nikkimerle

I don’t know what to do with myself without social media.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even post a lot. But I get sucked in on the endless and mindless scrolling. It fills up a lot of my lull time and has become my pacifier. 

When I look at my life now, I can say that it’s uneventful -- and I can’t even attribute that to me choosing to stay home. It’s the lack of things that I do at home because I am consumed by my doom scrolling.

One of the artists I follow said this on her vlog about disconnecting from social media for a month:

“Because I couldn’t find the new shiny thing on my phone, I started becoming way more interested in finding new things in my life that were interesting. It was almost like I was high on life. I became really interested in history and art history and other people's art career and I started becoming way more interested in things that I haven't done before and wanting to learn new things because yet again, I wasn't like I wasn't feeling overwhelmed  and like over stimulated like sensory stimulated by my phone.” 

this is what happened and how it changed my art practice, Fran Meneses

I don’t want to continue being the person who says “I just laid down this weekend” but I also don’t want to push myself to go out when I prefer staying in. I am paying subscription for YouTube and Netflix, but I rarely use it. I have new art supplies, but it feels so tiring to clean the mess afterwards. I’ve accumulated books from the past months (or years) but I say I haven’t got the time to read them.

I want to be bored, and not default to reaching for my phone to scroll on Facebook or Twitter. I want to be bored and enjoy films, series, and documentaries again. I want to be bored and create that artwork I pinned on Pinterest. I want to be bored and reach out for that book that’s been on my bedside table for months now. I want to be bored and do something that I loved. Manoush Zomorodi, author of Bored and Brilliant, said this in her TED talk:

“So the next time you go to check your phone, remember that if you don't decide how you're going to use the technology, the platforms will decide for you. And ask yourself: What am I really looking for? Because if it's to check email, that's fine -- do it and be done. But if it's to distract yourself from doing the hard work that comes with deeper thinking, take a break, stare out the window and know that by doing nothing you are actually being your most productive and creative self. It might feel weird and uncomfortable at first, but boredom truly can lead to brilliance.”

How Boredom Can Lead to Your Most Brilliant Ideas, Manoush Zomorodi

When it rains, it pours.

Yeah, I feel like I’m drowning.

It has been days (or weeks?) that I have had so much to think about daily. From broken phones, shifts in work schedule, sudden meetings, turned down applications, and now a problem with our internet connection, I’m just tired.

Also I can see my peers passing the bar exam today, which is an extra kick to the gut.

After calming myself down (just after being on the verge of tears), I opened a new tab on my personal Google sheet and added “I am thankful” and wrote down a list of things that I am grateful for.

I just paid for my laptop in full. I am done processing my passport. We were able to get our hair done after 2 years. We went out to eat and even bought doughnuts home. We have new art supplies. I am a top performer at work. I can still write this blog post even with a spotty hotspot from my Mom’s phone. 

It’s not all good. But it’s not all bad either.

I’m not saying we forget about the bad things -- I’m not one for toxic positivity. But there are a lot of things to be thankful for. And while it does not erase all the things I’m worried about, it does ease the pain.

A message from half a year ago. An email from your boss. Plans to start a business. So many things to do at work. So many things happening in life that you can’t take a break.

Any time these scenarios happen to me, I feel paralyzed. I’d rather not do anything and wallow in my anxieties. Fight or flight? You can say that I’m definitely a flight person.

And it’s exhausting to run away all the time.

But there comes a point in these moments where you are presented with the need to just fight through it. Maybe a deadline, a spark of inspiration, or just a drop of courage out of nowhere. You just confront whatever is making you anxious. It’s always the moments after that make me say:

Whew, It’s not that bad.

Haven’t opened that message a friend sent 6 months ago? Open it. Maybe reply. It’s not that bad. True friends understand.

Anxious to see what your boss is reaching out about? Read it. Accept it. It’s not that bad. Sometimes it’s nothing. Sometimes it’s an opportunity for improvement. You’re fine. You just need to continue being good at the work you do. 

Want to start a business but you’re afraid it fails? Just launch it. Whatever happens, you will learn a lot about yourself and about entrepreneurship. It’s not that bad. It’s going to be a good experience no matter what.

