to know, “Hey, I’m ready for X amount of days this week.” Okay, that seems like a getting older type feeling LMAO. The idea of being less stressed about “What am I going to eat next?” We are here for healthy convenience! Ain’t nobody got time to waste thinking about what they’re going to eat for every single meal, every single day. Okay, that is a “getting older” thing, I think.

Oh maybe TMI, but I celebrate when my cycle is “more” regular or when I don’t remember the last time I was bloated. Whoop Whoop! Ladies, you know what I’m talking about! If you aren’t already on some protein, yogurt, kombucha, or supplement that has probiotics… get on it! That applies to everyone. Gut health FTW.

My planner and calendar people! I can’t forget you. I’ve been a planner person since I was in middle school. If you aren’t a planner/planning/calendar type person try it for a month! There is something satisfying about the business of your days being neatly organized and the knowledge and anticipation of knowing what is to come. Maybe that is a bit of my control freak coming out… BUT its nice to see everything I’ve achieved, the experiences I’ve had, and the work I accomplished in as small of a timeframe as a day. Time is our greatest and most precious resource, so make the most of it :)

There is definitely a shift in the circle. I definitely see and feel that one. As we get older, our priorities do change and sometimes that means they’re more focused. We don’t have all the time in the day and schedules fill up really quickly. In that way, its easy to see how our circle of friends gets tighter. We concentrate more quality energy into a set of people versus when we were younger and had energy going in every which direction. So to my friends and family, thank you for the time you give me no matter how big or small. I appreciate you so much <3

I don’t really know what this post is for, or the point… I just feel like my mindset is older. I say older because if I say OLD, then hella of you are gonna come after me in the comments saying, “OMG you’re so young!” I’m not saying I’m old. I in no way think of myself as old. I think my priorities are different and the things that matter to me have changed drastically in the last 5ish years. Okay, lets go with more mature lol. More experienced?

There is an interesting thing I’ve realized over and over again about grief as time goes by. It really changes how I experience everything. Things that you’ve experienced before, you experience them in a whole new way.

Take Grey’s Anatomy for instance. When I first started watching the show, I OF COURSE loved it lol. But the scenes that everyone would start crying over, okay, they were hit or miss for me. I wouldn’t cry each time unless it was really an O-M-G moment. On the other hand, there’s my Mom, who would cry at the tiniest scenes in every movie or show. It was like an inside joke to peak over at Mom when a movie got emotional because you were guaranteed to see her staring at the screen so intensely with a tear or two rolling down her cheeks. Then she would catch you staring and/or giggling and say, “Oh shut up!”

So is it something that changes with age or is it something that has changed because of the immense amount of trauma and grief I carry?

I am now my mother… LMAO

I cry when Grey’s Anatomy gets emotional. There are so many scenes that of course remind me of my grief or where someone’s loss reminds me of my own. I stay crying through every episode lol. Movies like Frozen 2 and Coco… Whenever adults go to see Disney or Pixar films, “DAMN YOU DISNEY!” Hahaha But in the best way. That’s how you know its good. I just finished listening to the Harry Potter audio books again and even that… Harry wanting to see his parents, a character dies in some sacrificial way, the familial love between characters.

It’s sad in some ways and amusing or surprising in others, the way in which our experiences shape how we experience life. I guess that sounds like common sense, but its also one of those easier said type of things, I think… Well, duh… of course Nisa, after you experienced all the s*** you’ve gone through there is going to be a lot of fallout and ongoing feelings associated with it all.

As much as grief pains me, I feel like there’s much to be thankful for. The hardship has changed me in a way that I think has made me a better human and given me a better appreciation for life.

Another thing I’m noticing more and more is how easily my brain will block things out or make me lose my train of thought when I’m stressed or the grief is starting to boil over. Yesterday, for instance, I kept forgetting things and having to remind myself what I needed to do next. That or someone else was reminding me. I know its a survival thing. Our brain does things instinctively without us knowing sometimes. I’m thankful for some of the times it has done this for me because it keeps me from feeling to overwhelmed or consumed by it all… But we all have our limits. The mind can only do some much for us without our explicit awareness.

My head hurts. Yes, I’ve been drinking water lol.

