milo! they/them! mainly here for 9-1-1/buddie, but will occasionally like/reblog critical role stuff, as well as post about my own d&d adventures + other things (like heated rivalry)! :-]
Okay, so like 1st post ever! And it's going to be a theory for what I think our devious GM has planned.
So we have just learned that the memory threads can be stitched back into the person who lost their memories, where they will regain them.
THIS IS IMPORTANT B/C SEBASTIAN (aka ex God of War) WAS ERASED FROM EXISTENCE. The only people who know what happened and who this is are those who slew him. And we know that those very heroes had their graves robbed.
So what if the big plot is to use the memory threads to stitch together Sebastain back together or even create a newer, and scarier enemy? Like Frankenstein's Monster-esque.
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eek! session 11! i'm back! we're back! with 11 pages (haha) of notes! this session was like. 3 months ago. i do not want to talk about it, let's just get into the thing because this shit was INSANE.
here are some quotes from session 11 of my d&d campaign that i found particularly interesting, and my thoughts on them!
"I'll never make anyone play a game in my club." - Earlyle Vhonus
you read that name right folks- this motherfucker (lovingly) is headmaster huxthane vhonus' younger brother!! literally what are the fucking odds lol. on the bright side, we're not gambling with our souls and he's actually a considerate guy that won't allow people to gamble in his club if they need the money for necessities! however, i don't think i could get the thought out of my mind during this whole interaction that huxthane is... essentially ~80% incoherent due to a member of our party sucking part of his soul material from his body. i think we've just. decided not to tell earlyle for now-
"It's not like we haven't been used as tools for HOG, is this really any different?" - Bonny J. Travesty
dare i say bonny has a point,, but hey! it's fine! going with earlyle's group in this whole situation was probably our best option considering some pretty glaring red flags in the necromancers (known from our personal experiences) and the druids (information we are told from earlyle and his personal experiences).
"I don't know you people, but I do know that luck is on your side." - Earlyle Vhonus
such a bar i can't lie. honestly, he's put a lot of faith in us considering the fact that we're pretty much strangers to him and to the city, but if he knew we took down that major operation in hyperion and got rid of two extremely powerful necromancers,, i think we'd earn some points lol
"I understand your inhibitions, but I must request to use your church tomorrow." - Father Enoch, to Priest Worley
"You are a divisive man, Enoch... I won't stop you, but just know that I fear for our people." - Priest Worley
it's the way we only picked up on this interaction because we were passing through the area to go to an inn in that part of the city- worley you have every fucking right to worry, that man cannot be trusted. and, the fact that enoch and worley are priests of the same religion but have such differing views to the point that one of them worries about what the other's influence will do to their followers,,, it's called twisting scripture to fit your personal agenda i fear!!!
"I don't know what's going on with you, but we're going to be alright." - Temerity Hellebore
"I trust you." - Bonny J. Travesty
bonny still feeling the guilt of whatever is going on with elysia, and now having to avoid people that she clearly knows from her past,,, girly!!! my heart breaks for you!!!!
"I thought I told him not to be fucking stupid." - Bonny J. Travesty
CALLBACK. EEK. I'LL TALK MORE IN DEPTH ABOUT THE CONTEXT OF THIS UNDER THE NEXT QUOTE GROUP BUT THE AFTERMATH OF BONNY TELLING BUTCHIE ABOUT ELYSIA AND THAT HE CAN'T BE RECKLESS........
"Are you good?" - Bonny J. Travesty
"Doesn't matter." - Butchie
so. butchie drank waaay more before we officially left earlyle's underground club but didn't tell anybody, then while on the way to the inn he puked due to the alcohol poisoning. hey. HEYYY. what if i said that i was going insane about this and that maximilian also felt like she was looking in a mirror when this was going on. which reminded me of all of the party's mirror dreams. GODDDDD.
"What's gotten into you? Is it just the alcohol?" - Temerity Hellebore
"It's probably not helping." - Bonny J. Travesty
sigh. SIGHHHH. temerity the perceiver. the way they speak to each other has been slowly shifting. hashtag noticing!!
"I know too many of these people, and I really don't want to fucking be here." - Bonny J. Travesty
this is literally the realest shit anyone in this game has ever said so far. me in my hometown actually. i understand you, bonny, in a way.
"If it means anything, you're more fun." - Bonny J. Travesty
"And that's saying something." - Temerity Hellebore
genuinely. GENUINELY. all i can think about is that bonny cannot speak lies. trust me when i say that i will never not bring this up. no one look at me. i can't handle this. (listening to mitski while writing this post was an awful idea.)
"You know a lot, Temerity. Can I ask you something?" - Bonny J. Travesty
"Yeah, you can." - Temerity Hellebore
"Why... why Honey?" - Bonny J. Travesty
"It was someone's name. Someone I lost. Hearing it... it makes me feel like I've lost control of what's happening." - Temerity Hellebore
temerity :-[[[[ we arguably know the least about your backstory, and this is genuinely heartbreaking. all we know is that you've got like. fae in your family tree somewhere if i remember correctly. and that your family has a huge estate near the bone museum. need that hashtag lore drop.
"You have my word, if it means anything." - Bonny J. Travesty
"It does." - Temerity Hellebore
"if it means anything" is going to start haunting me if bonny keeps saying it. her saying it twice (twice!! more than once!!) because she doesn't think what she says to people means anything!!!!! what if i died!!!!!!