Can’t start working because you’re overwhelmed? Just write one sentence. Read one page. Do it for 30 minutes then stop if it’s not working. You can do it, it’s not that bad. Always do it one step at a time. Chip away the edges. You’re going to finish it for sure.

Burnout? You can take a break. The world won’t fall apart if you decide to rest. Rest is not a reward, it’s a need. You’re allowed to pause and not feel guilty. You’re allowed to disconnect. It’s not that bad. You can surely pick up from where you left off

Yup. It’s not that bad.

The moment you confront your fears and anxiety, there would be a release; a burden off your shoulder. Look forward to that moment and fight your way to it.

Congresswoman Maria Leonor Gerona-Robredo talking about her role as a legislator and change-maker makes me hopeful. Hearing someone in her position talk humbly about the experiences that shaped her as an ethical leader gave me hope for the generations to come.

During the session, Cong. Leni said a lot of things that made an impact on me:

“Good governance is not about the government alone.” Elected officials run the country, but remember that we voted them. We have to hold them accountable for decisions that they make. But we can’t demand accountability and do nothing on our end. Congresswoman Leni said, “Good governance is not about the government alone but how citizens engage with the government. You do not limit participation to elected officials only.”

“You must choose at times to do the right thing even if the road is rough.” My college buddies and I kid around about not telling people that we’re from UP. “Proud tayo taga-UP tayo, proud ba UP sa atin?” Because there’s always that pressure of being right, doing right, and being excellent if you’re from this school. The University’s motto is “Honor and Excellence”, which really made us fixate on being exceptional. However, as Prof. Winnie Monsod said in her lecture, “Honor first, before excellence. It’s not excellence and honor. It’s honor and excellence. And what is the fruit of honor and excellence? Is it not competence and integrity?” “Integrity needs a lot of work”, said Congresswoman Leni. But it is fulfilling to know that this will produce perseverance and good character in the future. I know that integrity will be much more difficult to keep as I leave the classroom and embark on the bigger world out there. But we have to remind ourselves that excellence and prestige mean nothing if there was no honor in reaching it.

“You cannot be bystanders.” “Your countrymen needs you. Anong gagawin mo after?” This statement struck me. Cong. Leni gave a great reminder and a call to action. What will I do after this? Would I be a mere audience listening to a talk? Would I want to only be knowledgeable in the theories and information about ethics in governance? Or would I apply these theories into action? It is a wake-up call for me to go back to what I should be doing; to what my responsibility is as a citizen of this country.

“What is it that you are passionate about?” I’ve been advocating for good governance and ethical leadership since I’ve attended Lead Like Jesse camp in 2011. I joined different movements and have been more socially aware since then. I attended national conferences that let youth draft bills that can be adopted in Congress. But most of the time, it’s hard to sustain the fight when you do not see results. But hearing Cong. Leni talk about what she was passionate about reminded me why I was doing what I was doing. Though the work is very tedious and it is hard to find people who share the same advocacies, I know that it is going to be worth it in the end. “Find something you are passionate about, otherwise, you won’t sustain it. It doesn’t have to be something big. It can be small, but you can make a great impact”, she said.

“What will we do with the storehouse of our life hours?” said the Camarines Sur representative. “Jesse is gone, but we are not.”

We are still here. We can still continue the legacy Sec. Jesse has started, just as it is continued by his dear wife. Cong. Leni, without a doubt, made a great impact in his short but well-lived life. Now, Cong. Leni Robredo is making a greater impact to more people.

Sec. Jesse's legacy should not stop with Cong. Leni or with his family and friends alone. It would be a disservice if we do not fight alongside them against corruption and ignorance.

We are here. We are bearers of the legacy he left. We are now given the choice to run forward with the legacy he gave.

I’ve always had trouble with focus and concentration. So when I became more consistent in finishing work within my shift, I excitedly told a friend about my progress. I was still doing extra 1-2 hours from time to time, but more days where I clock off on the dot.

“Hasn’t it been 30 days? It’s still not a habit?” said friend replies.

Well, there goes my confidence.

All our lives, we have the idea that a habit is created if you do it without fail within 30 days. After this period of time, it should be magically ingrained into our system and we would live our best lives.

If life was that easy.

