Thoughts

Wow this is the first time in 3 years that I feel myself actually wanting to date someone again. No. Nope. Nine. No. No. No. No. Nyet. Nope. Hek no. I don't care how kind and genuine this person is. They are leaving after one semester. Away. So nope. Nope. And it is a distraction from school so nope.

So during the summer after I graduated I ended up gaining 5 lbs and so I was disappointed and was trying to loose it just not very well. And I ended up gaining 5 more lbs by the time school started for me and since then I've been trying to loose it. For about 3 months I would go to the gym and do super hard workouts including lifting weights and cardio then sauna and steam room. I would on average spend a good 1.5 to 2 hours working out 5 days a week after coming from school so I was exhausted by then. During this time I did not loose any weight, besides just fluctuations about 2-5 lbs up and down the scale. But these last two weeks I stopped going to the gym because of school and will only occasionally go running in my neighborhood. During this time I lost 4lbs. Idk how that works

I had this dream that I created a ballet piece named Arrivederci and truthfully after this revelation of my previous post as an idea, I can see that working. What if I create the music for that piece as well. It would be thrilling. I have now found something to occupy myself with. But truthfully this is more of something to procrastinate my responsibilities with...

So I've been really into writing again recently and I've been thinking of creating some sort of bs story about a generation of people who were either abandoned at birth, picked up by a stranger, or in general have no solid record of existence. And these kids were all used in therapy offices, children and young adult hospitals, and other places were kids needed an outlet of comfort. But they were used to be 'imaginary friends' for the kids in need of comfort. So none of these 'imaginary friends' exist in the system because they were never accounted for so instead they are used for such services since they will never be able to be tracked down. Well well, keying in on a particular story, let's say for a girl (since I feel I'm more equip to write from that perspective), was assigned to be a certain boy's "imaginary friend" while he was at the hospital and after he was discharged, she disappeared from his life. Years go by and the girl, now grown, is no longer able to act as a child imaginary friend and is released from her services to go try to make a life for herself. By chance she happens to run into this boy from years ago and he feels a familiarity with her that inches him closer to her. She is hesitant to reveal this secret of her past service as his imaginary friend cause she would sound insane to any normal person. So she keeps it a secret as they tumble deeper into their own feelings for each other. But he happens to notice the familiar tattooed numbers on her forearm and he starts to become more curious of her past and the shady cover story she uses as a way to sweep the dirt under the carpet. Things escalate and soon they find themselves hurt and confused as her past is slowly uncovered. His disbelief in what he's hearing and her deadend attempts to try to make him believe slowly tear them apart. Soon he begins to question much more than his beloveds alibi and deep thinking starts to enter the story. Hmm where to go from there...? What if some sort of tragedy happens that separates our lovely lady character from the earth and our male lead truly does believe she is only a figment of his imagination. That she was just an angel sent to guide him. Or what if he begins to loose his mind as well? Or perhaps his mind has been lost and she didn't exist in the first place. What if I have her begin to turn dark and toy with him? What if she realizes that she truly is a figment of this boy's imagination and wants to escape? What if she's willing to do anything to become real? What if nothing can be done? Is he in love with his own imagination?

My best guy friend and I use to be super super close. Like past the stages of wondering if either party has feelings and past the point where you begin to feel weirded out by how close you two are. We've spent hours in each others cars just talking or laughing or crying. We'd get up early on weekends sometimes to finish school requirements, or get coffee, and even to just watch the birds. He was a grade you get than me so I was always very comfortable around him. There was even a time where after I was done crying to him about some guy problem I had at the time, I showed him the erogenous zones on a female just because I had happened to stumble across a documentary on it the other night. His parents even did my nails for free for my senior ball. I would jokingly ask him to ball like every other day. I would bring him boba during class and tell him I just got the 'balls' to ask him to ball. Of course it was all jokes. We were very close. Like way too close for a guy and girl. And I guess one day during the last few months we got in this huge argument. Since I'm not the type to try to force my side of an argument, I'm naturally a bit more submissive and so he kept saying these hurtful things to me. I couldn't really take it so I told him I won't bother him anymore. So we took a break for about a week and cut off all contact but once that week passed he started texting me again but I could never feel normal around him anymore. And I guess that's how it is after someone says hurtful things to you. You feel like you're walking in a land mine whenever you are just having s casual conversation with them. And so we seldom talk and almost never hang out. He got a girlfriend in the meantime and I'm really not jealous in any way but I feel a bit more reserved then before with him. Well it's been 6 months since the argument, since stopping all conversations, since him getting a girlfriend, since me graduating and leaving to college, basically since our close companionship ceased. We have this mutual friend who invited us to his dance show and so we ended up going together with three of our other friends. He started to act all friendly around me again and I generally felt very uncomfortable since he has a girlfriend technically and really shouldn't be trying to get close to me again how we were before. Laying his head on my shoulder during the show, putting his arm around me, kissing my temple. And I still don't have the courage to confront him so I just stay distant from him. I don't like what he's doing. I have my own life path and he has his so I really don't want to get close to him the way we were before. In my eyes, all the times we hung out were just a waste of time. We could have both advanced ourselves much further but there we were acting as if time didn't exist. It's better we focus on what's really important in our life's and stop getting distracted by each other. So this weekend was our last in terms of hanging out. I told you I won't bother you that day during summer and I meant it. Forever.

And with all this said I just wanted to announce that

Gosh I was doing research about different countries beauty standards for an ethics class and it truly bothered me how some people's articles would group European and American beauty standards. That's basically the same as grouping Japan and Korea's beauty standards etc. there are similarities of course but they aren't the same by far. Hang out with a group of European people (I'm talking like actually European not the "my grandma's 40% Irish, 20% Romanian, etc kind of people), you will see that the standards are very much different in the way they dress and carry themselves. I'm not promoting one over the other but if you're trying to put an intelligent sounding article on the web like that, try not to make these kind of generalizations. Understand that the way you view people may not be how it actually is. Keep an open mind in general.