💮

He gets excited because he’s in a village full of assassins, fanboys over Naruto and Kakashi. Ironically, he hates Sasuke - thinks he’s a douchebag, but he acknowledges that he’s very hot and he can forgive him only if he’d allow him the courtesy of a reach around.

Surprisingly, in this AU, Sakura isn’t married to Sasuke…who turns out to be married to Naruto. Deadpool squeals, “🤩 omg it’s a fanfiction universe. Oh, the possibilities are endless!”

Sakura doesn’t know what to do with him, he follows her everywhere like a lovesick puppy. Kakashi wants to lock him up somewhere, but Deadpool’s like, “Well, you could, but I’d be a very, very, very, very, very, very long term commitment and we all know you have issues with that.”

Sai cuts off his head.

Deadpool’s head on the ground: “I see why no one likes you.”

Sakura’s intrigued, agrees to keep an eye on him just so she can study him. They get closer because she’s lonely with a bleeding heart, isn’t too disgusted by his face, and they have some bonding moments even though he’s so fucking annoying.

Kakashi needs Sakura for a mission, Deadpool begs to go just once since it’s his dream, and Kakashi inexplicably agrees.

Deadpool nearly moans: “You’re letting me go? Oh, this such a fucking plot hole - I love it.”

Kakashi: “what does that even mean?”

Sakura: “I don’t know, I stopped processing what he says a few days ago,”

The night before the mission, Deadpool locks himself up in the guest room and the next morning he comes out dressed as Naruto. Complete with wig and orange jacket he probably stole from him.

Sakura, absolutely dumbfounded: “wuh-what are you doing?”

Deadpool, striking a thumbs up: “If I’m gonna be Hokage, I have to look the part.”

Sakura, exasperated: “Hokage? Seriously?”

Deadpool, nods: “Yeah, I’ve even got my campaign slogan: SASUKEEEEHH!”

Sakura: “Oh god, please no, we already have one of those.”

Narutopool: “I can’t wait to use Talk no Jutsu.”

Sakura, sighing: “You already do. Let’s just go.”

They go on this mission, Deadpool calls his attacks Rasengan and Raikiri and all these other things that don’t even make sense — Sakura wants to kill him herself but admits this lunatic is wildly entertaining.

Deadpool, on the other hand, is having an absolute blast. They complete the mission, they end up drinking to celebrate, he dresses her up in his suit. She thinks it’s restrictive, he thinks it’s hot.

Sakura: “Do you ever shut up?”

Deadpool, shaking his head: “No, not that I can recall. They do call me the Merc with the mouth.”

Sakura: “You’re actually so annoying.”

Deadpool, gleefully aghast: “That’s so ironic, coming from you. Say it again.”

They’re in another battle, both assassins just decimating everyone, and Sakura has an internal crisis over why she thinks this masked lunatic is so fucking hot when he cuts someone in half.

Sakura, despairing: “Whyyyy is he so hot when he’s killing people??? Is it because he’s focused and not talking for once?”

Deadpool, with his blade in a howling shinobi’s asshole: “Shh, shh, it goes in easier when you relaxxx.”

Sakura screams in frustration. He’s making a mess of things, as usual, and she just can’t take his jabbering any longer. She punches him through the chest, immediately feels better, and he regenerates.

Deadpool: “God that was so fucking hot, you were literally inside me.”

They end up at another bar. He’s growing on her, unfortunately, even with the bloody Naruto wig he stapled onto his head.

He’s asking her how to use chakra, he obviously doesn’t have any. She asks him when he’s going home, he shrugs and tells her he fucked everything up and he kind of likes it there. Sakura panics a bit, knowing that if he stays, he’ll cause an international disaster.

Sakura: “You need to go home. You don’t belong here.”

Deadpool, for the first time since she’s known him, is silent and she gets the feeling he’s a little hurt: “I don’t belong anywhere.”

Of course, Sakura feels bad now: “I didn’t mean it like that, you probably have a whole life waiting for you even if you think you messed up. Everyone’s redeemable.”

Deadpool, nods sagely: “Yeah! Like Sasuke.”

Sakura: “…You fucked up like that?”

Deadpool goes on to tell her that he may have accidentally stolen a hero from another timeline to save his world, but he didn’t account for how his love interest would get the hots for him.

Deadpool: “It’s probably because he has a working dick.”

Sakura, shocked: “Your dick doesn’t work?”

Deadpool, gestures to his face: “My face isn’t the only thing that looks battered and air fried.”

Sakura, wide eyed, glances down at his crotch then at his masked face: “….can I see?”

Deadpool: 😳

Sakura: 😳

Deadpool, grabs her by the hand and drags her to the room: “Fuck yeah, you can see!”

He drops his pants as soon as they’re alone and Sakura gasps. She doesn’t even feel titillated considering she’s staring at a mottled sausage, substantial as it is.

Deadpool, hands on his hips, squinting down at it: “Yeah, I guess it does kinda look like a sausage.”

Sakura, mortified: “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

Deadpool: “You’re good, it’s nothing I haven’t thought of myself.”

Sakura, continues to stare: ….

Deadpool: “I’ve never had a chick stare at my dick for so long.”

Sakura: “I could probably get it to work. Actually, I think I might be able to fix you at the molecular level. Probably not permanently though, given your regenerative abilities are due to this…mutated cancer.”

Deadpool, overcome by emotion, drops to his knees in front of her, dick still swangin: “What? You can?”