Any movies or shows that particularly hit any of you?

I feel this huge sense of euphoria… Yes, a huge weight has been lifted with the completion of my LAST semester of school, but also I’ve been fending off all these thoughts about the last couple years because I knew I needed to compartmentalize in order to get my paper done. I couldn’t let the flood of it all distract me… I mean it did at times, but I’m only human…

Thoughts about all the terrible and unspeakable have popped up…

Thoughts of all the people who were taken…

Of what COVID has taken from us…

That they aren’t here to congratulate me, hug me, and celebrate with me…

and in spite of ALL of that… I FUCKING DID THAT SHIT!

I’m honestly in this balanced state of grief and joy. I’m smiling and crying. It’s honestly a really satisfying mix of emotions.

I feel this wave of reflection hitting me. Looking back and even just thinking about what has happened the last two years… It’s freaking nuts how far I’ve come, all the bullshit we have endured, and all of the memories we have still managed to make.

I am completely proud of myself.

I think this is one of my proudest moments in life. *GASP* Did I just say that??? To be honest, that is not something I say often and I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life that I was more proud… I’m not saying that finishing the masters program and school was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but the culmination of everything I have done, as a whole, is completely noteworthy.

I think we need more moments like this… We need more moments where we reflect on how far we have come, all the struggle, the days where we didn’t feel like we could do it, and WE DID IT ANYWAYS.

Life isn’t perfect. We are imperfect and human. If life were easy, we wouldn’t appreciate the moments like this as much.

This moment in my life is a big deal for me because of all of the days I didn’t feel like I could. I’m not saying I don’t still have those days because lord knows I do…

The days where I felt extremely emotionally exhausted, yet couldn’t sleep until I pushed myself to complete exhaustion.

The days I take extremely hot and long showers because I can’t stop crying and I have to force myself to ground myself in my breathing before I start gasping for air.

The days I actually don’t want to workout (I know WTF? That happens? Yes… even I have days where I don’t even want to do that and I LOVE working out lol).

Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are plenty of people who are going through their own lifetime of struggles. I’m not saying that what I have been through and continue to face is any worse than that of anyone else. If you are in a boat of grief, pain, trauma, sadness… I feel you. My heart goes out to you and you have all my love and empathy. This is just a good day for me.

We don’t count our good days enough. We don’t bask in our own greatness enough.

Today I’m not going to downplay this accomplishment because two years ago I did not see myself where I am today, as sad as I am, as strong as I am, as accomplished as I am, and as HAPPY as I am.

I’ll say it one more time…

A friend and I were talking about Winnie the Pooh characters and emotions the other day and how we resemble the different characters at different times in life. Now feels like an Eeyore season for sure.

I wasn’t always like this. I used to love celebrating my birthday, all month long if I could. Is this something that happens with age? Do some just really dislike their birthday? Or in my case, year after year of deep and painful loss has made celebrating really hard.

I think I cried every time I thought about my birthday over the last several weeks… Probably every single day this month.

I get it. If it were anyone else, I would tell them that their life should be celebrated, that life is something that needs celebrating.

Honestly, there was never anyone who celebrated my birthday as hard as my Mama and my Mama Jo. And my birthday just reminds me that last year was the last birthday I celebrated with my Mama Jo… and the year before that was the last I celebrated with my Mama and Michael… To add to that, the year before that was the last I celebrated with my Auntie Felisa… and the year before that with my Uncle Richard.

I really try not to roll with this negative narrative.

Facebook reminded me of this little gem from 2018…

8/17/18

Thank you all for all the birthday wishes😊

Disclaimer: you don’t have to read this, I’m just going to reflect on my life a bit and spread some love😊💕 it might be long🤷🏻‍♀️ it may not flow and it may not make sense to follow my train of thought 🚂 💭 but if you do read this and take something positive away from it please feel free to comment, like, or message me👍🏽

I definitely wouldn’t say I’m old and a lot of people tell me I’m still a baby, but I feel like I’ve experienced a lot in my 28 years. Some people tell me I’m wise beyond my years🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve experienced so much joy, love, loss, sadness, frustration, and acceptance in such a short amount of time. I’ve been overly optimistic, naive, realistic, and even a bit cynical. Life can do that to you at times🤷🏻‍♀️

People have come in and out of my life, each with a lesson to teach me about myself. I’m so grateful for every good and not so good experience that has brought me to this point in life and helped shape who I am.