While it is true that consistency is the key to life-long change, you have to give yourself space to make mistakes and to grow at your own pace.

When we build resolutions at the start of the year and miss a couple of days, we automatically think that it’s the end. We’ve fallen off the wagon so it’s going to be hard to chase that train again. It’s demotivating to start all over and people would see it as a failure to be consistent.

But we have to stop listening to other people’s opinions on our growth. We have to stop comparing ourselves to other people’s progress. Take notes and be inspired, but do not compare your journey to someone else’s.

How do we then come to terms with our personal growth? Is it measured by consistency? Dan Sullivan in his book The Gap and The Gain said:

The only way to measure the distance you’ve traveled is by measuring from where you are back to the point where you started, not from where you are toward the horizon. The horizon can’t be part of a real measurement of progress.

The way to measure your progress is backward against where you started, not against your ideal.

If you constantly look at what has not been done, you will never think you are progressing. But if you look at where you started and where you are now, you would see how far you’ve come.

Sarah’s Scribbles | sarahcandersen.com

On the otherhand, if someone disregards your progress, Sullivan writes this:

There’s a degree of manipulation in the world where other people want to interpret your experience for you. Once you allow someone else’s interpretation of your experience to be greater than your own, you’re permanently in The Gap.

People will say, “You didn’t have a very good day, did you?” and I’ll say, “How would you know if I had a good day or not?” I’m the only one who has a say regarding how good my day was.

Start measuring your progress by comparing yourself to yesterday’s you. If you did better, great! If you did not, tomorrow’s another day to try again. And if someone tells you otherwise, remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s wise words:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Have you written your goals for the year?

If you haven’t started yet, don’t worry! Allow yourself to create goals even if it’s almost the end of January. And if you don’t know where to start, let me share the steps I use in creating my goals:

Reflect on the things you want to improve. You can organize this in categories that you feel are important to you. I usually have 5 categories: Physical/Health, Mind, Career, Finances, and Legacy. Write everything you want to happen. Use “I will”. For example: • I will reach my financial goal this year. • I will create more art.

Rephrase this with an actionable step. Use the format “I am able to [action word] [frequency] [timeframe] to [achieve goal]”. Example: • I am able to save 1000php every month to reach my financial goal. • I am able to allot 1 hour every Saturday afternoon to create more art. Cliché but if you can make your goal SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timebound), it would be better. Don’t create goals that are beyond your current capability (for now). Try bite-sized goals and when you see what you are capable of, you can change it later on.

Record your progress. A tracker is a visual reminder of your progress. You can use sticky notes or write them down using a bullet journal. You can also use different apps for different goals. For example, I use Smiling Mind for daily meditation and Wallet for tracking my finances. You can also play around with Google Sheets or Notion if you want to go digital! Whatever medium you choose, the important thing is that you are tracking your progress.

Review your performance. I usually do this midyear and end of the year. But you can do it as frequently as you want to. The important thing is that you can measure your progress — from zero to present. Do some introspection and ask yourself these questions: • Was I consistent? What helped me do this? • If I was not as consistent, what were the reasons why?  • How can I streamline my goals so it’s easier to achieve? • What lessons did I learn in trying to achieve my goals? • What can I do better next year? • What goals should I keep and what should I not?

We think about goals and resolutions in black-and-white most of the time. It’s either an absolute "Yes, I did it!" or "No, I failed." — there is no in between! This leads to a feeling of guilt and failure which obviously isn’t encouraging. However, Mark Manson in his book the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck says:

Growth is an endless iterative process. When we learn something new, we don’t go from “wrong” to “right.” Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong. And when we learn something additional, we go from slightly less wrong to slightly less wrong than that, and then to even less wrong than that, and so on. We are always in the process of approaching truth and perfection without actually ever reaching truth and perfection.

We shouldn’t seek to find the ultimate “right” answer for ourselves, but rather, we should seek to chip away at the ways that we’re wrong today so that we can be a little less wrong tomorrow.

Last year, I focused on ten goals in total. These goals are categorized in 5 different areas: finances, career, health/body, mind, and legacy. Was I able to complete 100% of these goals? Quick answer: NO. Am I happy with my year-end results? A resounding YES!