"They are trying to disprove me, in a way, and I'm tired of the debate." - Bonny J. Travesty
...
"You're real, you're here, you're you, it'd be bad science to say otherwise." - Temerity Hellebore
BARS BARS BARS. I LOVE TRANS PEOPLE HAPPY PRIDE MONTH TO THE FICTIONAL QUEER PEOPLE IN OUR COLLECTIVE THEATER OF THE MIND. like i literally have nothing to say other than that this entire conversation was just soooo. ugh. temerity being like "you're real to me" like injeeeeect thaaaaat. if you're not validating the existence of your trans characters in this political climate then what are you even doing. get real.
"I think I just found something that he lost. And somebody I wished to lose." - Bonny J. Travesty
talking about butchie and elysia here,,, god can i PLEASE know a crumb of lore. a crumb for poor little me.
"Should I be worried?" - Bonny J. Travesty
"No, just fae politics, probably." - Temerity Hellebore
DUDE the official reveal that bonny has been cursed by elisha, the fairy that we've seen and talked to before back in hyperion. i (and i'm sure everybody else) came to this conclusion a bit ago but it's great to get it confirmed i can't lie. also, temerity's "probably" made me giggle.
"I'm here to fix things." - Melbris
...
"I hope the thing you're trying to fix is the same thing I'm trying to fix." - Maximilian Kurshahn
THIS FUCKING GUY OHHHH Y'ALL. did NOT expect him to pop up in the campaign, but i absolutely love that he did. though... half of his face has been withered since the last time maximilian saw him... so that's not great...... but!!! he says he has to talk to maximilian about something!!! everybody knows how information-hungry maximilian is so this is great.
"I don't think people like me, right now." - Anemoia Basalt
...
"It might look like we're angry, or upset, but we're just afraid." - Butchie
anemoia :-[[[[ we love you so bad, our characters are just clashing and things are so scary right now because of so many unknowns. you are near and dear to my heart.
"I trust you, okay?" - Anemoia Basalt, to Butchie
AUGH. THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY.
"I'm used to not sleeping in a bed, if that makes sense." - Anemoia Basalt
"So is it... comfortable?" - Butchie
"It's not uncomfortable?... It's quite homey, it makes me feel safe." - Anemoia Basalt
anemoia sleeping in their shell instead of in one of the beds in the inn because it makes them feel safe :-[[ that's so cute but honestly so real, i feel like i'd be doing the same if i had a shell. then i wouldn't have to spend money on a bed and i'd have a lot more space to work with in my bedroom. gah. curses.
"You've been to events like this. You know what's coming." - Our GM, to Bonny J. Travesty
headed to father enoch's event in the church the following morning.... y'all this was TENSE. like of course they pulled from real-life religion when creating this fictional religion, but the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up dawg-
"Our Mother of Death
Sanctify you we shall
Impure for slaughter (lamb to none)
Your sacred daughter (your sacred son)
To transcend is to be whole
Give us this day, a day to surveil
And tally our trespasses
As we tally our trespasses to reach enlightenment
And we become witness to our temptations
So we may take ourselves from evil
Our Death." - Wistan Saviors Prayer
i had to include the prayer in this post because the thought and time put into this... genuinely peak. like goddamn.
"The way we live is at stake... we must preserve our faith... this requires sacrifice." - Father Job
...
"We do not see eye-to-eye with the Coterie. In many ways they are opposites to us. But they are willing to let our faith exist." - Father Job
...
"A soul that does not seek to protect itself is suicidal." - Father Job
first of all. fuck this guy. second of all. crazy work that, despite necromancy being something that your religion quite vehemently rejects (because the goddess you follow is the goddess of death), you still choose to fuck around and ally with the necromancers anyway. this just further proves my point that enoch is doing this shit for his own personal gain and personal agenda and is twisting things around so they make just enough sense for people who aren't paying that much attention or thinking that deep about it. ohhhh don't piss me off.
"Tradition will prevent man from twisting your purity into something radical." - Bonny J. Travesty
...
"Job will leave you just as he left me." - Bonny J. Travesty
...
"Death becomes us. do not forget this." - Bonny J. Travesty
AGAIN i wish i'd gotten more of this whole speech down but BONNY YOU WERE SO COOL. going up in front of everyone in that church with the knowledge of the religion you grew up in to speak out against those two manipulative FUCKS. love you bad for this.
"I think your father stands. Looking at you. He doesn't know how to react." - Our GM
"I don't think Bonny does either." - Bonny J. Travesty's Player
mmmm just juicy shit i loved this little description. job seeing bonny and possibly realizing who she is (if he hasn't seen her like this before now) and him having to reckon with the emotional turmoil. bonny also not knowing how to react either, but still standing there and looking at him anyway. the visuaaaalll y'all walk with me.
"See! They will leave you! They have nothing to say on this! They will leave you!" - Bonny J. Travesty
enoch and job leaving and proving her point!!!! like come on at least try and refute her speech!!!! well you really can't. but you should've at least tried!!!! it would've been really funny!!!!
"I think you've made an impact on the people here today." - Priest Worley
"I hope so. I desperately hope so." - Bonny J. Travesty
me making this post a few months (and sessions) later and knowing what exactly the type of impact she makes... or at least part of it.... genuinely just beautiful.