Sakura, ignoring the genitals near her pinky, nods: “Yes, probably. I’m not sure until I get in there, though.”

Deadpool slaps his hands against his cheeks, absolutely excited: “Holy fuck, I forgot you’re Medical Jesus in this world!”

Sakura: “Please, what does that even mean?????”

Sakura, obviously fixes him up, taps into her inner mad scientist and works with his cells and experiments. She only fixes him temporarily, every time he gets hurt the cells come back, but it’s light work for her. When she fixes his face, she’s genuinely taken aback by how handsome he is, if saddened by how much he has struggled.

Deadpool, now going by Wade without the suit, is definitely obsessed with her. Calls her his Messiah and plastic surgeon.

Out of Scientific Curiosity™️, she asks if the mouth on the merc is only good for talking shit, and Deadpool’s not the cherry stem champion for no reason. When they fuck she tells herself it’s because she wants to know if her work is that good, not because he’s so damn hot in that suit and she’s 🎀 just a girl 🎀.

They fuck a lot.

When they get back to the village, it’s in chaos. There’s a yellow clad man running around with steel claws wreaking havoc and Sasuke’s about to Tsukuyomi his ass to white padded walls. Deadpool runs in between them.

Deadpool, arms out in appeasement: “Woah, woah! Down, boys! This is my pet!”

Naruto, Rasengan in hand: “Your pet?!”

Deadpool, slapping a hand on a growling Wolverine’s bloody head: “Oh my—is that the Rasengan?! Wait! Hold on! This is Wolvie! Isn’t he cute?!”

Random shinobi, clutching his bloody stump of an arm and holding his cut off hand: “He cut off my arm!”

Sakura, rushing forward to reattach it: “Oh shit, give me that!”

Deadpool winces and sucks in air through his teeth: “Sorry, haven’t had the time to house break him yet!”

Wolverine, twisting out of his grip: “You fucking piece of shit, where have you been? I’ve been going to all these fucking crazy dimensions looking for your dumb ass!”

Deadpool tells him how he’d ended up in the Naruto verse, how he’s had a great time, and met a very pretty lady who’s been his handler. He tells Wolverine how it’s a world ran by assassins with mutant powers, and it’s fucking great and there’s unlimited Japanese takeout everywhere.

Deadpool, smiling and proud: “And they love me here!”

The villagers and shinobi blanch, having been around for the mayhem and chaos and meddling, and someone calls out: “Take him home!”

Kakashi finally steps forward and addresses the two: “While we appreciate your services to the village, Mr. Wilson, I think it’s time you return to your dimension with your friend.”

Deadpool deflates, thinking of how he was happy there and even though no one else accepted him, Sakura did…after putting a fist through his chest and experimenting on him, of course. And the sex was hot, hot as fuck.

He takes off his mask, showing his healed face and head full of hair.

Anko whistles low, pressing a hand to her chest: “Oh yeah, I’m definitely having a wet dream tonight.”

Deadpool turns to her, touched: “Thank you, crazy snake lady, that means so much to me.”

Wolverine grabs him by the shoulder, exasperated: “Let’s fucking go, idiot. The Time Slider’s battery is almost dead.”

Deadpool turns to him, disappointed: “You forgot to charge it?!”

Wolverine: “I didn’t know it was rechargeable!”

Sakura steps forward, sad smile on her lips. He was an absolute menace and lunatic, probably shared a brain cell with Naruto on a good day, and defied all logic; but he was fun, the most fun she’s ever had, and she’ll miss him.

“Well, I guess this is it, Wade,” she says, looking up into his quite vulnerable face. He reminds her of Kakashi, with the way he uses the mask to hide from the world. “It’s been fun and I really enjoyed your company.”

Wolverine turns to Wade, incredulous and suspicious: “Did you drug her?”

Wade’s offended: “Must you always think the worst of me?”

Wolverine, Kakashi, Naruto, Sasuke: “Yes.”

Wade and Sakura share a moment where he thanks her for reminding him what it was like to be happy. Sakura sadly explains that once he leaves, her work will come undone every time he’s injured and he’ll go back to what he once was.

He’s disappointed, of course, wanting so badly to look normal but who’s he but a tragic anti-hero in a world of violence and puns. If only a benevolent god would pity him and send him back sometimes, just to have one good thing every once in a while now that Vanessa and Wolvie are bumping uglies.

“I’ll miss you, Sakura,” he says, a little choked up and sounding like a pussy. “You were the best foster home I could have ever hoped for, and I am truly sorry for humping your leg.”

Sakura laughs and gives him a hug and a chaste kiss, surprising everyone. Most especially Wolverine, who thinks Sakura’s probably been knocked in the head a few too many times. “I’ll miss you too, Wade. Remember that you’re worth it.”

Deadpool, pulling his mask back on: “Fuck yeah, I love L’Oreal.”

Sakura, tightening her arms around him and cracking a rib: “I don’t know what means.”

After their heartfelt goodbye, Wolverine sets the Time Slider and drags Deadpool along with him, who’s throwing kisses and waving to the crowd of villagers, to the other side.

The portal disappears and Sakura deflates, already missing his mouth and surprisingly, the endless vocalization of intrusive thoughts. Ino saddles up next to her, “So, did ya fuck him?”

Sakura simply looks at her. Ino nods pleasantly, “Yeah, I would have too. That costume and mask combo was somehow so fucking hot, and his thighs!”

Sakura giggles conspiratorially, “I know!”