Nikki Marie

Me

Sitting here doing geology homework at 9:34 pm with my dad playing guitar softly makes me feel like I live in a different time where things were a lot simpler.

7. Started talking to a new guy, something may actually come out of it.

The last day of Conference. I'm sure I can speak for many people, but for me, it's bittersweet. I beat myself up time and time again over the smallest things over this season. I wanted to quit over and over again, but I didn't because there were a few people on this team that I grew close to, that I trusted, and that I learned from. There were even people who I wanted to be closer to and unfortunately I didn't realize that until conference. I grew so much as a person and I can only thank this team of coaches, captains and some individuals. Jake, if it weren't for meeting you in English last semester, I wouldn't be on this team. You introduced me to diving and if it weren't for that one Wednesday when you didn't have dive practice, I wouldn't have talked to Kyler. Celeste, thank you for sharing your struggles because we both had it hard in our own ways. We became good friends by having something unfortunate in common but we still made the best of retreat, hell week, and the season. Mary, Sarah and Maddy Pace, my golden girls, thanks to you, I felt a sense of home, someone I could true to. In high school we barely talked, but now I feel closer to each of you. Madi, when I first met you during hell week and the retreat, I didn't know that you would become one of my best friends on the team. Duston, not only were you my dive coach, but you also became a mentor to me through my rough times this semester. You made it easy to come and talk to you when I was having a bad day and it just made my diving that much better that day. You had to find different ways of teaching me dives and you never gave up on me. I remember you saying after our first meet, that you didn't think I would be competing this soon, and even though I never got a reverse dive or did anything on 3 meter, I still kept going, for you. One of the many things that I learned from you was if I was afraid I just told myself, "Desensitize. Pain is temporary", but your little quirks that made me smile helped me the most. Jack Terry. Probably by your surprise, without even knowing it, you helped me so much during Conference. Your little jesters of kindness went so far. The first day for lunch, you realized I was by myself and asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel, even though I wasn't done eating lunch. We walked back in a comfortable silence that made me realize that the two people who may not entirely fit in on the team, can stick together. You were probably one of the very few people who didn't annoy me once during the season or conference. So thank you, even though we exchanged very few words, it made me feel welcomed. Sloth, as a captain, you did amazing, probably the best captain I've ever had for anything. You made me feel welcome and helped me become closer by inviting me to mud ball and food after, but more importantly, you made me smile. And if you didn't realize, sometimes it's hard to smile when you don't feel welcomed. You understood that I don't have many friends on the team, and for someone to recognize that, means the world to me. You acknowledged me anytime you passed me and it just shows that you care about everyone on your team, not just your top swimmers. Seth, you taught me many things this semester and I'm grateful for them. You taught me how to actually swim backstroke because no one in high school told me I was doing it wrong. And because of that, you made me faster. You introduced me to yoga when I got tendinitis and during hell week, I thought you were mean when I couldn't finish squat jumps or finish an Indian run and you said I couldn't stop. You pushed me though and I became stronger, and I did things I would never see myself doing. Kyler, if it weren't for you when I first stepped out on the pool deck, I probably wouldn't be swimming or diving. Even though swimming is the only sport I'm kinda good at, I still hate it. But I wanted to see how you ran practice compared to my high school. And it wasn't so much of the sets that I was afraid of, but the people. Everyone had already known each other and I was the little one. I still felt like the little one at the end of the semester. Throughout the season when I had to swim instead of dive, you would always say I did good or tell me "I just need you to finish the 400 IM". And sometimes when you would tell me those things, I felt like you didn't believe me, that I couldn't swim because you compared me to the other divers who never swam before. But I know that you made me grow, and that you made this team as a whole strong, better, and faster. We had a joke always going of "don't smile" which always happened when I was in a bad mood and you made me laugh at the things you would say. During conference and you realized I had been crying, you stayed calm with me and that was the most valuable thing that day. You knew I was irritated and wanted to be alone, but you still included me, so thank you. Thank you for your coaching and your To the ones who I didn't mention, you still supported me at some point through the season and I thank you for that. Like some of the boys just made me smile by their excitement or stupidity and that was all I needed. Every single person made me smile at some point, and when you don't feel welcomed, a smile is just a little bit closer to home.

Today was our first day back to diving after a week of swimming because Duston was at nationals. It was super hot so I was anxious to get in the water. We were working on full approach front jumps and going to work towards a front flip half twist. But we got side tracked and started doing twisters off the side of the pool. We were all wearing different color suits and Duston said we were his power rangers. Later we got on the boards again and threw some flips in. It was a pretty fun day with lots of laughs and jokes. Great first day back.