"It hits Bonny, just how lonely this place is when it's vacant." - Our GM
again! the visual described in this scene at the end!! bonny standing at the pulpit, hotel scripture in hand, then walking down the aisle and dropping it into a trash bin before walking out. literal cinema. need to see it on my local theater screen PRONTO.
when hollanov are both centaurs ilya still tells each of them "i love you" when they leave the ice and then gives shane a very professional "good game"
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Shane: I thought I was bisexual because I have a lot of reverence for women.
Shane: Now I know that's the gayest thing you can have. Straight men don't like women.
Shane: There were truly eight years of time where I was going "I have to be bisexual because I'm attracted to men, but I love when a film has Rose Landry."
Shane: Fret not, I've sorted it.
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They had talked about telling close friends. Shane was thinking about telling Hayden, and Ilya had tossed out Cliff’s name to have someone to consider, but he hadn’t actually been planning to tell anyone. It felt like too much to admit and, as much as he tried to hide it, Ilya was scared of the reaction. He only had the rest of this year left in Boston, why could he not just finish strong with the same lies he’d started with?
Marlow was in Ilya’s hotel room after an away game. They had practice the next morning before their flight, so most of the older players had headed to the hotel instead of out on the town. Ilya had the tv turned to a movie channel, paying only vague attention to the Star Wars movie that flickered by as he waited for Shane’s text that he was back at home from his game that evening. At the commercial break, Ilya turned the tv to mute and let his head loll back against the head board, analyzing the aches left over from the game.
Marlow’s voice was low like a confession in the quiet room but it still surprised Ilya, “What if I’m not cut out for a real relationship?”
Ilya’s head turned to see Marlow’s expression, ready to laugh, but he found a look of true concern on his friend’s face and recalibrated. “What do you mean, Marley? Have you tried?”
Marlow sighed, sounding more defeated than Ilya had ever heard. “I mean— yeah? I think so? But I don’t even know, man. This is the third girl I’ve tried to get serious with in the last six months. And it’s only been a couple weeks but I can feel it slipping away again. I just don’t know how to fix it. We’re always on the road and I guess I’m a shit texter but even if I wasn’t— who wants to deal with a schedule this fucked?? But I’m 30 and I keep going to clubs like my dream girl will stumble drunk into my arms and surprise me with a happy ever after. I just don’t think it works that way.”
Ilya wasn’t sure what to say, or even if he was meant to say anything at all. Clearly this had been eating at Cliff for a while, and Ilya wasn’t even sure this was something he was qualified to discuss.
“Being 30 is not the end of the world, Marley. Your dick has not fallen off, and your face has not gotten any stupider.” Marlow huffed a little, but he had a smile on his lips. “There are lots of nice girls who would love to date a hockey player. Even St. Vic has had a girlfriend for several years! Clearly there is someone for everyone.” This actually drew a laugh, but Ilya was not done. “But maybe you should ask one of the guys who is married about how they got there? I’m not sure I’m the person to ask in this department.”
“I just thought…” Cliff started, but then paused, seeming to parse through a decision. “Well, you have been seeing that Montreal girl for all these years—“ Ilya tensed and started to defend himself, but Cliff waved him off. “I know, I know. But it seems serious with you two now, right? You aren’t taking girls home any more, and you’re always smiling when you check your phone. And I know I’m not supposed to know about her, but I just thought that if you had finally made it out of the hook up stage you might have some tips for me. I always figured you met her at a club or something, but you were always different about her than other girls.”
And suddenly, Ilya is torn. He had gotten permission from Shane to tell Marlow about them. Marlow clearly thinks that Ilya is in a committed, if secret and long distance, relationship and wants to know how he’s made it work. He tries to come up with a lie. A convincing one, not just a cheeky deflection, because his friend is being vulnerable and he doesn’t want to reject that show of trust. But then he lets himself imagine for a moment telling the truth. The relief of lying to one less person.
Before he has even really decided the words are out of his mouth, quiet but sure. “He is different from the girls I met in clubs.”
Ilya stops then, letting the words hang in the air as he can almost hear the gears turning in Cliff’s brain. He will start small, though it feels ridiculous to call coming out to an NHL player small. But Cliff had just explained how he saw Ilya’s joy about Shane. They were friends. Best friends, maybe. Could he really not accept that Ilya was happy with a man?
“How did you meet him?”
So it was that simple. There was a timid lilt to his tone that Ilya could recognize as unsteadiness. But he had acknowledged and continued. So here was the harder part.
“We met through the league.”
Cliff’s eyebrows scrunched as though trying to do complex arithmetic. When he didn’t add anything, Ilya pushed further.
“Did you ever notice that my Montreal girl was always in town when we played against Montreal?”
This was an admission, spoken with the hushed fear of a man on his deathbed. This was how the pieces clicked into place. All the smiles at his phone and the staring from the bench and the excuses to leave the hotel whenever they were in Montreal.
Cliff huffed in disbelief, “You’re in love with a staff member for the Voyageurs? Is he a trainer or something? A coach?”
Oh. Ilya hadn’t even considered a different conclusion, but it was true, there were actually lots of people who traveled with the team every game. Coaching staff, medical staff, media managers… and players.
“Something like that… He gets the schedule thing. Though I will admit, the only thing worse than one NHL schedule is two. I would not recommend this if you’re as bad at texting as you say. But when you find the right person, you figure out eventually that you have to make it work because not having them is worse than any compromise.”
Ilya can see that Cliff is looking at him now, really looking, as though seeing him for the first time.
