HOW VIOLENT HOPE IS

on reflex, they lean into luna’s palm, closing their eyes against the touch. they think, not for the first time, that there should be some sort of guide for falling in love with someone with a predetermined fate  ( maybe they could write it:how to love and lose and learn to breathe on your own  ———  step one: don’t forget the way she holds your heart in the palm of her hand ). they turn their head enough so lips can press against luna’s palm, a kiss lighter than air.  ❝  i love you.  ❞  it comes out quieter than they’d intended, muffled against luna’s hand. ❝  i love you, and i’m…  ❞ i’m sorry there’s nothing i can do. i’m sorry i can’t save you.  

❝  i’m glad for the time we’ve had.  ❞  (  step two: on the loneliest nights, remember that the stars in the sky can’t hold a candle to the stars in her eyes  ). ❝  it’s not enough time. but… i think even if i’d met you before this, it… it stillwouldn’t be enough.  ❞  they’d slay the astrals if it meant they could have just a little more time  ———  just long enough to put how luna makes them feel into words. but pleas and cries and anger are nothing compared to the power of destiny, and what they want matters little. they release luna’s hand, only to bring their own up, brushing their fingers against her cheek. ❝  i don’t regret it… i don’t regret being here. i don’t regret loving you, or how you make me feel, or… any of it.  ❞

they blink away the tears that threaten to spill, and lean in to touch their forehead against luna’s. ❝  you… you should know that the feeling’s mutual. you’re the most important thing in my life, and… ❞  (  step three: you could breathe before you met her; don’t let her last breath be yours, too  ———  they even out their breathing, force their nerves to calm  ).  ❝  and i’m never going to forget you, or how good you are, or everything you’ve done for me.  ❞  

shifting in so there’s nothing but a breath between them, sabine soon closes it lips touching once, fleetingly, to luna’s own.  ❝  i love you, ❞  it’s said softly, trailing into a whisper when they continue,  ❝  and i’m sorry. i’m sorry there’s nothing i can do to fix this. ❞  (  step four: accept your fate, because she accepted hers long ago; all you can do is nod, smile, and pretend as if it doesn’t tear you apart  ).

      but there was never time enough. not for one who waited for a fairy tale, for a ‘happily ever after’ that was lost somewhere with her castle.  ( somewhere there’s a story being written about them. somewhere it begins : once upon a time, you fell in love with someone who looked at you like you were more than a miracle. ) sabine says they love her and it’s the cruelest kind of truth. undeniable. it’s a promise neither of them know how to keep.

     ( there was no castle walls save for your arms. no roof except for your foreheads pressed together. ) what does it mean to turn a person into the one place you call home? what does it mean to know that home will stay standing long after those living inside are dead? ( hopefully, that someone else will live there, too. don’t forget your heart, sabine. it is so, so light ) it’s raining / she’s crying. either way salt water threatens to swallow her whole. “ i love you. ” call her a broken record. call her a woman who has only ever had love. “ don’t —— don’t apologize. for anything. ”

       “ i’ve never regretted a moment with you. ” and their lips are just a ghost over her own. ( and you’ll want to haunt her, sometimes. you’ll be afraid to be forgotten —— remember when they saw you for more than your destiny. that’s how you’ll live in their mind. ) she’d been an oracle before she knew the meaning of the word. been chosen before she’d been born and still her heart was held willing captive between sabine’s teeth. luna closes the distance once, twice, again as though she could memorize the curve of their mouth. as though she can carry it into the next life.

      “ you’ve... you’ve done so much for me. more than i ever could have asked. ” ( once upon a time, you fell in love with someone who reminded you that you were more than miracle. made you forget that miracle was all you could be ) if she had more anger in her heart maybe she’d curse the skies. maybe she’d turn her back on the path carved before her in immutable stone. but she is love. first and foremost and so she presses her mouth to sabine’s lips. ( and when you leave, you’ll leave the sheets folded. the dishes clean. the halls empty of your song. and maybe one of you will live happily ever after. ) 

❝  not recently.  ❞  her tone is light  &  airy, despite the underlying feeling of dread that’s been creeping up on her. she chooses not to focus on it, instead focuses on the feeling of luna’s lips against her skin, the press of fingers against her palm. there’s sadness there, too: sadness that seeps into the soft kisses and fleeting embraces, sadness so heavy that it threatens to snap the string holding them together. that, too, is ignored, instead replaced with the intense feeling of joy that luna brings her, replaced with the feeling of loving and being loved.