In the grand scheme of things, one step towards a goal is better than no step at all. We pressure ourselves with having to be perfect that we dare not to make any type of action because we are afraid to make a mistake.

 From Show Your Work! by Austin Kleon, my “10th book” for 2021

 Just as an example, a goal I had last year was to read 10 books. It seems so little, but keep in mind that my goal last 2020 was to finish just one book. That’s how distracted and “busy” I was! So how did I fare this 2021? I read 9.3 books — 0.3 because I’m 2/3 away from finishing the last book to complete my goal.

I can mourn the fact that I was not able to do a 10/10 here. But I am just happy that within the course of the year, I was able to enjoy and learn from 9 (and a third) books. And I still have today to finish the remaining few chapters! The progress of reading 1 book few years ago to reading 9 this year is a total win for me.

365 days. 365 new possibilities. This is what the new year brings — a clean slate that comes with the hope that we’ll be able to reach our goals and be better versions of ourselves. So what is the first step?

 Write that goal.

 Tony Robbins says in his book Unlimited Power:

..less than 10 percent has written goals. Only a small percentage of people really live the life of their dreams. Why? It takes effort. It takes consistent action.

In a previous chapter, he also wrote:

What all this leads to is a simple, inescapable fact. Success is not an accident. There are consistent, logical patterns of action, specific pathways to excellence, that are within the reach of us all.

So write that goal down. Reach it or fail it, it doesn’t matter. Take a tiny step to progress and see it become leaps in the future.

The filing of candidacy for the 2022 Philippine elections will be closing tomorrow. We’ve seen numerous politicians barrage our feed as they vie for local and national posts next term. While this is the case, COMELEC has extended the voter’s registration until October 30. If you are an ARMY and you are of voting age, why should you register and why should you vote this 2022?

1. Your vote matters According to the BTS ARMY Census, a global demographic study conducted last 2020, 46% of participants are adults 18-40 years old. Last September, COMELEC released data that says 52% of the registered voters are classified as the youth vote (18-40 years old). One vote seems so tiny, but imagine the power that we, a collective of young people hold this coming election? As a fandom, we have proven that teamwork makes the dream work and that there is power in numbers. It’s time to use that for the country.

2. Your future is in your hands In Dope, we see this unusual line from RM:

3포세대? 5포세대? Sampo Generation? Opo Generation?

It is an expression in Korea that refers to generations giving up certain aspects of life. Sam (삼) literally means three and O (오) is five while sedae (세대) is generation -- meaning a generation giving up on 3-5 life events because of social pressures and economic problems. This could be courtship, marriage, childbirth, employment, or homeownership. It can even reach Sippo (Sip or십 meaning 10) which means totally giving up on life.

As a millennial in this pandemic, it is sometimes hard to imagine a hopeful future. However, we can’t give up yet as we have the chance to change the system. The future is literally a vote away. If we choose someone with a good track record and with a platform that aligns with our values and beliefs, we can hope to not be a Sampo generation. 

3. You need the pandemic to end so BTS can add the Philippines to their tour list Let’s be honest here: We don’t see an end in sight with the current pandemic situation here in the Philippines. We are still far from having everyone vaccinated and we see a rise in COVID cases from time to time. The only way we get BTS on Philippine soil is to reach a good health status as a nation. It sounds selfish, but it’s not. If we wish to breathe the same air as BTS, we have to vote for someone who has a clear plan for the pandemic. Someone who believes in the science and importance of vaccines. Someone who can utilize the resources that we have to reach herd immunity. Someone who would care for our healthcare workers and treat them fairly and justly. We need someone who can efficiently run this country. If we wish to breathe freely, meet our loved ones freely, and enjoy our hobbies again freely, we need to eradicate this pandemic and we need a strong and competent person to lead us to that light at the end of the tunnel. 4. You need to listen to RM When RM was not yet of voting age, he wrote a song called Vote or Shut Up. Imagine a 19-year-old RM being this passionate about democratic rights. The lyrics are very self-explanatory. And whether you are part of the youth vote or just a Filipino voter in general, please think of the young generation inheriting this country because your vote is the next generation’s future:

30 years ago some would do anything to give in that one vote, but now you avoid it even though they’re offering things to get you to vote? Your vote is worth 30000 won ($29-30 USD) that’s how much your total tax is worth for these 5 years specifically. So giving up your vote isn’t making things neutral. It’s just an undeclared vote. Go vote or do something, before you make any blames and criticisms.