“Do you think maybe he could come work for Boston instead? Cutting the scheduling down to half would at least help, and if he travels with the team in Montreal, he should be able to do so here too.”
Ilya smiled wryly, relaxing at Cliff’s obvious support. “I don’t know that he’d like Boston. Besides, there’s no way the pay cap would let us both pl—“
Cliff stiffened beside him and Ilya froze. He had not really planned on explaining further, but he had been so ready to joke about it that it had just slipped out. He wasn’t going to deny it though, so he just sat and waited.
Quietly, as though trying not to spook a bear, Cliff breathed “I thought you had a huge crush on Rose Landry. I was just sure that you two had secretly dated or something. I wouldn’t have ever thought…” he paused for a moment of consideration before continuing, “wait, was he fucking cheating on you???” There was a sudden measure of outrage in his voice as he spun to face Ilya.
The tension fell from Ilya’s shoulders for a final time and he started to laugh. It built and built until he was doubled over, laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. He only stopped when he saw Cliff’s face slide into hurt.
“Are you punking me, Rozy? I thought you were being serious about being with Hollander!” Marlow was upset for seemingly the first time in this crazy conversation and Ilya couldn’t allow that.
“No, no. I am not punking you. And he did not cheat on me. I was going to ask him out and he freaked out, ran off, and then started dating Rose Landry. I was furious and hurt, but it was not cheating. Not like that at least.” The hurt had slid back off his face, but Marley still seemed confused. “I just appreciate you being willing to defend my honor, though I think you did enough when you laid him out last year.”
He went chalk white, “Oh fuck, Roz. I could have killed your boyfriend! I wouldn’t have ever known!!! Holy fuck you would have killed me in my sleep!! I’m so fucking sorry holy shit please forgive me it was supposed to be a clean hit, we were just playing like normal!!”
Ilya laid a hand on his arm, “It’s okay, Marley. Shane’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong. It was shit luck. It happens. It’s not like I don’t check him during games too, and he seems to like me just fine.”
Cliff seemed to relax a little, though he still looked stricken with guilt. Ilya was distracted as his phone buzzed with a text.
Jane <3 : Home! Shower then snack then bed. Can you call in like twenty?
He smiled as he read it. When he looks up, Cliff has a peculiar look on his face. “I’m glad you’re happy, Roz.” Sincerity. Ilya doesn’t see that from Cliff often, but that’s clearly what it is.
Ilya’s smile stays on his face. “Thank you, Cliff.” He pauses for a moment, deciding there’s been enough seriousness for the night. “Now get out of my room I have hot NHL super star to talk to about very sexy hot NHL super star things you wouldn’t know about.”
Marlow chuckles as Ilya starts to shove him off the bed. As he grabs his phone and his shoes he tosses back, “Should have known it wasn’t a trainer. You always shoot for as hot as they come, and no one is as hot as Hollander.”
“No!! I am! I am hottest NHL star! He is second hottest, so I must aim below my level because no one is above me. Do not forget!! And do not tell anyone. This is secret only for friends and you will keep it so that one day I can set you up with third hottest NHL star!” Ilya gestures wildly at Cliff as he follows him.
“Isn’t Scott Hunter already taken?” Cliff asks, grinning as he opens the door.
Ilya makes a sound of disgust, ready to fling another comment, but Cliff is already slipping down the hallway, leaving him alone with a smile on his face and a weight off his shoulders.
I know we’ve talked about this before but the retroactive realization for Shane Hollander that Ilya has been his future husband the entire time must have sent that boy spinning. What do you mean I introduced myself to my future husband. What do you mean my husband was there standing beside me the day I got drafted. What do you mean I jerked off to thoughts of my husband on the most important day of my entire life up to then. What do you mean my husband took my virginity. My husband and I watched each other grow up. My husband and I fell in love for the first time together. My husband was my first ex. My husband has been the most consistent, sensual, irritating, understanding, solid, loving presence in my entire life. Since I became a man, the thoughts I have reached for to comfort myself or bring myself pleasure have been those of my husband. I memorized the moles on my future husband’s body before I fully understood the wants and needs of my own. My husband taught me how to pleasure a man by pleasuring me. The first person I willingly came out to was my husband. My friends have NEVER known me at a time in my life when I was not in love with my husband.
I am begging you all to understand what is happening during the Vegas bathroom scene.
the reason shane folds so easily is that he doesn't think he should be upset with ilya in the first place. if he's thinking about it logically—which he is trying very hard to do!—then he thinks ilya is doing the smart thing by staying away. that six months of no contact? the correct move! from Shane's objective perspective. but he's not obejctive about ilya. and he is upset. so then he's also upset with himself for being upset with ilya in the first place. because he thinks he shouldn't be! what the two of them have going on is a very bad idea! and if they talk about it at this point, the conclusion will be that they should stop. so they don't talk. because neither of them can walk away from the other. they are down horrendous and they don't. know. what. to do about it. because they cannot have a relationship. that is what they believe at the core of it. this thing between them is impossible. and yes, they are hurting each other, but they are also hurting themselves. and they know it! but they'll take what they can get! like everyone thinks it's just Shane taking what he can get from ilya, but it works both ways! ilya is also taking what he can get from shane.