I’m thankful to have such a solid foundation, my family. Thank you all for showing me that love comes in all shapes and sizes. That love reaches beyond any distance, space, or time. No matter how far apart we are, how long it’s been since we last spoke, life has a way of bringing us back together just when we need it most. The people who love us will be there to rally behind us through the highest and lowest points of our lives. I feel so truly blessed to have such an amazing family. We may not be conventional, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t be who I am, or have such an open heart if it weren’t for you all.

I’m a firm believer that as we grow older we come to realize that it doesn’t matter how many friends we have, as long as at the end of the day we can say we have a few really great ones. Thank you too all my friends who have become my family. I truly value my relationship with each and every one of you. I’m not the type to trust just anyone with my feelings and thoughts, so if I’ve opened up to you at one time or another know that you have a truly special place in my heart.

It’s taken me some time, but over the last several years I can honestly say I’ve truly learned to love myself. It took a lot of introspection, humility, and honesty to get me here, but the journey is where it’s at. When you learn to recognize your thoughts, motivations behind your actions, the root of your emotions, and allow yourself to try new things, feel uncomfortable, and still do it anyways, you begin to realize so much. When you stop living for others and are true to you, true happiness emerges.

Growing up is learning to look outside yourself, but also at yourself and connect all the dots that make up your life, who you are, and who you want to be.

Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 15 years? I used to have a cliche, realistic answer to this question... but now that I’m 28 and I’ve been through everything I’ve been through I don’t really have an answer.. I do have some hopes for the future though..

I hope that I continue to take advantage of all the time I have to witness my nieces and nephews grow up.

I hope that I continue to jump at opportunities to experience new things, travel, and learn.

I hope that I always push myself in my career, not in monetary earning, but in love for what I do. If work is where we spend majority of our waking hours, we better damn well love what we do...

I hope to show the people I love just how much they mean to me.

I hope to always stay true to myself.. to listen to my instincts.. to choose happiness whenever possible.

I hope to find bliss and abundance in every day.

These are all things I hope for you all as well💕

It’s getting late and definitely should be sleeping lol. Goodnight everyone!

When I read this little letter, its like being transported through time. How little I understood the depths of loss back then. How much I admire all my optimism. How proud I am of myself for all the resilience and grace I’ve mustered through these last several years.

I love that Aria and Keanu are excited for my birthday. Aria was so sweet and goes, “Auntie, tomorrow is your real birthday?!” (Because they sang happy birthday to me on Sunday after swimming).

So here’s another year, another trip around the sun, another year of refocusing on the good.

It is important to celebrate your birthday because it is another year that your loved ones were able to cherish and spend time with you. And that is ALWAYS something worth celebrating.

So thank you to all of you who reached out for my birthday. If I didn’t invite you to anything, its because there really wasn’t anything planned. If I’m going to cry on my birthday, I’d rather not do it in front of all of you lol. But really, thank you for reaching out, in whatever way you did.

Life can be hard and unpredictable, but its the people in our lives, who love us, and shower us with their light, that really make life beautiful. You may not know it, but seeing you all win in life really inspires me to keep moving forward.

With all my love,

I don’t mean to tease you all because some of you are probably reading wondering WTH it could be. When the law allows, you can come ask me about it if you’re so inclined.

*deep breath*

It’s been really difficult to find motivation lately. I drift in and out of periods of feeling complete lack of motivation, to days of highly motivated positivity. It’s sort of exhausting being on this endless roller coaster of emotion and not being able to keep my thoughts, ideas, and to do list straight. I really take the periods of motivation in stride. I try to get all the things I can get done while I have the will and energy to do so. It really feels like such a relief to have fresh cut grass or a clean room to come home to after a crazy day at work. I also embrace the simple joy of finally making time to cook myself dinner.

I try really hard not to get too caught up in thinking about all of them because if I open that box, chances are I’ll get caught spiraling down the rabbit hole.