If you don’t pick something then don’t expect anything significant. During the 5 years, will you note how much weight that one paper holds? The power that you and I possess. In order to not elect the opponent, we continue campaigning. Calling ourselves a nation is wrong when you’re being apathetic. Vote is yours, but future is ours.

Come on Philippines, wake up the sleeping youth and go. ---

Time flew by so fast! I celebrated my fifth work anniversary in TaskUs a month ago. Even in my five years, it’s still a continuous learning experience! But among countless lessons, here are five things I learned in my five years of work: 

1. Feedback is essential to growth: A lot of people think of feedback as an attack. But when we look at it as a way for self-improvement, we can respond positively towards it. Admitting that we are wrong, that there is still space for improvement, or even that we need help takes a lot of humility. I try to constantly introspect and evaluate if there is something I could have done better. This way, I am more open to receive feedback. 

2. Progress rather than perfection: My mindset when I was younger was to do it well or not do it at all. A tiny bit of failure made me give up. What is the point of doing something when it is not the best? But as I moved from one position to another, I understood that I needed to fail to learn. We need to try things and start at zero! It's totally okay not to be the best at something on the get-go. Trust that you will get there, eventually.

3. Think only about today: I usually overwhelm myself with monthly targets and tasks, both at work and in my personal life. When it gets too much, a mantra that kept me going was this: You just need to get through the day. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Putting one foot in front of the other instead of getting overwhelmed with taking leaps and bounds made me feel more grounded. Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!

4. Resting is a skill: RM, the leader of BTS, admitted during their reality/vacation show that it is hard to switch off. He also said resting requires training, and I could not agree more! Being a serial procrastinator, who fills my non-work hours with finishing tasks, I feel paralyzed when there is a lull in my day. I realized how unhealthy this was, so I got help during my psych sessions. Now, I am learning how to balance resting without letting time pass by meaninglessly. It leads me to my fifth and most important realization.

5. My work is not my worth: While I love my job, I do not want to be defined by it. During this pandemic, I started organizing my thoughts to figure out who I am besides my work. I started and restarted hobbies, volunteered when I can, and even participated in a youth fellowship program. I am glad that I am slowly doing more beyond work. I'm excited to check off all the things I wanted to do from my list.

Mcdonald's Philippines launched the BTS meal yesterday, turning local stores purple for a whole month. I'm one of many ARMYs who anticipated this unique experience and the set didn't disappoint! I personally loved the two unique dips that came with the meal, not to mention the awesome packaging as well.

The launch did not skip the controversy and hate that has always been present in the fandom. True to the local misogynistic culture and ingrained patriarchy, homophobic statements were made prior to the launch. Anti-fans and bandwagoners were trending a catchphrase that speaks of the band's assumed gender identity. To this day, toxic masculinity has been one of the reasons for hate not only towards BTS but for all popular male Korean groups -- all because talented, good-looking men, who can openly show affection, lack the machismo that is expected of them.

This type of culture has always reduced ARMY to just crazed, teenaged girls -- but the demographic analysis suggests otherwise. And while it is true that fans spend a lot on merchandise, there is also the unspoken (and unreported) aspect of collective action within the fandom. The events from yesterday showed the strength of ARMY: homophobic people getting suspended and hardworking, respectful ones getting applauded and rewarded.

Someone’s action drives someone else into pain. Someone’s words make someone else hopeless. Someone’s split-second becomes someone else’s memory Someone’s anger costs someone else’s life.

I get outraged at the malicious anger. I get outraged at that anger that had to be put down.

욱 (UGH!), Map of the Soul: 7 Translations: doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com

BTS taught fans to love themselves and to be respectful of any race, gender identity, or religion. But at the same time, we know when to stand for ourselves and protect our interests from malicious anger. Just like having a favorite sport or leaning towards a genre of music, being a fan of something is nothing new. It's human nature. It's a universal feeling everyone has and everyone is welcome to their unique tastes.