I cannot stress this enough—by following shane into that bathroom, ilya. breaks. first. some of you are forgetting about the very specific nature of their situation and how impossible they believe it to be. they literally cannot see an alternative to what they currently have going on. and so the constant push and pull isn't just happening between them, it's happening internally. they are constantly, CONSTANTLY telling themselves to walk away. so when the other pulls back, they're like yeah! smart move, my man, I wish I had the strength! except neither of them can actually maintain that distance because neither of them really does have the strength. they are so catastrophically down bad! they are sick with the wanting. it is killing them. which is how they end up hurting each other and themselves so badly.
SESSION 10! DOUBLE DIGITS Y'ALL!! and 11 pages of notes (+ a couple lines of a 12th). oh we're so back. but also not at all because this session was SO stressful and all of our online dice were rolling SO bad (me rolling with disadvantage and ending up with a nat 1 and 2, for example...)
almost genuinely shit myself several times this session. you'll find out why.
lets get into it- here are some quotes from session 10 of my d&d campaign that i found particularly interesting, and my thoughts on them!
"How do you feel about your body?" - Our GM
"It's a tug of war between fascination and also disgust." - Bonny J. Travesty
THE DREAM SEQUENCES BEGIN. all including mirrors. all brutal and upsetting in their own right. they were all also pretty trippy? but i'll focus more on bonny's right now since it'd been first. the gender shit going on with this entire party is crazy- bonny's opinion of herself being contradictory and using a tug-of-war visual to represent it is just so fucking cool, in an objective sense. in an emotional sense, though, it has to be nauseating. to be enamored with the body you see in the mirror but also be disgusted with it possibly because it wasn't your choice to have it look the way it does?? also thinking of the idea of like. if she'd had a choice, would she have still chosen this body? how long has she been like this? would she choose to change back, if given the opportunity?
"How much control do you think Bonny has had over her life?" - Our GM
"She has never had a hand in any decision." - Bonny J. Travesty's Player
CONTINUING MY PREVIOUS THOUGHT PROCESS FROM THE LAST QUOTE. finding out later on during bonny's dream sequence that yes, indeed, she'd been forced to look the way she looks now, and that it's probably one decision in a long list of choices she hasn't been allowed to have her hand in making- this has me going absolutely insane. i've literally played a character just like this (rip abaddonix hale, my roman empire </3), and while i'm sure bonny's story is wildly different from his, it's still just like. ugh. bonny. i get you, in that way. you and abaddonix are separated by a campaign, years, and death, but he'd understand that aspect of your life.
"A scene starts to appear... homes made of packed rainbow sand... mangrove trees... every flammable material is on fire." - Our GM
anemoia's mirror dream... my heart was in my stomach. and i fear it never left. her seeing her home on fire and her family being slaughtered, but not being able to get through the mirror to save them?? and she spends the rest of the dream trying to break through?? it's so fucking over, actually.
"Maximilian. You fired too early. Not only did you hurt her, you hurt yourself. Why did you pull the trigger?" - Our GM
LET ME OUTTT OH IT'S STILL SO OVER WE'RE NEVER GONNA BE BACK EVER. venus, my beloved, being revealed in maximilian's mirror dream, but it's because maximilian shoots her?? with the stone she carries around?? if my fellow players didn't read these posts i'd be yelling more spoilers because i actually just can't do this shit y'all. and because maximilian hasn't seen her in a long time, it's the way venus looked back then?? i think i need to ask our gm if he hates me. this feels targeted. NO ONE talk to me about this. i'll burst into tears.
"It's like you're stuck perpetually in motion." - Our GM, about Maximilian Kurshahn
MY ORIGINAL WRITING FOR MAXIMILIAN BEING THIS EXACT THING. her being restless, relentless, impatient- constantly pursuing the truth and the answers she's been trying to find for a third of her life. this specific quote from our gm was of her trying to run to get through the mirror and get to venus, sure, but it's such an accurate description of her character as a whole. she could die and still keep chasing the truth, somehow.
"How does this version of Butchie look at Butchie now?" - Our GM
"The look in their eyes is concern for a friend." - Butchie's Player
butchie's mirror dream being younger versions of him looking at him now- this is literally what every trans person's either biggest nightmare or biggest wish is. to meet your younger selves and be faced with what they think of what you've become.
"If she looks at him at all it's sidelong glances... of course it would end up like this." - Butchie's Player, about a younger version of Butchie
this version of butchie not being allowed to look at someone "like him" was so upsetting, i can't lie. a younger version of yourself that was curious, but had to hide that curiosity for fear of persecution. avoiding any inkling of acknowledgement. goddamn.
"How does Butchie feel about this journey?... Does Butchie view himself any different?" - Our GM
"Underneath everything, he's still the girl that he was." - Butchie's Player
this is, genuinely, exactly how i feel about myself when it comes to my own gender and slow transition. like, yes, i'm changing how i look and how i identify, but i'm still the same little girl deep down, the same little girl that wants to find the good in everything, and believe everyone is truthful and kind. you could interpret this quote to be something negative, and butchie's player will have to let me know if he meant it that way, but i don't think still being that little kid deep down is something to be ashamed of. my thoughts on this are hard to articulate, but i hope this all makes sense lol
"Temerity, if you could describe... no. Actually, I don't think you can." - Our GM
could. we. just like. not? y'know, i think that would be kinda cool. maybe let's leave everyone alone, i think that's a good idea. i need to be hit with a hammer, because literally what the HELL was this?? this was traumatic temerity i'm so sorry dawg-
"You spend the rest of your dream running in endless mirrored halls, searching for a face that does not exist." - Our GM, to Temerity Hellebore
NOT EVEN TO MENTION THE FACT THAT TEMERITY THEMSELF HAD BEEN THE MIRROR IN THEIR DREAM?? ARE YOU FOR REAL?? adding on this dream sequence to the cliffhanger that was temerity getting a memory stolen last session has to be a hate crime. who do i need to call to get this man dealt with???