Down… down.. down.

But sometimes I can’t help but be reminded… Whenever I think about the pandemic, people getting sick, people who are stuck in the hospital… Whenever someone asks, “Does anyone know someone who has had COVID?”

I’m reminded of Mama Jo… I still remember FaceTime with her from her hospital bed like it was yesterday…

But it wasn’t yesterday…

Whenever I focus too long on a picture or at times even just catch of glimpse of their photo on the wall, hear a certain song, I cook with a certain spice or crave a certain food… I think of them.

So I haven’t written in a long time. Between struggling to find motivation to just function during the day, going to school, searching for things and reliving painful memories for the sake of legal matters, working with little direction during a pandemic, and still trying to enjoy life and loved ones… its rough.

I’m not going to apologize for my moments of being MIA because I’m doing my best…

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” - Dr. Seuss

But I will say thank you…

Thank you to the loved ones who have stood by us.

Thank you to the loved ones who have embraced us.

Thank you to the people who took the time to reach out at any point… Whether it was because you simply cared or you needed someone of your own to relate to, the connection is appreciated.

I hope this pandemic has taught people to give grace, have patience, and spread love…

And if it hasn’t, just know that people can look completely and utterly great on the outside… Social media is full of LIES lol. Jk… It’s not full of lies, but it only shows a small portion of the truth. You never know what someone may be carrying or going through… so be kind.

On a lighter note, ‘Ula will turn ONE tomorrow! I made her puppy friendly cupcakes and bought her dog friendly ice cream. Yup, I’ve turned into THAT person.

Sometimes we need to give credit where credit is due, especially to ourselves. I was thinking about this the other day. I’ve been framing my perspective a little negatively. I’ve been thinking that I’ve been feeling numb, or like my emotional response in grief has been wrong... but its not wrong. Everyone’s experience with grief is different and each day, moment, might be different. Different DOES NOT mean wrong.

So give credit where credit is due. 

Its not wrong to continue to live life and get sh*t done. I think sometimes I fall victim to guilt that I haven’t cried enough, or I’ve been too busy to stop and miss them. But really, I miss them everyday. I have just developed the ability to continue to go about life, get things done, and work towards goals, all the while continuing to love and miss them all.

I think its important to note that we are capable of feeling several realities at once. We can be completely heartbroken AND simultaneously feel completely strong and accomplished.

I work full time

I’m a grad school student

Secretary and negotiations rep for my union

Governor for my sorority

Workout everyday

Do the upkeep for my house (i.e. yard work, grocery shopping, cooking, other adult thangs)

Take care of 3 fur kiddos (Moo-13, Kona-11, & ‘Ula-7mo)

And most importantly, spend time with my loved ones <3

I’m a list person.

Doesn’t it just make you feel accomplished when you look at a list of things you’ve accomplished? Or vice versa to cross all the ‘to dos’ off your list lol. I’m sure its not just me!

My main point is that I realized I’m not numb, I’m resilient. I do cry and it doesn’t take much to make me cry, but I realize I don’t cry for long. I guess I’ve developed the ability to refocus and recognize little things that I’m thankful for, that make me happy. A positive redirection of my thoughts, that allows me to be sad and miss those that I love, but I also recognize that I am still happy and love life. Keep in mind that how much, how often, or if we cry at all is not some component or measurement of strength OR weakness. Each of us has our own path and way of dealing/coping with life.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

I just want to say to anyone who is going through it, who feels tired, who wants things to ‘go back to normal,’ who just does not feel inspired, you are NOT alone. Just know that you are not defined by these feelings. They do not make you and you are so much more than that. You are doing so much, each day, that deserves applause, recognition, and a virtual high five. You are doing LIFE and that is more than enough. YOU’RE LIVING IN A F*CKING PANDEMIC! Take the time to give thanks and recognize all the good you do, all the things you accomplish each day. Stop comparing yourself to others. You can be both tired, sad, unmotivated AND thankful, joyous, successful, and happy.

Hi Mama Jo,

A big part of me is still in denial. My whole life I always thought I was so lucky to have more than one mom. To have a whole other family that helped raise and love me. I love when people get confused when they learn I have cousins that are Mexican. 