But here are some nuggets of wisdom: respect begets respect. Let people enjoy things that they love without bringing them down. Treat people the way you want to be treated. And if you find yourself showing unnecessary hate towards someone else, it is a reflection of your own character and insecurity.

BTS has once again proven that they are a force to reckon with. The Korean group’s new release, Butter, has gained 150 million views in just 2 days.

I’ve been a fan of Korean content since my college days, but I only started stanning BTS around the first half of 2017. They were quite big already at that time, but the goals were relatively much smaller than what we have today. These 7 hardworking and talented men were bound to superstardom for sure, but one advantage they have from other groups is their fandom, ARMY.

One thing I admire about the fandom is how organized it is. They are self-starters who gather people together and come up with goals or even offer services. From One In An Army who mobilized the fandom to match a million for the Black Lives Matter and BTS ARMY Job Board who created an info hub about employment opportunities to interest groups like the BTS Book Club who facilitates live discussions for the book of the month and BTSARMY Kitchen and Bar who creates food-related posts and recipes, everyone has a place here. During the height of the pandemic, I discovered ARMYs of UPLB and I've been interacting with ARMY alumni and students from my university. The ARMY world is indeed your oyster.

When it comes to album/single comebacks and voting awards, trust that all these various ARMY clubs and groups come together to achieve the goal -- get BTS to win. Not for the sake of winning but because we know the boys deserve it. All (yes, all) their songs are top-notch, content is well-made, and the different campaigns they initiate or participate in are all inspiring. That in itself is the only push we need: they give us the best and so we also do our best.

You gave me the best of me, so you'll give you the best of you. Magic Shop, Love Yourself: Tear

This comeback has been one of the chillest comebacks I’ve ever participated in. Everyone was focused on the goal which is to surpass our own record for the Grammy-nominated Dynamite on all platforms. All I saw was positivity on the Twitter timeline -- just everyone encouraging one another and melting our hearts with the superstar glow that is BTS.

Teamwork indeed makes the dream work, only if you have such dedicated and passionate teammates as BTS and ARMY.

  I once attended a seminar that made a big impact on me. The talk reiterated this: You can lead. You are a leader. You are influential.

This led me to adopt a leadership persona. It went on for years, even continuing at work. My mindset is that I’m capable to lead and I have the ability to make anything work. 

Lately, I’ve noticed how people are more proactive than I am. I am following more than I am leading. This idea of losing my ability was terrifying! I realized I’ve been in a constant pressure to maintain this persona and anything less than that seemed like a failure. In the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson writes:

Being “average” has become the new standard of failure. The worst thing you can be is in the middle of the pack, the middle of the bell curve.

But I’ve come to realize that while there is glory in leading, there is also courage in following. Your role does not determine your worth, nor should it keep you from your goals. Manson writes further:

After all, the constant pressure to be something amazing, to be the next big thing, will be lifted off your back. The stress and anxiety of always feeling inadequate and constantly needing to prove yourself will dissipate. And the knowledge and acceptance of you own mundane existence will actually free you to accomplish what you truly wish to accomplish, without judgment or lofty expectations.

Ridding one’s self of certain expectations creates more room to accept new ideas and ignites curiosity to try different things. More than being locked in a concept of “I-have-to-be”, there is excitement in discovering “who-am-I?” and “who-could-I-be?”. 

  It has been more than a year since the pandemic happened. We’re still stuck at home, we feel like life hit pause. As an introvert, I enjoy the privilege of staying at home. But it also meant having to deal with myself and learning a lot of new things about me. 

When 2020 started, I wrote a couple of goals that I wanted to achieve but made no plans on how I can reach them. I just threw it out to the world hoping something sticks. I reached some of them, albeit not focusing too much. The ones that did not make the cut weren’t useless though; I learned from all of it. The things I was not able to do snapped me back to reality. I know the seeds are planted, but it’s time to watch them grow.

When I wrote my goals for 2021, I also chose a word I want to focus on. I chose Bloom as an inspiration to commit to working on my goals for the year.

2020 was my year to sow. I planted seeds but I did it aimlessly. After a whole year of running and running, I stopped and looked back. What has become of my seeds? Well, I learned what works for me, what I liked, and what I hoped to become. I’m claiming 2021 as the year I turn my seeds in to flowers.