"Wait! I just wanted to give you something!" - Anemoia Basalt, to the two necromancers
...
"I'll take them and give them to them, just stop crying." - City Guard
anemoia just falling to her knees, crying in the street, because she had friendship bracelets that she wanted to give the necromancers that she tried to secretly follow- i love her so bad it's crazy y'all don't even know-
"I think they were on a date." - Anemoia Basalt, about the two necromancers
THE B-PLOT OF THE TWO NECROMANCERS BEING ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED?? I LOVE??? they were kissin' n shit. it was honestly really cute. i hope they're happy <3 but maybe quit with the necromancy business <3
"It's easy to talk a whole lot and not say much of anything." - Butchie
nothing much to say here other than i liked this quote and. yeah. bars. so true.
"And with a little practice, you can do that too." - Bonny J. Travesty
SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION AND SUBSEQUENT RESURRECTION, MIND YOU. we (maximilian and bonny) were literally disguised as necromancers in the middle of the literal draucus coterie headquarters (full of necromancers! btw!) and her wild magic just. decided to do that. it's funny NOW but?? in the moment?? literally how the fuck did we move on from this-
"Judas. You can call me that if I do anything to disappoint you." - Bonny J. Travesty, to Maximilian Kurshahn
can i just say. the events between the last quote and this one. SO MUCH. the leader of the draucus coterie having acrobats and dancers in his meeting room?? ELYSIA???? THE BEST FRIEND IN BUTCHIE'S BACKSTORY???? JUST IN A STAINED-GLASS BOX I THINK??? idfk i was tripping. i think my ears started ringing from shock. father enoch also being there too?? less surprising considering we heard about that last session, but still. also bonny's previous name being revealed because she has connections to enoch and his little group, which is how we were able to escape from that whole situation without getting our shit absolutely rocked. god BLESS. the dice were NOT on our side until that natural 20 moment. i'm still reeling from it. words can't properly express the emotional rollercoaster that happened. i still stand by my statement that the nat 20 was the universe telling us to get the FUCK outta dodge
"I guess you could say that luck was on my side." - Unnamed Individual
secret little underground bar teehee don't mind if i do!!! so excited for this considering the bar has ties to the newly ascended god of the universe (one created with one of the pc's in our last campaign, koschei you are so cool). love little secret codes that you have to learn in order to get into fun little places.
"Are you okay?" - Butchie
"Does it matter?" - Temerity Hellebore
...
"You too?" - Temerity Hellebore
"Yeah. It's hard to come back from learning something like that." - Butchie
oh :-[ it matters so much temerity :-[ temerity being the most recent person in the party to have a memory stolen from them, those emotions being fresh and raw, and seeing their party members be people that are living in the years-long aftermath of it. temerity now knows how those people feel, but they wish they didn't.
"She frustrates me, but it's not a new feeling to have someone not like me." - Temerity Hellebore, about Bonny J. Travesty
...
"You guys seem to argue better than you talk." - Butchie
"It doesn't feel like we've done much else." - Temerity Hellebore
update on the temerity/bonny beef... it's getting sad up in here, y'all, and it's about to get so much worse considering i'm typing up this post after playing session 11... also, flashback to bonny saying "and i like it when they look over at me" guys i fear it's so over (literally when have we ever been back)
"The girl I told you about last night... I don't remember what she looks like anymore." - Temerity Hellebore, to Butchie
this being the memory that was taken from them... can literally any of us queers get a win??? throwing up about this, actively
"Before. I need you to make me a promise, okay?" - Bonny J. Travesty
"Okay." - Butchie
"You... are... An Old Boar. More than that, you're her friend." - Bonny J. Travesty
"Whose friend?" - Butchie
...
"Ours? You're so important to all of us. We are your sole responsibility. Whatever you say, we will follow you like a deity, and we will die like martyrs. So promise me this. Please... promise me that you will not lead us astray. Don't be reckless like our past selves." - Bonny J. Travesty
[bless up from bulldog, butchie's player, for having a voice recording of this conversation so i can get put the quotes together with better accuracy] bonny being drunk as shit, crying about finding elysia with enoch and kalmere and having to tell butchie about it?? and making sure that butchie promises not to do anything drastic before bonny even tells him anything?? the entire visual of this conversation has me going so so so crazy.
"The moment you forgot her, she became intrinsically tied to whatever this is." - Bonny J. Travesty, about Elysia
"I know." - Butchie
this is the type of shit that i have no words in which to describe my feelings. we're not even aware of most of what's going on yet, but we know that we're all linked together in some fucked up way. and so are the people that our characters care about. god!!!! i love telling stories!!! and i love d&d!!!!!
"You were right to make me promise, but here's the thing... I'm not going to get any of you killed for someone I don't remember." - Butchie
"Good. I believe you. I trust you. I'm sorry." - Bonny J. Travesty
"Thanks." - Butchie
so many thoughts, here. the emphasis on him not getting any of us killed, but not including himself in that, is very apparent and i noticed that, sir. my other main thought being that bonny cannot willingly lie. her saying "i believe you. i trust you. i'm sorry" and knowing that these are genuine- it made me emotional then and it's making me emotional now, reading the quotes back-
"Thank you for telling me." - Butchie
"I didn't want to." - Bonny J. Travesty
"Thank you for doing it anyway." - Butchie
again. bonny being honest here. saying that she didn't necessarily want to tell butchie about elysia being in the draucus coterie headquarters, but possibly recognizing that she needed to tell him. telling him despite being afraid of him being "reckless like our past selves."