You are such a big part of who I am. You helped raise me and looked after me. You always took us swimming at the community pool, put melted cheese on my broccoli, taught me how to make Kool-Aid, referred me to new hairdressers, helped me clean my apartment when I moved in college, invited me to all the family gatherings (pre-COVID), always checked up on me, came to all my graduations, and loved me unconditionally. 

When Mom died, you were one of my silver linings... I still had my Mama Jo... 

You fought a lot in life and worked hard to get where you were. You overcame so much... even cancer... and always loved everyone so whole heartedly. Thank you for blessing me with the knowledge I have, the love I received, endless support, and family. 

Not everyone may understand it, but it need not be explained. You’re my Mama Jo and I will always be your baby girl. I’m sure you’ll look after all of us. Love you.

Always,

Sometimes, when life has thrown SO MUCH at you, when you feel battered and broken... sometimes all that is left are hope, love, and determination... or at least that is all I have left.

I don’t want to start the year off on a “bad note,” but this holiday season has been cruel... there’s a C word for you... Yes, of course there were good moments and I have so much to be thankful for... but the season has been cruel none the less.

I honestly have been avoiding really processing what is happening... denial of course... fear of jinxing it, hope, luck, a miracle... whatever you’d like to call it.

I think I also have just been tired... too tired to really answer when someone asks, “How are you?” Because really? I’m not so okay... I haven’t been for a long time...

***So some background***

In early 2020, my godmother, Josie (Mama Jo), had started complaining of groin pain. I advised her to consult her doctor to get it checked out. Based on what she told me and my previous knowledge in women’s health, I thought it might be an ovarian cyst. These are quite common and can cause discomfort similar to what she described. Her doctor’s first diagnosis was possible muscle strain... prescribed her some medication, rest, and sent her home...

The pain persisted and worsened over the coming weeks, so I told her to advocate for herself and have her doctor investigate further... The issues with the American healthcare system.... But lets not get into that right now...

By this time, March 2020, the COVID pandemic was hitting California and we were forced into shelter in place.

Her doctor finally ordered some tests and found an extremely large mass, about 20cm in diameter... She was immediately scheduled for surgery. You can kind of see where this is going... In surgery they removed the mass with some difficulty and we were informed...

... the big C... not COVID... Cancer...

No one could be with her in the hospital after her surgery, we couldn’t visit when she had to stay extra days to recover... but we could speak to her and see her posting on facebook. She was doing okay and surgery was “successful.”

Ovarian cancer is in the top 5 cancer deaths among women and accounts for more deaths than any other female reproductive cancer... Now the reason for this is usually because there are little to no symptoms and when it is diagnosed, it is usually a late stage... In a way, we were blessed Mama Jo was experiencing pain. Her cancer was discovered at stage IIA, meaning she had some spread within her reproductive system, but none to neighboring abdominal organs or lymph nodes... good?

So the next step was chemo. Another C... interesting...

First infusion & cutting Mama Jo’s hair.

She was scheduled for a total of 6 rounds of chemo. Each round consisted of 1 appointment every Friday, for 3 weeks. 1 week of 2 drug infusions, and 2 weeks of a single. In total, 18 weeks. She handled it like a champ. Luckily she didn’t experience the extreme and awful symptoms, until her last round...

She started to feel the effects more and more as the chemo had gradually started to break her down. Finally, after about her 16th infusion, the start of the final round, her electrolytes were imbalanced, she needed a blood transfusion for low hemoglobin, and she was extremely pale, clammy, and easily fatigued.

Some STATS: currently the difference in mortality rate for ovarian cancer from 3 rounds (9 weeks) of chemo to the full 6 rounds is roughly 2-5%... Doesn’t seem like much when you consider the damage and side effects those 9 extra weeks cause... but that extra percentage is still a better chance... If patients experience more side effects after the first weeks, the doctor will stop treatment after 3 rounds...

Mama Jo made it through 5 complete rounds of chemo. Her initial scans were clear and we just needed to wait a few months for more follow-up scans.

She did it.

And in the best fashion, with THE BEST attitude. She has always been a positive person. You can always count on her to cheer for you, encourage you, and love you deeply. If anyone could make it through the big C, it was her... and she did!