her hands curl around luna’s, calloused fingers holding a gentleness she hadn’t known possible until she’d met luna. oracle’s hand is brought to her lips, the kiss given petal soft. a smile touches her lips, but doesn’t quite meet her eyes. there are some things that needn’t be spoken: it’s not fair. i know, it’s not fair.

the edges of the smile soften, but don’t fade. ❝  if you’d like to tell me, though… i’m happy to listen. ❞

      she could have kept it light. tried to pretend that each day together wasn’t a narrowing window, wasn’t an end approaching far sooner than she wanted. ( she could beat the ground and curse the sky but what good would it do? what god still listened that would humor her follies? she knew this duty before she knew the way sabine made her heart quicken, after all )

     if she could carry memories into her next life it would be this —– the way their mouth lifts and the warmth she brings against chilled skin. it would be the way their proximity is a balm to injured nerves. lunafreya lifts free hand to cup their cheek and it’s almost too much. swallows the air in her lungs —– she could have counted each eyelash for how close they were. how close they never could be again.

     “ i’m happy to tell you. ” the words are heavier than she meant them to be. “ how much you’ve helped me. how much i admire your strength, your intelligence. sabine you ... you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. if i had more eloquent words i’d use them but —–  “

              “ sabine. ” her voice trembles more now. scourge is a sickness all may be rid of save her --- save the one which holds healing in her hands like hope. like it’s all she needs. tired is the smile which curves at her lips and she takes the other woman’s hands in hers. presses a kiss against knuckles which have seen more fight than any young soul should ( but then again --- what are they but old souls born into bodies strong enough to push on ? )

               oracle is tired. inside she feels her bones cracking, every darkness pulled from beneath the flesh buried in her own so others could shine. it wasn’t fair to fall in love when her end was spelled out in the stars. it wasn’t fair. but those weren’t the words she wanted to say. she needed something feather light, something soft ( like her mouth across sabine’s knuckles, like her fingertips pressed into her palm )

         ❝  i’m workin’ on it.  ❞  and really, she is  ——  but the words keep getting caught in her throat, threatening to come out jumbled  &  rushed, instead of the patient  &  adoring tone that she’d been practising in the mirror. she doesn’t recall it being this hot when the conversation started  (  is she sweating? she’s afraid to check )  and she wonders if luna feels even a fraction of the heat she does. the ring feels impossibly heavy in her pocket, and it’s with trembling fingers that she pulls it out, turns it over.  ❝  i’m, uh. you know that i’m in love… no, that’s awful. lunafreya, i’m… would you… that’s worse.  ❞  her face is undoubtedly flushed now, and she turns away from thatblue, blue gaze, her free hand coming to rub nervously at the back of her neck.  ❝  it was a lot easier trying to propose to myself in the mirror.  ❞

                today not one of those days --- restless energy clings to her bones until lunafreya dares to step outside her bedroom. chin up, shoulders back ( never would they see how this loss wore on her ) lunafreya makes her way to the library. the soldiers which dot halls may as well be statues for how little they move.

                though she is not alone once the library is reached. realization causes her to start --- sentry more human than the rest ( for a moment, mistakes them as human still ). pale hand flutters to her chest, blue eyes widen.

luna sweeps her braid over one shoulder with the tip of her practice foil, and sure, maybe it’s a bit of A SHOWY little move, but if she can’t be childish with her sister, who CAN she be childish with ? she rests her mask on one hip, salutes her twin sister, and SMILES. ❝ thank you for agreeing to do this, ❞ she says, suddenly, pausing before settling her mask over her face. her voice is muffled a moment later by the mesh of her mask when she says: ❝ i know we’re both busy, but it’s no excuse for us to fall out of form. ❞ freya can’t see her smile, but luna’s sure her twin can HEAR it when she speaks. ❝ ravus would have OUR HEADS if he found we weren’t practicing as much as we used to. ❞

REACTION MEME / accepting

☾ = being found shirtless .

           “ you must — “ manners forgotten in her worry, pale hand pushes at the heavy door. it had been all that stood between them and now ; now lunafreya saw why. a creature formed of corruption with intent to destroy armies with bare palm ( how she forgets when it wears a face once familiar to her ) she stays strong with the prospect of hope and yet... there is so much blood. she wonders which of it may be his --- if any.