"It seems you've brought a motley crew in here, and I like to know my guests. Let's play a game." - Unnamed Bar Owner
JIGSAW IS THAT YOU?? no seriously though, literally what a thing to say to a group of strangers lmao. this was such a scary thing to end the session on, because?? game?? the way you propositioned us, it feels like we're about to wager our souls in a game of blackjack-
Sometimes you have to go do real-life things instead of pondering DnD, which sucks
But what makes it worth it is coming back from the real life things and returning to ponder the DnD things with a refreshed mind and perhaps new perspectives
My revivified ponderings are making me realize I can and should be FAR more evil, in particular regards to my wondrous players
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session 9!!!! guys holy shit!!!!! almost double digits!!!!! i'm so normal i swear. 7 pages in total for notes, but this tracks considering we immediately had combat at the top of session with those wack ass entertainers that i mentioned in my post about session 8 (shot those guys in the kneecaps (literally), you're welcome), but once we got to wisteria (!!!) my notetaking ramped up.
before we begin i would just like to point out that we had 10 individuals in the initiative order, and half of them rolled a 17. genuinely what the fuck-
anyway! we know what we're all here for! here are some quotes i found particularly interesting from session 9 of my d&d campaign and my thoughts on them!
"I wouldn't want to drag anybody- any pig- into that." - Bonny J. Travesty
so :-[ we're leaving poogie with hazen on their farm :-[ with the hog named lady parabellum that the entertainers had because she's apparently poogie's mom :-[ their reunion was SO cute but oh does it break my heart to leave our mascot behind. though, as bonny said, we probably shouldn't be putting poogie in danger by taking him to wisteria. will miss him badly but he's with his mom again and that's beautiful!!!!
"The way it has changed has been very consistent... changed, but nothing being innovated." - Our GM, about Wisteria
the way our gm was describing wisteria was very very intriguing to me- nothing new or innovative, purely patchwork. also the fact that they seemed to be trying to incorporate necromancy into everyday life in the city (skeletal servants helping rebuild structures, large golems made of bone carrying around produce). we, both as players and characters, don't know much about the conflict in wisteria other than it's between the draucus coterie (a group of necromancers), and the druids that follow the goddess of biotic life and ecosystem function, roushla, but currently it seems as if the necromancers are running the city considering they're guarding the gates and such. staying neutral, for now, until we learn more.
"We had them in our grasp, but you know how it is." - Unnamed Necromancer
by "we" i automatically assumed the druids?? that seems like the most logical conclusion here. definitely conflict still happening between the two groups, just by this alone but also by stuff that we saw going further into the city. we also find out while eavesdropping on this conversation that the druids have a wielder on their side now? i'm going back and forth between it being or not being emerson kantana, but, like i said, there were things we saw further within the city that heavily suggests that it's emerson. but who knows! guess we'll find out!!
"You can't expect to come home, a decade and a half later, and be welcomed with open arms... and besides, his ideas were terrible." - Unnamed Necromancer
now i need to know who the FUCK they're talking about here. tell me!! who the fuck are you talking about!!!! i'm a nosy bitch!!!!! ugh!!!!!!! [EDIT: gm corrected me that it's 'a decade and a half' not 'half a decade' !! whoopsie!!]
"Let's go to the bathroom, Bonny." - Maximilian Kurshahn
"I thought you'd never ask." - Bonny J. Travesty
this was fucking hysterical i just need to say that first. when these two interact it's actually some of the funniest shit on earth, and i need reasons for this to happen more often. and like, yeah, the innkeeper probably (definitely) thinks we had sex in the bathroom considering how long we were gone for, but like. what if we did? it's none of your business, that's for sure. it's not like maximilian would've left the place a mess, anyway, she cleans up after herself-
"But he doesn't exactly like people like him." - Unnamed Necromancer, about Kalmere and Father Enoch
NAME DROP: KALMERE. he was mentioned in the conversation from earlier, but his vibe is sort of further elaborated on here so i thought it better to discuss it under this quote instead. remembering my notes from a few sessions ago about father enoch leaving hyperion (with his daughter!!! augh!!!!) to go to Wisteria to discuss things "with the saviors" (the wistan saviors, long story) and i am not looking forward to seeing this guy next session considering our plan is to get anemoia to follow these necromancers to the meeting between kalmere (presumably the leader of the draucus coterie?) and father enoch. this quote has me Curious and Nervous both at the same time.
"I don't look longingly at myself in the mirror, that's weird and self-centered." - Maximilian Kurshahn
cracking the fuck UUUUP. maximilian was having a mini crisis (when is she not, though, let's be real) and zoning out while staring in the mirror and bonny is like. hey. what the fuck is wrong with you. DYINGGGG (credits to bulldog btw for this quote and the next set of quotes since i was roleplaying and not able to write down much <3)
"It's not like I do it all the time-" - Maximilian Kurshahn
"Think? Yeah, didn't figure you did." - Bonny J. Travesty
OHHH THIS DUO IS SO FUNNY. stubborn ass vs. stubborn (literal) ass. it can't get better than this.