So here we are... in the middle of another wave of this COVID-19 pandemic, living in the San Joaquin Valley, where hospitals are overflowing, COVID cases have rapidly increased, and COVID related deaths...

Friday, December 18th, Mama Jo, got tested for COVID-19. She had been symptomatic for a few days prior and scheduled a test to confirm. Her symptoms were very typical to COVID: upset stomach, diarrhea, cough, shortness of breath, body aches, etc. Mama Jo also has a long history of terrible asthma that is routinely exacerbated by changes in season, allergens, poor valley air quality, and illness...

She was positive... COVID-19... another C.

She was at home and on a regimen of several asthma medications, steroids, and regular breathing treatments to decrease her symptoms. Her oncologist saw her diagnosis of COVID and suggested she go to the ER if she continued to have symptoms... which she did... and finally, via ambulance, went to the hospital.

And that is where she has been... through Christmas and New years... She has run through all the treatments, transferred facilities, undergone all the tests, a slew of infections secondary to COVID... and here we are.

Part of me feels angry... part of me feels numb.... I move through the day knowing that I have to...There is nothing I can do, but trust that she is in good hands...

Hello 2021.

I’ve been tested. SHE has been relentlessly tested... we’ve all been tested in some way, shape, or form... I’m so done... and in those dark moments, sometimes all I want to do is give up... throw my hands in the air and say “FINE! You win!”

... and then... after my inner turmoil has had its opportunity to cry it out... after the water has settled... things become more clear... my inner voice... that voice deep... DEEP inside that speaks to you, keeps you going, motivates you, and sometimes kicks your ass in gear... well... she says I will be okay...

I have been through some great awfuls... but life will continue on and I will be OKAY because if there is anything I’ve learned from my Mama, from my Mama Jo, from everyone I’ve ever looked up to and been inspired by... its that I CAN do anything and I am so much stronger than I ever fathomed.

Can... another C.

So this is me... just leveling with you all. So much has been taken... but if there is anything I’m going to hold onto... its my hope for the best, my love for all those I care about, and my determination to continue... another C...

She’s the real champ... “C” what I mean? ;)

Christmas 2018?

Easter 2019?

Thanksgiving 2019

Christmas 2019

Summer 2020

Mama Jo,

I know you can’t read this just yet, but I love you so much!

Love,

Your baby girl

Warning: This post will not be nice... well for the most part... so if you don’t want to put a damper on your holiday spirit please exit the page and read at a later date and time...

If you know you know...

Honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take... I can’t say that “2020 sucks” because my problems started well before 2020... but if I had to rate all the years of my life, this hasn’t been my favorite.

Now, I can spin this both ways because this year taught me a lot... I met and got closer to some of THE BEST people I know... but this year also has been hard and continually shows that just when you think things couldn’t get worse... they can. I know life is life... Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to why things happen... Bad things happen to everyone... At least in my humble opinion. I am not really a person of faith, so I don’t really attribute these things to “the man upstairs” or to some divine plan... Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy for those who live by faith and that faith can help them get through the lows of life... That just isn’t me.

*sigh*

The end of the year is hard. Their birthdays, the holidays, a new year... another reminder that life moves on and we will continue to live without them. Has it really just been just over a year? I can’t really form any eloquent thoughts today. I just felt like I needed to let some things go... so here is a little nod to all those who might be feeling a little less than jolly this holiday season...

Dear whoever you are...