I met an amazing guy and got to hang out with him today too. Connor, not from dive, followed me on instagram and his bio said "DM to shoot". So I messaged to see where he was from because he had some shot from Yokhol Valley. He messaged back pretty quickly and said he was from Tulare. As we were talking, he posted saying he wanted to shoot more portraits and so I asked if he wanted to go hiking with Victoria and I on Sunday. He did so I gave him more info. We talked a bit of our personal lives. Come the day we are set to hike, we called off the hike because it was thunder, lightening and hail but we still hung out with Connor. He has the blonde, shoulder length curls and has a cute little smile. He's also vegan so we talked about that a lot. We still wanted to go do something so Connor suggested that we go out past Rocky Hill. Since Victoria didn't feel comfortable driving, Connor drove his Prius and it's kinda cute. We talked about some cool things and when we got into the hills, there was some snow on the ground and there was a point we stopped to photograph the valley and hills. Connor and I both shot film and both had to reload. I had trouble with mine and he did too since he shot with a medium format. Once we waited for the clouds to show a mountain and soon gave up, we headed back down. We were talking about Habitat veggie burger but it had egg and milk so Connor couldn't have it. I looked up vegan burgers and Red Robin had one so we all had vegan burgers and bottomless fries. He kindly payed for us and wouldn't let us pay him back. Then we said our goodbyes for the day.

Duston, on 2 March 2017

Duston: *Slowly looks at me* Daaamn, Nikki's got some jokes

Duston, on 2 March 2017, when trying to get my back flat.

I didn't feel the best going into practice and Duston gave me the choice of either doing same thing as yesterday with fronts. Or do backs and work on back flips. I chose backs because it's what I need work on. I was able to get a jump and then add the arm swim. He asked if I wanted to do back dives and then go into a back semi or just go straight to back semis. I went for a back flip but I ended up just doing a back dive. Even tho I didn't do the flip, Duston was still happy with my dive because of the jump. I only got one back flip in and I never grabbed my tuck so it was all open. But since I had a jump I made it perfectly fine. That was the only one I could do all day because I couldn't figure out how to tuck back in a ball. Oh well.

Duston wanted to work on only jumps today so we started with standing jumps and then later adding arm swings to get me to do a front dive tuck again. It was a pretty good practice but I never got the dive. I wasn't too disappointed tho because looking back to last semester when I did these I got so frustrated and hated front days. Now I don't freak out over front days. It's kinda just taking orders.

These two days were the swimming portion of the meet and it's hard to tell what the emotions had were. I felt numb as if I just floated through the two days. I got up at 4 Friday morning, after only getting about 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I slept in the van ride there but uncomfortably. When we got there and warmed up, I felt slow which it didn't matter because I hadn't swam in awhile. After my second event, Kyler said to me "you know, you are a pretty good swimmer". I told him that I was a swimmer before a diver and also joked that he had doubt in me. Thought Friday, I was okay. But Saturday was when I had more anxiety throughout the day. Friday night after the meet, we checked into our hotel and got changed to go to downtown Disney for dinner. I honestly felt so out of place without my divers and Duston. But I was the only one doing all three days and Duston didn't need to go so he went to visit his girlfriend. I ended up going with Maddy, Sarah, Becca, and Mary because I felt most comfortable. Vans left at 9:30 and we were back by 10:15. After the meet on Saturday we ate dinner at Ikea and then walked around a bit. Kyler saw that I was really quiet as everyone is so intrigued by Ikea that he asked me if I was glad I came all three days. I mean I guess I was but they didn't understand how tired I was. The ride home was strange because they stopped so many times for food and I attempted to sleep in the van the whole time.

Our morning started at 9am and had a 3 1/2 hour drive. We jammed out some awesome music. The meet was a good start and then the wind picked up so it was cold. I was still nervous about my back flip because I only did one during warm up. But when I competed it, Duston's face was priceless. He was so happy. My inward was still my best dive of the day. I got a higher score at this meet so I was happy. I didn't have any breakdowns. I'm still very content and confident. We should be getting home around 10:30/11 then I'll be driving home, sleeping and then getting up early again for swimming.

I went through my list today and before practice even started, Duston said he accidently put a back flip in my list. I had just learned the dive yesterday but I guess I did the same thing with the inward dive. I kinda freaked out about it and told him after practice I didn't feel comfortable with it in my list. He said he would change it. But after my shower, I decided to just keep the back flip and I'll desensitize the situation. During practice, I was having a hard time with my front dive tuck again. So he had me brace myself and jump and get my hips above myself. He then ratios behind me and gave me a wedgie so I could feel how high I'm supposed to go. I didn't entirely freak out, it was just cold and I couldn't do my backs. He had me do a back dive. Then we would go back to the front half twist. But after the back dive he said we were going back to the back flip (he lied). I did it, but didn't grab my tuck so I landed on my legs instead.

Today I got to talk to Duston that I wasn't feeling like myself but it didn't feel productive because I couldn't figure out what was wrong or put it in words. I talked about how I felt like I don't have enough experience and 2 hours isn't enough for me. But he mentioned that in the 6 months he's been coaching me, most people wouldn't have the dives I have. Sure they aren't 2 1/2s but I can compete. Originally at the beginning of the semester he didn't think I would be competing. And then today, I got a new dive: back flip, or 202b. I won't be competing with it yet, but I did it. Duston asked if I wanted the wet suit and I said not for the first one. I was able to do it so I didn't end up needing it. Thursday is the start of Mt Sac which is a huge meet down south. Duston is driving us Thursday for dive and then we won't be back until 11pm. Then Friday morning swim is leaving at 5am again so I'll be in a car like 12 hours this weekend. But I'm hoping my anxiety will die away before then.