"Lumen Academy is a wreck and a shell of its former self, so you can keep it for as long as you like." - Temerity Hellebore, to Butchie
loving and adoring them, always. but also this is like. actually sad if you think about it for more than five seconds. will elaborate under a different set of quotes because it makes more sense to with those, but just. ugh. gender studies duo. don't ever die. please.
"I know about grief, we are intimately acquainted." - Butchie
HEY. HEEEEEY. REF DO SOMETHING. REFFFFF THAT'S UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS DO SOMETHINGGGGG
"If you need me, I'm here." - Butchie
"Thank you, Butchie. I don't really have anywhere else to go, so." - Temerity Hellebore
OH. IT'S. SO. OVER. we know the least about temerity out of everyone else in the party, and just. this quote from temerity. nowhere else to go because they presumably have nothing to do with their family. but also nowhere else to go because the academy they were studying at and doing an internship for is currently not a functioning institution because the headmaster is essentially out of commission, the mayor of the city is gone, and everything is overall just in complete disarray. heart is hurting for this little (5'11) academic.
"Are you okay?" - Butchie
"Physically, yes." - Bonny J. Travesty
i. hate this. finding out that bonny considers herself a liability because she can't willingly tell a lie (for a reason currently unknown to us) and the only person she felt like she could tell was butchie. aka the only person she let listen in on her prophecy from somnesia. mhm. mhm mhm mhm. normal about this.
"I'm sorry I told you so late." - Bonny J. Travesty
"Don't be sorry, I'm just glad you told me at all." - Butchie
CLAWING AT MY SKIN. knowing she can't willingly tell a lie so this apology is GENUINE. AND EVERYTHING SHE EVER SAYS IS GENUINE. don't do this to me. i'm not ready to die.
"If you knew it made them uncomfortable, why would you bring it up?" - Butchie
"The only interactions we've had have been with anger. And I like when they look over at me." - Bonny J. Travesty
this is so actually the worst. whatever i said before about something else being the worst was a lie. bonny pushing temerity's buttons so they would look at her, in whatever way she could get it. in butchie's words, it's a very "middle school way to play it." sigh.
"I would give you some advice, but you've seen my bachelor pad." - Butchie, to Bonny J. Travesty
this is funny, yes. but it is also very sad just considering what we know of butchie right now. living alone. recently discovered that he'd been forced to forget his best friend. probably other shit too. ughhhhh
"If I asked, would it upset you? Would you answer?" - Butchie
"I would." - Bonny J. Travesty
i have in my notes a physical observation that bonny's player describes as something butchie would notice in this moment, that "she's been fiddling with the ring around her finger for this entire conversation." the fact that butchie makes sure to ask about asking her first before actually putting his question out there is so indicative of who butchie is as a person. he now knows that bonny cannot willingly tell a lie, so he's not putting her in a position in which the only option is to either tell a truth she might not want to confess, or stay silent (which, depending on how/what you ask, could be an answer in and of itself).
"No lost love?" - Butchie
"Not like yours. I don't think so, anyway." - Bonny J. Travesty
...
"But you still wear the ring?" - Butchie
"What am I supposed to do with it?" - Bonny J. Travesty
so, so many feelings about this set of quotes and the one right below this. bonny doesn't love this person anymore, hasn't for i don't know how long, but there's an apprehension (i hesitate to say fear because i don't want to mischaracterize her, but i think it might be) in getting rid of the thing that connects her to them. dare i say it has ties to her issues with religion, and her ties to father enoch and his whole group (i'm right, but i don't know to what extent, nor the details. we will see what happens. regardless, my heart breaks for bonny j. travesty).
"But if she found me without it, I don't know what I'd do." - Bonny J. Travesty
i lied again. when i said earlier that something was the worst, i temporarily forgot about this quote. this is in fact the worst. like actually awful. it's such a loaded sentence, and i will never get over it. i have a feeling that what goes unsaid here is i don't know what she would do or that she's scared that she knows what this person would do (using the word found i feel like is also very telling of the history and dynamic there).
"I was seventeen and it was dumb. But there's nothing I can do about it now." - Bonny J. Travesty
i actually hate this soooo much i hate it bad. feeling resigned to being tied to this person, this person you fear, for the rest of your life because of a decision you made almost a decade ago (if i remember her current age correctly) is so upsetting. hashtag fucking free her!!!!
"Every 'sorry' that comes from me is pure honesty." - Bonny J. Travesty
HEY. YOU KNOW WHEN I SAID THAT EVERYTHING BONNY SAYS IS THE TRUTH. SO THE APOLOGY FROM EARLIER WAS GENUINE. HEEEEEY. I'M GOING MENTAL. hashtag fucking free ME, actually-
"A twinge in your eye... but it doesn't wake you." - Our GM, to Temerity Hellebore
UMMM HI HELLO WHY DID BOTH TEMERITY AND I BOTH ROLL ABSOLUTELY DOG SHIT ON PERCEPTION DURING OUR INDIVIDUAL NIGHT WATCHES. WHO AAARE YOUUUU GET OUT OF OUR INN ROOM!!!!!! CREEP!!!!!!!!!! i can't think too hard about what memory was just stolen from temerity or i'll crash out. not to mention the fact that i cast see invisibility on my watch and don't end up seeing shit!!!!!! oh i can't do this. fuck everybody.
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