Life feels like it sucks sometimes doesn’t it? Like we are stuck feeling like we have to smile all the damn time because society and the holiday season says so... Like we need to be social, loving, cheerful, and bright... like all the holiday songs say... Well... fuck that... You can feel however the hell you want. Its your life and to be honest, life isn’t always cheerful or bright. Sometimes life is a complete asshole who keeps slapping you in the face, or holding your head under water without a moment to come up for air. Life likes to test us... and we all are being tested a little extra this year... So if you’re feeling a bit of anxiety because you’ve been stuck in your home... or you are scared to go to the grocery store... to work... to see your loved ones... I feel you. Your feelings are valid... This shit SUCKS. We can’t always be 100%. We are human and we aren’t perfect. So this holiday season and this Christmas, if you don’t feel totally awesome and if you don’t want to get out of bed.. if you would rather just quarantine, not shower, not brush your hair... go for it! COVID has given you the perfect excuse (not that you ever need one) to just feel your feels and do what you do. To be honest, I’m being a hypocrite because I will do the holiday things and put on smile... I can compartmentalize. I can be in the moment and soak up every ounce of joy I can from it.. but I will come right back home and feel like complete shit sometimes. Anyways, if you’re feeling totally awesome this season, all the power to you! and if you’re feeling a little less than excited, just know, that I feel you, I see you, and most importantly, you are loved.

“Happy Holidays!”

I think I’ve been avoiding you... But just like all emotions we try to avoid, they eventually find a way to meet the surface... Either that, or they break through with great force. 

I’m surrounded by the holidays. I’ve been watching all of the sappy holiday love movies on Netflix, which I’m sure you would love to binge watch on a Sunday with me while we eat popcorn...

I miss you... every single day...

It was weird going to the mausoleum on your birthday. I wonder if it will always feel like that... I’m sort of envious of the people who can go visit their loved ones, have full on conversations, and feel like they’re connecting in some way. Maybe one day? For now this is it...

One year, 2 months, and 17 days...

Sounds like such a long time when I lay it out like that... but it also sometimes feels like no time at all... Sometimes I wonder if my moments of happiness are simply denial. I feel the occasional grief guilt about being happy... I’ve been told that is common. 

Is not crying often a bad thing? 

Is it okay to feel happy?

Is the happiness some big cover up, band aid, to shield me from the sheer weight of my grief?

Am I packing on all these responsibilities and duties to keep me busy and help me avoid thinking about the pain?

I know, I know... This is a “normal” phenomenon that individuals experiencing grief may commonly feel...

I actually had a brief patch of what I think were nightmares... I say I think because I can’t remember the dreams, but I was breathing weird (crying?) and sweating when I woke up a few nights. That was coupled with a few nights of crying before bed as flashes of some of the worst images seemed to haunt me when I closed my eyes...

Anyways... Where was I? The holidays... Thanksgiving is in a week.

I made the parker rolls for the first time. It was fun and also sort of emotional. You’re the only person I’ve ever made them with, so there’s obviously a lot of sentiment for me. I hope you saw and I did you proud! <3

*sigh* The holiday season really isn’t the same without you... Its weird not having this automatic assumption of what the plan is... No more prepping this whole elaborate meal with you and helping you around the kitchen all morning... No more moments of you looking over my shoulder and inspecting how I’m chopping the veggies... or how much milk I’m adding to the mashed potatoes... of you reminding me over and over not to forget something I put in the oven and me reminding you, “I have a timer set”... or me laughing at you fighting the urge to comment and control the whole symphony of meal preparation.

You are a control freak (lol) and I love you for it.

I’m really questioning if we’ll ever have decent turkey again... I’m thinking of attempting to make a small one for fun and for practice. Of course I’ll utilize all the things I’ve learned from you over the years: stuff with oranges, onions, and other aromatics, cook breast down for majority of the cook time to keep them moist, use an oven bag and then finish uncovered with frequent basting to get that crisp and flavorful skin, and of course the key to any thanksgiving dish/turkey/meal... BUTTER LMAO. You used SO much butter, salted of course. Extra flavor.

The holidays will never be the same, but as with everything I have learned over the last year... there is always a lesson to be learned... something positive we can take away... reasons to be thankful.

I’m sad things aren’t the way they used to be... That people have lost site of family and togetherness... That people take for granted the time we COULD be having together... but I’ll focus on what we DO have and all the love.

Life is not the same... but that doesn’t mean life isn’t good, or great even... I think its okay to say that... It feels weird to think that a world without you in it could be great... but its not that its great because you’re not in it... its great because I’m carrying your spirit with me and making the best of the cards life has given me.

Well Mama, lets see how this next week goes... I’m sure you’ll be keeping a watchful eye. Send all the best vibes to our loved ones since we can’t all be together... COVID...

Love,

Your daughter

P.S.